Think
About It
Children
perceive time, and what we do with it, differently from
the way adults do. By about age thirty, we adults barely
notice the precious seconds. In the currency of time, they’re
merely pennies, hardly able to buy anything of value. For
little ones, however, every moment is weighty with possibility
and so passes heavily and slowly. Consider, for instance,
the evening that we just witnessed—it passed particularly
slowly for the little girl but it blew past the man who
is her father.
Seconds
become minutes, of course, and minutes become hours. And
imperceptibly, hours become decades. One day, Jeff may turn
around to play with his little girl, only to find a young
woman too busy tending her own life to notice—after
all, she has learned by his example. What a common tragedy!
Ask any parent of grown children, and he or she invariably
will attest to how fast it all goes. As the popular maxim
forewarns: One comment you’ll never hear on a person’s
deathbed is “I wish I’d have put in more overtime.”
Instead, we all know the final plea is much more likely
to be for more time with those whose love fills and sustains
us. The hard truth is that we have only a relatively small
sliver of time in which to give our children the gifts of
our experience, patience, wisdom, and heart.
Naturally,
obligations intrude on our every day. We perceive these
obligations from an adult point of view, sorting through
them, prioritizing as we go. We give a potential interruption
to our mental calendars a quick once-over and make a snap
decision: adjust the plan, or stick to it? But however we
triage the callings in our lives, time marches on. The work
gets done. The meals get prepared.
The house gets cleaned. Things work out. Of necessity, we
allot time for the chores that keep us fed, clothed, clean;
these things push themselves into our plans by their very
nature. Other items seize our attention with their urgency—a
flashing message machine, a ringing phone, a buzzing doorbell.
Certain activities, however, don’t call to us so loudly.
Yet, these can have an impact more profound than all the
others combined: activities such as walking in a park, visiting
relatives, tossing a baseball…or building a Lego city.
These are the experiences that build up a soul.
What
would happen if, today, all parents made their children
their top priority? Nowadays, we often complain about teenagers
and their lack of respect for adults, and we worry about
the anger and lack of direction that seems to plague them
to the point of violence. Yet I meet many parents who tell
me that their teenagers are wonderful young people, and
that they enjoy their children now, just as they always
have. Therein lies an important lesson: We need to begin,
right now, at this very moment, to see each second as a
gift, as an opportunity to savor where we all are now—
whether we do this by playing, chatting, or simply being
together with our children. In so doing, we may weave a
lifeline that continues to hold throughout the years. When
that Lego city gets built, so does the foundation to a future.
And a minute of time for a child will someday be worth its
equivalent in hours to the adult she becomes. The time we
spend with our children at this very moment—nurturing,
teaching and loving them—is the substance that helps
mold them into the people that they will become.
Changes
You Can Make
Review
the priorities in your life, make a list of your top five,
and begin investing the bulk of your time and energy in
those choices. If you are a parent, your list—of course—should
include your children. Keep your list of five handy, and
refer to it whenever a decision arises. Ask yourself, “Does
what I am doing, or about to do, fit into my list of priorities?”
Unlike
much advice, this way of living is not “easier said
than done.” On the contrary, it’s “easier
done than said”! You’ll often be surprised to
discover that it doesn’t take hours to fill a child’s
need for attention.
Sometimes
fifteen minutes will fill your child’s cup—and
then allow you to tend to your daily rituals without that
nagging sense of guilt, or that feeling that something essential
is missing. In this story of Jeff and Lily, if he had dropped
everything upon his arrival home and given Lily thirty minutes
of undivided attention, he might have fulfilled her need
for his love. She might then have been happy to scamper
off and allow him to get to his business, or perhaps trailed
along with him, letting their connection linger through
the evening.
Of
course, some daily tasks must be done regardless of their
placement of your list. The laundry would definitely not
be in my top five, but it still needs to be done! However,
having your list will help ensure that these “maintenance’’
tasks are done with the proper acknowledgement of their
importance. This means that I may decide that a game of
Monopoly with my children is worth postponing the laundry
until after they’ve gone to bed.
As
for those must-do tasks, some can be undertaken with a child
included as helper or as company—a three-year-old
can sit beside you with her plastic kitchen set “preparing”
her own dinner, as you prepare dinner for the family; a
five-year-old can sort socks or fold hand towels as you
fold the other laundry; a seven-year-old can accompany you
on your round of errands. In each case, you will very likely
enjoy the time talking together.
When
you decree that your family and your children are your priority,
and that you want, and need, to spend more time with them,
your daily decisions will become easier. You may even begin
to ascertain that some goals you had rated as “top
priority” are supremely unimportant. And as a natural
and direct effect, these will fall away, leaving you with
two undeniable gains: a heightened and refined sense of
values, and the freedom to pursue them.
