To
quote W.C. Fields, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar;”
sometimes such a question is simply an innocent request for
a status report on her body size and appearance. More often
than not, however, it can be a thinly veiled indicator of
other underlying concerns, and a confession of your child’s
fears… about being fat, about losing self-control, about
dealing with her own self-loathing, about an obsessive compulsivity
regarding food and body weight that interferes with her daily
functioning. This question could be a sign that she has begun
the descent down the slippery slope to a clinical eating disorder.
“Are
you kidding/crazy? Of course you’re not fat! You are
just right!” is a response that might imply you are
questioning her judgment and sanity in even having asked such
a question. She may see you as biased in her favor, or just
plain dishonest and not to be trusted. Deciding that you just
don’t know what looks good or how important it is to
be thin, she might decide to leave you out of the loop altogether
next time. It’s a good likelihood that a response like
“Well, you do look a little rounder around the middle,”
could plunge her further into an anxious preoccupation with
body image and the resolve to diet rigorously. It is no wonder
that parents feel confused, trapped, and frightened in what
appears to be a no-win situation with their daughters…
some of whom, these days, are no older than five or six.
It
is a parent’s responsibility to investigate the query
with open ears and an open mind, to tread softly but assuredly,
prepared to recognize potential problems and respond clearly
and decisively in an effort to nip problems in the bud. Once
your child has chosen to bring you into her inner world by
sharing what may be her deepest concerns, don’t be afraid
to hone in to decipher what your child may really be saying.
Discovery of the significance of a child’s comment or
question happens through a process called active listening.
Four
easy steps to Active Listening
Active listening establishes a healing connection between
parent and child that allows parents to remain authoritative
and parental, to teach important life lessons and impart self-actualizing
values. Active listening responses often take the form of
questions.
“Mom,
am I fat?”
1. The listening parent is able to hear what is spoken, as
well as unspoken, bypassing the obvious to reveal what is
at the heart of the question.
“I
wonder what makes you ask such a question. Do you doubt your
own capacity to know how you look?”
2.
The child is invited to listen to herself, to begin the process
of self-discovery.
“What
might be leading to these concerns now?” How long have
you been thinking about this?”
“What are your own ideas about this?”
“Are you actively trying to lose weight now?”
“Does your concern make you alter the way you eat or
dress?”
“If you were to decide to lose weight, how would you
go about doing so?
5.
The parent hears the feelings underlying the content of the
question posed.
“It
sounds to me as though you may be worried about how you look.
you are surrounded by skinny girls at school who don’t
eat lunch, it’s normal to wonder if maybe there’s
something wrong with you.
6.
The child is offered the opportunity to find a meaningful
solution to a problem revealed.
“Let
me explain a few things that may help you think about this.
Did you know that…
a. Dieting is the worst way to lose weight?”
b. Kids who diet increase their odds of becoming overweight
adults?”
c. The best way to manage overweight is to eat differently
(more regularly, more nutritiously) not less”.
d. 20 percent of the weight that girls gain in puberty needs
to be gained in fat so that their body can prepare to bear
a child one day.”
Eating
disorder prevention starts with a parent’s willingness
to listen and to establish an effective parent/child connection
through probing, sensitive and caring communications. The
nature of this connection and parental support will change
through the years and life stages to accommodate the growing
child’s changing needs and increasing autonomy from
childhood through adolescence, young adulthood, and beyond.
About
the Author:
Abigail Natenshon, MA LCSW, GCFP is a psychotherapist who
has specialized in the treatment of eating disorders with
individuals and families for the past 36 years. Natenshon
is founder and director of Eating Disorder Specialists of
Illinois and is the author of When
Your Child Has An Eating Disorder: A Step-by-Step Workbook
for Parents and Other Caregivers
.
For free resources or to have Abigail speak at your next parental
or professional group go to www.empoweredparents.com
