you discuss having children before you were married?
Ideally this should be something discussed before committing
to marriage. What were his thoughts on the subject? Did
he let you know before you were married that he was not
interested in having children ever? Or was he more ambivalent.
Maybe this was a subject you avoided or you thought that
you could resolve later. If he has already made it clear
that he is not interested in having children, expecting
him to change his feelings about this may not be realistic
or possible. However, all hope is not lost. As people age
and life circumstances change, people often change their
feelings about fatherhood.
old are you and your partner?
If you are a younger couple, you still have time to think
about this. Maybe your partner is not ready now but will
be more agreeable to having children in the future. Take
your time and move into this area of your relationship slowly.
Give your partner time to think about this and grow into
important is having children to you?
For some women the thought of never having children is unbearable.
If having children is something that is necessary for you
to feel fulfilled and happy with your life and your relationship,
this is something that will need to be eventually resolved.
Does this mean you need to end your relationship if your
partner does not want to have kids? Of course not. But avoiding
the subject or simply hoping he will change his mind, may
not be the best approach.
about this before you commit to marriage or a serious relationship.
If you are not married this is the time to work out these
issues. It is much easier to resolve the matter of having
children before you are married than after.
your husband to other families. Sometimes children
are a foreign idea for couples. If you have friends that
have children, attending social events together with them
would be a great way to get used to the idea of having kids.
Moreover, being around other “family men” may
help ease the transition from childfree living to fatherhood.
your own family lives. Rather than diving into
a discussion about having a family of your own. Talk about
your own families. Discussing his childhood may help to
open up a dialog about having a family of your own. Or if
your husband had a troubled home life, maybe discussing
these issues will help get to the root of the reason why
he does not want to have children.
if he is not interested in having children right now or
not interested in having children ever? Many times
men are actually interested in having kids but are just
not ready to settle down yet. Sometimes it’s just
a matter of being patient. Bringing children into a relationship
doesn’t need to be a rush. If your partner is open
to the idea of having children but just not quite ready,
try giving things a little time and approaching the subject
again later. If he is not ever interested in having children,
then the situation is a little tougher. Even if he says
he is never going to be interested in having kids, you still
may find he is more open to the idea if given time.
battle of “the whys”. If you have had
a discussion with your partner about having children you
have most likely encountered the battle of “the whys”.
You say, “Why don’t you want to have a child?”
He says, “Why should we have a child?” Invariably,
you will not be able to come up with a valid reason why
he should have a child and he will be able to come up with
many reasons why he should not. This strategy generally
doesn’t work. Having children is not a simple decision
based on logic and reasoning, but rather, a choice that
is made from the heart and soul. It is hard to logically
sway someone into having feelings they don’t have.
trying, not preventing. Some couples find the not
trying but not preventing method is a fair compromise. If
your partner is not ready to “try” to have a
baby he may be open to the idea of not trying but not preventing.
Make sure that you communicate this with your partner first.
He may feel less anxiety if he does not feel that he is
obligated to commit to trying to conceive. Many couples
choose to casually try to conceive rather than actively
try to get pregnant.
on your relationship first. The baby battle can
put tremendous strain on a relationship. Constant fighting
is never good for a relationship. Obsessing over this or
trying to force your partner to change his feelings is not
only ineffective but it may damage your relationship. If
you find that you are constantly fighting about this, take
a break. Try focusing on the positives of your relationship.
Work on strengthening your friendship and communication.
Put the subject on the back burner for a while.
to a counselor or minister. If having a child is
causing a marital crisis, consider talking to a counselor.
Counseling can help couples work through difficult issues.
It is not a cure all and it may not make your partner change
his mind, but it is a good place to talk things out.