Let’s examine how this applies to a few typical situations so that you can
begin to understand how these four purposes colors almost every discipline situation
with your child.
Situation:
Your child is having a temper tantrum in a store because you won’t buy
a new toy.
1 – Correct immediate behavior
Take your child to a restroom or unpopulated corner of the store. Wait for your
child to stop the tantrum.
2 – Teach a lesson
You can’t have everything you want. You need to express your emotions
appropriately.
3 – Give tools to build self
discipline and emotional control
Help child write a list of toys that she wants, but can’t have right now.
4 – Build the relationship
Demonstrate leadership, understanding and patience.
Situation:
Your two children are squabbling over a toy.
1 – Correct immediate behavior
Put the toy on the counter while you get your children to stop tussling and
pay attention to you.
2 – Teach a lesson
Children need to learn how to share toys and take turns.
3 – Give tools to build self
discipline and emotional control
Help children by setting a timer so each can have a five minute turn with it.
Show them how to do this in the future without your help.
4 – Build the relationship
Show them how to play together and how to settle disputes. Show them that they
can look to you for help in handling problems.
Situation:
Your child is upset with a playmate and bites her on the arm.
1 – Correct immediate behavior
Separate the children. Provide attention and care to the child who was bitten.
2 – Teach a lesson
Get down to your child’s level, put your hands on her shoulders, look
her in the eye and tell her, “Biting hurts. We don’t bite. Give
Emmy a hug now. That will make her feel better.”
3 – Give tools to build self
discipline and emotional control
Give your child a few hints on how she should handle her frustration next time;
“If you want a toy, you can ask nicely for it or you can come to Mommy
for help.”
4 – Build your relationship
Show your child that you are on her side even when she makes mistakes. Demonstrate
that she can count on you to teach her how to handle strong emotions.
Discipline is not a one-time maneuver
You say you’ve tried to get your little one to put his toys away, but
he never does. You’re after your daughter constantly not to whine, yet
that screechy voice continues. You repeatedly attempt to get your two children
to share their toys nicely yet it seems that daily you’re refereeing an
argument over toys. No matter what you do, the same issues keep coming up over
and over again.
Think about something that you do, or don’t do – that you know
you should do differently. Perhaps it’s exercising or eating healthily.
Maybe it’s keeping your desk organized or your closet clean. In all of
these examples it’s likely that you struggle to always do the right thing,
even when you know what the right thing is. So, if you, the mature adult, still
don’t do everything the right way how could you possibly expect such a
feat from your young child?
Discipline means to teach – and it is a very rare lesson that can be
learned in one simple session. Furthermore, young children cannot easily apply
what they’ve learned in one situation to another. So even minor variations
create entirely new scenarios – for example, learning to share toys with
a sibling at home isn’t easily transposed to the situation of sharing
playground equipment with a friend at the park.
What this all means is that you must teach the same, or similar, lessons over
and over and over and over again in many different ways until, perhaps, your
child will master the idea and claim it as his own. Even then, just because
a child knows what is right doesn’t mean he will always do the right thing.
(Do you always drive the posted speed limit?) Our job as parents is to help
our children learn right from wrong, and how to make the right decisions in
life. It is to guide and teach our children, every day, in many ways.
Discipline means teaching, and as such, it can encompass almost every interaction
you have with your child. When you are thoughtful about your role as a parent,
and when you keep your eye on your long-term goals and use carefully planned
parenting skills, then your essential parenting attitudes will be properly aligned
and your job as a parent will be more fulfilling and rewarding.
Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing
from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill) by
Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth
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