Not
all children, but many, shift into a new phase. Picking
up their toys is a dreadful task. Playing is so much
more important than doing homework. Getting them to
hang up their coat or make their bed is like pulling
their two front teeth. In the teenage years, you get
another glimpse of independence, but it's not exactly
in the areas you might want. Teenagers insist they
have all their academics, social relationships, and
life in general, under control. You may think differently,
but who are you? To a teenager, you're just an old
fashioned and unintelligent parent.
Regardless
of what children may want or think they need, parents
have a job to teach responsibility and independence.
It is a lifelong commitment that isn't always so easy,
but here are some tips to keep you on track.
Encourage
Independence by Refusing to Step In
When
your child reaches an age to take on an age-appropriate
activity, show your child how to do it, then let go
and let your child struggle. It can be hard to watch
children fight with their shoelaces, or stumble over
their words in a new friendship, but it is in these
moments that children are learning. The joy they feel
when they gain a little more independence can be very
rewarding, and a strong motivator to try new tasks
in the future.
Believe
in Your Child
Children
need to know you believe in them. Encourage your children
with positive words such as, "You are a smart
girl. You can figure this out." Teach your children
to think positively about themselves by modeling this
behavior in yourself. The Little Blue Engine didn't
give up and the reward was confidence. Confidence
builds on itself, and your child will gain greater
self esteem when you encourage independence and responsibility.
Build
in Life Skills through Routines
Routines
give your child practice and repetition. If, for instance,
the after school routine includes putting away the
lunch box and coat, having a snack, and doing homework,
your child learns responsibility as a way of life.
If you want your child to have good personal grooming
skills, build brushing hair and teeth, and washing
face into a morning and bedtime routine. When a child
does the same thing over and over, he learns independence
without even thinking about it.
Let
Children Fall Down and Experience the Consequences
Resist
the urge to be a helicopter parent and hover over
your child. Life is full of opportunities to succeed
and make mistakes. The lesson is reinforced and learning
takes place when children are allowed to make mistakes.
If your child makes a bad choice, let him experience
the natural or imposed consequences. A "D"
or an "F" on an exam sends a very clear
message that the child needs to study harder. The
effect is not the same when you are hounding your
child to study so she doesn't fail. When your child
makes the choice to extend his curfew by an hour,
he loses the privilege of going out the next weekend.
Guaranteed he will think twice before staying out
late the next time.
Coach
your Children towards Independence and Responsibility
When
your child is faced with a future or past decision,
ask a lot of open ended questions that encourage your
child to think for himself. "What do you think
you should say to your friend?" "What could
you have done differently in this situation?"
Giving advice teaches your children what you want
and what you think is best. Coaching your children
supports them in developing good decision making skills,
and honoring what is best for them. It's okay if they
don't make the best choice. Live and learn.
The
goal in raising children is not to protect them from
pain or undesirable
circumstances, but to equip them with what they need
to be responsible,
independent and resilient adults.
About the Author:
Lori Radun, CEC (C certified life coach for moms.
To receive her FREE newsletter and the special report
!0155 Things Moms Can Do to Raise Great Children,
go to http://www.true2youlifecoaching.com) |
