Give
Him a Training
Weekend. If, however, your husband is
one of those men who
just doesn’t get it, or
he makes comments like “Why is this so hard
for you?” it might be time to give him a Training
Weekend. Take off for 48 hours and let him man the
kid and house ropes on his own. No backup. No sitters.
No dialing 1-800-Grandma. After two days and nights
of solo parent duty, never again will you hear him
say, “What’s the big deal about taking
care of a baby?” It also helps you realize you
can let go of the reins.
Remember:
Good Enough is Good Enough. You’re
a great mom, even if the beds don’t get made
or the children wear the same clothes for days in
a row. Fight the impulse to do everything perfectly,
or indeed, to do everything yourself. We’re
not advocating domestic chaos, and we don’t
think this attitude should prevail when it comes to
major stuff like health and safety, what about the
minor stuff? Will your kids remember that you stacked
the diapers in the thing just so? It’s OK to
relax your standards a little. In fact, it feels really,
really good.
Let
Him Be the Father He Wants To Be. Your husband
won’t do things the way you to them, but, assuming
he has all his faculties, he can do them. For most
of us, motherhood is a trial-and-error/baptism-by-fire
education. We learn as we go. But if we stand over
our husband as he tries to identify the front end
of the diaper, or constantly critique his bottle-warming
abilities, how will he learn as he goes? Take a step
back and let him figure it out for himself. We can
inadvertently turn ourselves into the Maternal Gatekeeper.
If you want him to be a partner, not a helper, try
giving him some breathing room.
The
Old Dog Needs Love, Too. Yes, the baby needs
you, but your husband still does, too. Don’t
cast him aside like yesterday’s meatloaf. We’re
not talking about cooking him a gourmet dinner after
you’ve been up all night nursing. He’s
probably just feeling a little vulnerable (just like
you are), and the simplest gestures of affection are
all he really needs.
Suggestions
for Men
Listening
and Understanding. New moms need empathy
in spades. We worry constantly that we are not good
enough mothers. We are filled with self-doubt. The
“I can’t do this” feelings can be
overwhelming. More than anything else, your wife needs
to hear “you’re fantastic, “you’re
amazing at this,” and “(insert baby’s
name) is lucky to have you as a mom.” You need
to be her one-man pep squad. She desperately wants
you to understand how much her life has been upended
by motherhood. Just telling her how much you appreciate
all her work will go a long way towards bridging the
divide.
Learn
to Live with the Mommy Chip. She can’t
help it if she gets a little obsessed and starts stockpiling
bananas and diapers like Armageddon is just around
the corner. And, certainly, she’s not trying
to leave you out on purpose. The baby really does
need her. Don’t get carried away with the She-Has-Forgotten-About-Me-Forever
line of thinking. You can, after all, feed, clothe
and bathe yourself. But if you’re feeling completely
neglected, it’s important to have a heartfelt
conversation with your wife about it.
Get
Off the Bench. There’s practice today,
and guess what, it’s raining. There’s
a mountain of work that comes along with your beautiful
baby, and while we know most men today want to be
active, engaged fathers, sometimes it seems to us
girls that you’d be pretty happy to stay on
the sidelines until the game gets more interesting.
Your team needs you now. If you’re not sure
what needs doing, just ask. Assuming you fall somewhere
in the middle of the “hands-on” spectrum
between the “everything but breastfeeding”
brigade and the “proud to have never changed
a diaper” crew, here’s a handy set of
new dad plays we bet you can master:
- Change a diaper
- Dispose of a diaper (properly)
- Bottle-feed the baby (includes preparing the
bottle)
- Burp the baby
- Put the baby down for a nap
- Dress the baby (in weather and destination-appropriate
garments)
- Put the baby in a car seat
- Put the baby in a stroller and push it around
the local park
- Basic orienteering skills: know where to find
the diapers, wipes, bottles, and formula (both
in your own home and in the local grocery store)
- General household hygiene: laundry, cooking,
dishes
Give
Yourself a Training Weekend. If you’ve
ever thought to yourself, “what’s she
complaining about, it can’t be that hard.”
Then see if you have what it takes to do it yourself.
Think of it as a 48-hour Navy SEALS crash course in
the basic skills listed above. It will give you a
new appreciation for your wife, and, importantly,
an opportunity to bond with the baby on your own terms.
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