These
seven maxims can make life easier and happier—for you
and your child.
DON’T
CRY OVER SPILT GUILT
All mothers hear voices. Actually it’s just one voice,
as insistent as it is irksome. That would be your momologue,
your internal running commentary on how it’s going as
a mom. But it’s never saying, “Good job, Mom!”
Brilliant navigation of that sibling rivalry incident! How
fine and upstanding your child is! Pats on the back for that
quick save of the ice cream cone!”
No. These
momologues are not about praise and positive reinforcement.
They’re about guilt. They hector and nag. They fret.
The voice in your head recites an endless to-do list and whispers
comparisons to everybody else’s kids. It’s never
satisfied.
Guilt
goes with mothers like spit-up and shoulders. It’s a
myth that you can wipe it away like a window shot with Windex.
It’s just there no matter what you do (or don’t
do) or say (or don’t say). Instead of letting it make
you miserable, tune it out. Tune in to the more realistic
voices at your feet: “Moooom!”
TOO
MUCH ADVICE SPOILS THE CONFIDENCE
Because we live in an expert culture, it’s easy believe
there must be a “right” way to navigate most aspects
of raising a child. Never mind that professional advice-givers
all have different advice (and most don’t have kids
underfoot in the house).
Consider
experts’ advice as mere suggestion, not gospel. It’s
not like generations of the human race weren’t brought
up just fine without Drs. Spock, Brazelton, Sears, Phil, Laura,
et. al.
No matter
how many authorities weigh in, raising a child will always
be an art form, not a science. It’s like piecing together
a crazy quilt, stitching together random bits of silk, velvet,
and scratchy wool in ways that look right to you. I’m
always on the lookout for scraps that might work. But I’ve
learned to toss plenty aside, too.
AN
OREO NEVER KILLED ANYBODY
Was it just half a generation ago that “cookies and
milk” was a nurturing image rather than a derelict one?
I am all
for good nutrition. Yes, I am a pro-nutrition kind of mom.
I absolutely believe we should nourish our children. No starvation.
No stuffed pigs. Equal opportunity for all food groups at
every meal. But beyond that? Super-obsession about what kids
eat usually only results in kids who are super-obsessed with
food themselves. I’d rather put my energy into making
sure everyone is sitting up at the table and not kicking anyone
underneath it than having a power struggle over “one
more bite” of tofu.
Better:
Moderation in all things and all things in moderation.
SILENCE
IS FOOL’S GOLDEN IN A HOUSE WITH KIDS
This adage is aimed at moms who worry that the wild banshee
noises in their homes—i.e. anybody with more than one
child—indicate they’re doing something wrong.
Like fool’s gold—the mineral that twinkles like
the real thing, but isn’t—kids at play who are
quiet as churchmice should not be mistaken for a sign that
all’s well. It’s noise and chaos—yes, screaming
included—that are the sounds of happy children at play.
Silence
usually means somebody’s up to no good.
DO
BE A SPOILSPORT SOMETIMES
The whole definition of “play” has changed since
we were kids. It used to mean thinking up things to do on
your own, inventing games, arguing with friends over the rules—messing
around unsupervised, and not bothering your parents. Now “play”
means two things: Youth sports or video games. Youth sports
have been taken over by the grownups, and videogames have
been completely abandoned by them.
Think
twice (or three times) before starting the crazy youth sports
treadmill before age 10. A kid gets more exercise digging
up worms in the backyard than he does playing center field.
Or by having his X-Box turned off and being turned out in
the yard to think up something to do on his own.
YOU CAN’T JUDGE A MOM BY HER MIDRIFF
So you still have those last post-baby pounds. So your baby
is in kindergarten. It doesn’t mean you’re a lousy
mom, only (I hope) that you’re still working on the
self-love thing.
STOP
AND SMELL THE CRAYONS
Goodness knows a single hour with a colicky baby can drag
like an entire day. A day with a toddler can feel like an
eternity. Funny, then, that they whole mommying part of life
goes by in a blink. Make time to enjoy it: Hang out. Color.
Share French fries. Tickle. Hug.
About
the Author:
Paula Spencer is the author of Momfidence!
An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier
Parenting
(Crown, 2006). She also writes the “Momfidence!”
column in Woman’s Day and is a contributing editor of
Parenting and Babytalk. She runs www.momfidence.com
.
|
