Why
hyper-scheduled children?
Children
want to do what their friends do and parents worry
that someone else’s child may be getting an
edge by engaging in a particular activity. Parenting
has become its own competitive sport, with laudatory
bumper stickers, test scores and college decisions
as trophies. Kids soon learn that they are valued
for what they do, instead of the kind of people they
are. Resist the temptation to encourage multiple activities
because you think your child will benefit from a crammed
schedule, or because neighbors and friends brag about
their own or their children’s respective craziness.
With
the increasingly competitive college application process
you and/or your child may wrongly assume that more
in the way of activities is better. A packed resume
is not an advantage in the college admissions game.
Colleges often limit the amount of space designated
for extracurricular activities, and many college admissions
counselors are advising prospective students to devote
themselves fully to pursuits they genuinely love.
Fallout
from over-scheduling
When
you say “yes” to over-scheduling, you
also say “no” to your family. Overburdened
families are more prone to arguing than their less-frenetic
counterparts and are less likely to spend time together.
Twenty years ago parents worked about nine fewer hours
per week than those raising their families today and
today’s parents have more options vying for
their and their children’s available time.
With
some 41 million children participating in organized
competitive sports, between practices, travel and
games, schoolwork and homework, and other commitments
such as lessons in music or the arts, only moments
remain for hanging out with family. And, those occasions
are often spent with parents and children electronically
and individually entertaining themselves. While there
are many pluses to enjoyable sports and assorted lessons,
piling on commitments has an opposite, even negative
effect on family connections and on children’s
health. The American Academy of Pediatrics released
a study that warns parents against over training and
over playing children and adolescents recommending
not placing a child on two teams in the same sport,
the town and the traveling team, for example, to avoid
excessive training and weekday as well as weekend
play. Be it soccer or swimming, tennis or baseball,
year ‘round training or participation on too
many teams (can lead to burnout and overuse injuries
which are on the rise. Emergency room visits for child
and adolescent sports injuries are on the upswing
as well.
In
an analysis of five decades’ worth of research,
Dr. Jean Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego
State University, found that today’s adolescents
are overburdened to a degree once seen in child psychiatric
patients. According to a survey by Liberty Mutual
and Students Against Destructive Decisions, 43 percent
of 13 to 14 year olds feel stressed every single day;
between the ages of 15 to 17, this number grows to
59 percent. And, sleeplessness--usually blamed on
late-night video game playing and online chatting--is
more likely to be caused by stress. A Sleep in America
poll reports that as many as two-thirds of children
experience one or more sleep problems at least a few
nights a week.
10
pointers to stop the frenzy:
Extracurricular
activity participation is voluntary, and thus completely
in your (and your child’s) control. Here are
a few tips to counter the pressure and fight the urge
to over-schedule your children:
- Embrace unstructured play time because it helps
children develop creatively and learn how to fill
time on their own.
- Fit
in as many family dinners as possible especially
during the school year. It’s one of the
rare times you are most likely to discover problems
your child might be having at school or with friends.
- Learn
to say NO when your child begs and whines to add
another activity to his already crowded schedule.
- Examine
the request together. Just like saying “no”
to commitment excess, good decision-making is
a learned skill. Before your child signs up yet
again, help her to figure out how many meetings
or practices there will be per month, if there
will be dues, competitions, fundraising…
- Consider
your family size and ages of your other children.
Is dragging your baby or toddler along doable
without adding to your own stress and anxiety?
- Be
a good stress model. Children learn how to manage
stress by watching their parents. If you find
yourself reeling with stress, screaming at life’s
frustrations instead of finding a resolution,
you can’t expect your children to understand
the proper way to react when they are overloaded
and exhausted.
- Accept
the fact that children get over disappointment
far faster than adults. It’s safe to presume
that your child will not be on a therapist’s
couch 20 years from now blaming you for the lessons
you denied or the team you didn’t let her
join. She’ll find something far more significant.
- Being
less overwhelmed reduces the chances that you
will lose your temper with your children making
both you and them miserable.
- Forget
keeping up with the Jones’s.
- Reserve
time to build family ties and touching points
that become important memories and critical touching
points in later years.
For
more on how to say NO to your children, friends, family
and at work to reduce overload, see: www.thebookofno.com
About
the Author:
Susan
Newman, Ph.D., is a social psychologist and author
of 13 parenting and relationship books including:
The
Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It—and Mean It and Stop
People-Pleasing Forever
(McGraw-Hill)), Parenting
an Only Child, The Joys and Challenges of Raising
Your One and Only
(Broadway/Doubleday), and Little
Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel
Special Every Day
(Random House/Crown), among others. She has appeared
on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN, NPR
and many other television and radio programs. Visit:
www.susannewmanphd.com
