It’s
yet another paradox of parenthood. On the one hand,
it propels many of us back to our families. We can
grow closer and relate better to our parents. On the
other, it demands that we step into adulthood once
and for all and make our new family our first priority.
Usually, this is a less-than-seamless transition.
Many
couples find themselves caught in a Family Tug of
War, with opposing in-laws jockeying for prime position
and grandparents who want to run the show. Even the
best of us can end up with a tit-for-tat mindset—“the
kids see more of your family than mine”—either
because we want to keep the peace with our own parents,
or we feel genuinely hard done by because our spouse
has joined his or her family in pulling on the other
end of that rope.
Almost
every couple we spoke with had one or two ongoing
family-related disputes, and an unfortunate few were
having divorce-level arguments. Some of the conflicts
center around the following issues:
- The Pecking Order
“My wife is married to her mother. She talks
to her first about all major decisions, and then
I am told what 'we' have decided.” —Duane,
married 11 years, 3 kids
- Interference
“My mother-in-law didn’t think that
I sent out the thank-you notes for our daughter’s
first birthday party quick enough, so she decided
she needed to do it herself. She handwrote them
all, signed our daughter’s name, put our return
address on them, and drove the fifteen miles into
our town so they would be postmarked from where
we live—all of this without telling me. I
found out when a friend mentioned it.”
—Tina, married 8 years, 2 kids
- Equal Access
“We used to try to split the time between
each family when we’d go home to Chicago,
but that meant three days at her parents, and three
days at my parents. It’ll be time to ‘move’
and my Mom will say, ‘Oh, can’t you
just wait a couple of hours to see Aunt So-and-So?’
So then you’re feeling sad, but also looking
at your watch and knowing that you’re about
to get in trouble with your wife because now you’re
cutting in on her time with her family. You get
to the point where you don’t want to go anymore.”
—Thomas, married 11 years, 1 kid
- Holiday Hell
“Since we had kids, my wife insists that we
spend Christmas with her family, and participate
in their ‘special’ traditions, which
consist of eating dinner at a bad Italian restaurant,
going to church in a school gymnasium, then playing
poker and drinking Scotch until midnight with my
wife’s brother-in-law’s senile step-grandmother.
It’s great.”
—Bruce, married 8 years, 2 kids
- The Clash of the Grannies
“My mom and my mother-in-law are always competing.
The competitive categories include: The Title Championship
(who gets to be called “Grandma”), The
Battle for Face Time (‘she was over there
again??’), The Battle for Wall Space (who
has the most pictures displayed in your house),
and The Battle for Floor Space (who gives the bigger
and better gifts). My husband and I can’t
take it anymore.”
