Usually
between the ages of two and four, anytime things don’t
go their way, or their feeling depressed or overwhelmed,
whining seems to be their most common form of communication.
It’s their way of saying, “I’m not happy
and YOU have to fix it.”
Whining is also most commonly about attention. When
toddlers are cranky or tired they want to be coddled
and soothed and if your attention is directed elsewhere,
they know whining is the perfect way to get your focus
back on them. If you try and ignore it, the whining
gets worse and they make it very clear that by not attending
to them you’re a failure as a parent. How could
possibly get annoyed with them when all they want is
for you stay focused on them and only them twenty-four
seven?
According to the book ‘Love Without Spoiling’
by Nancy Samalin, the best way to nip the whining before
it turns into a tantrum is to make it very clear that
you’re not happy with your child when they’re
whining. Insist that they ask for what they want in
a ‘normal’ voice and let them know that
they won’t get what they want if they continue
to whine.
You might notice that if there’s a sibling in
the picture, anytime you give attention to this other
child, your toddler increases their whining. This is
their way of manifesting jealousy. Make sure that they
understand that you love them just as much as you love
their sibling. Their brother or sister need you just
like they do and while you sometimes do things just
for them, sometimes you have to do things just for their
sibling. It’s also a good idea to spend some blocks
of time where you are focused just on your toddler.
Your toddler will more likely to find it easier to ‘share’
you if they know they have this special time with mommy
coming up where you’ll be all theirs.
If you notice that your child gets particularly cranky
at specific times of the day, you might be able to look
at his surroundings or schedule to see if there’s
anything you can change about his routine or yours.
One stay at home mom of a two and a half year old from
California offers this suggestion, “He tends to
whine the most when he wants my undivided attention.
He also whines when he wants something and I have said
no. What works is sitting down with him on the floor
for a while 15 minutes and playing with him then I can
usually get up and do whatever it is I need to do. But
this is only useful as long as the whining has not escalated
and is best BEFORE he starts in because I think it would
be negative reinforcement. If his whining has escalated
to crying and throwing himself on the floor then I tell
him he needs to go to his room. Either he runs to his
room and cries for awhile and come out fine OR he will
stop crying. Distraction works but I am terrible at
it.”
This brings up the point that while it’s important
that your toddler not feel like he can use the whining
as a magic button to make you come running, it’s
also important that you reward him when he does use
‘good’ methods of communication. Since whining
is usually about attention, that would be the ideal
reward. Even when you’re busy, as you go about
your day, if at all possible, work him into your activities.
If he feels like he has a special position as ‘mommy’s
helper’, the whining should cut down considerably
as he won’t be as starved for attention or jealous
of attention you might be giving his sibling.
While no one can debate that tantrums in public aren’t
fun, neither is whining and usually, whining is just
the opening act to a rip roaring tantrum if you don’t
do your best to head it off before it reaches that point.
Chances are that whining in public has less to do with
attention than it does with over stimulation, being
tired, or hungry.
If you’re planning on going out to eat, trying
making sure that you set the time for well before your
child’s usual meal time. This is because between
driving to the restaurant and waiting for your meal,
your child’s blood sugar levels can drop significantly
leading to one very cranky child. Trying calling ahead
to the restaurant or maybe try a buffet restaurant where
waiting for a table or service won’t be an issue.
Brining a long a few small activities for him could
also help head off boredom, another big instigator of
whining in toddlers. Chances are the restaurant will
offer a coloring place mat or book and some crayons
for your little one to keep them entertained. But if
you do get caught waiting for your meals, feel free
to keep the whining at bay by taking your child for
a little walk through the restaurant and pointing out
some interesting artwork or maybe a fish tank if they
have one.
The key to dealing with a whining child is to keep
yourself calm and remind yourself that if there was
a better way for your child to get his messages across,
he would use them. It’s your job to patiently
teach him these tools even when your little angel is
reminding you more of a little demon.
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