Men
and women can react to parenthood so differently.
We are all thrilled with our beautiful babies, but
becoming parents can change us, and our spouses, in
some unexpected and occasionally incomprehensible
ways. The once charming and delightfully witty wife
morphs into a control-freak, bottle-wielding shrew.
The once perfect and ever-so-helpful husband often
seems to be looking for the nearest escape hatch.
It can start to feel like you are gazing at each other
across a great chasm, rather than bonding over the
experience of raising your child!
But
take heart, because many of your spouse’s new
and incomprehensible behaviors are normal. In fact,
there are plenty of good reasons behind them -- like
the small matter of the propagation of the species.
It’s instinct, pure and simple. When we become
parents our most basic nurturer/provider instincts
rise to the surface. And at times, these hardwired
biological impulses can seem to push you and your
spouse in different directions.
Understanding
the Great Divide
What
happens to women. Most women we spoke to said the
transition to motherhood was mind-blowing and life-altering.
There’s no avoiding the power of the maternal
instinct. Whether we work or stay home, when we have
a baby, a nurturing domestic gene is activated. It’s
as if a Mommy Chip is implanted in our brain. Once
triggered, this chip hums 24/7. It drives, what men
refer to as, “Crazy Mom Behavior” (you
know -- researching colic/strollers/pre-schools at
3 o’clock in the morning, or bringing the baby’s
blanket to work with us so we can smell it during
the day.) The Chip contains a Worst Case Scenario
program that feeds a mother’s fears (“let
me just make sure the baby is breathing”) and
is plugged into a Guilt Circuit that makes us constantly
question whether or not we are doing enough for our
children. The Mommy Chip is a good thing, biologically
speaking, but a bad thing in the sense that it can
make us compulsive about doing everything just right.
“I feel like a different person.
I think and act differently because of the new responsibilities
I have. It’s like I have to reconfigure the
whole picture of myself. And it definitely changed
what I wanted from Matthew. Before the baby, I was
unfazed by his long hours. Suddenly, I want him
home now. And it bothers me that he doesn’t
seem as interested in Jack as I am.
—Erica, married 4 years, 1 kid
What
happens to men. In many respects upon becoming fathers,
men don’t feel all that differently than women.
They, too, feel great love and fear. They, too, want
to do their best for their children. But they don’t
have a Mommy Chip, so they don’t get obsessed.
What
they do feel, however, is a sort of Provider Panic.
Even if they are one-half of a dual-income household,
most men told us they believe that providing for the
financial well-being and stability of the family is
their responsibility. Not because they are closet
chauvinists who are threatened by their wives’
earning power or self-sufficiency, but because they
just can’t help it.
“I would stand over the crib and
the first thought that would come into my head was:
I better go make more money.”
—Jack, married 7 years, 1 kid
This
phenomenon often sparks a laser-like focus on work.
Career and financial success become more important
than ever. Men’s compelling drive to provide
can compromise their ability to see what needs doing
(and sometimes even to enjoy what’s happening)
on the home front. There’s no mental room for
noticing the bottles need washing because the male
brain is already in high gear calculating college
tuition payments.
What
this all means for the two of you. These different
and not always complementary instincts can set the
stage for some serious conflict. Women get upset because
their husbands seem to be one step removed from the
work and are not nearly as focused on the baby as
they are. Meanwhile, many a new dad, caught in the
grips of Provider Panic, gets frustrated when his
wife tells him he’s not doing enough on the
homefront because he feels like he’s working
harder than ever at his job. Furthermore, a lot of
men feel ignored by wives who are obsessed with the
baby. In their minds, their wives create unnecessary
work and stress by trying to meet ridiculous standards
of parenting perfection.
“What happened to the woman I married?
She’s turned into a complete control freak.”
—Vic, married 9 years, 1 kid
“I feel like the old dog and my wife just
got a new puppy.”
—Brent, married 7 years, 1 kid
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