That
said, I also realize that it's not easy to keep a healthy
balance between thinking of ourselves as both partners and
as parents. How do we achieve the right balance that makes
us feel that we are doing a good job as parents without
losing sight of the reason you became a family in the first
place?
Carve
Out Time
Despite so many kids, so many demands, and so much enjoyment
we get from our kids, Jim and I always carve out time for
just the two of us. It's not always easy, but we don't waste
time trying to figure out if we deserve it.
One
night last summer we did just that. It was a Friday and
I had been with the kids all week. I was exhausted and had
spent all my energy reserves. As usual the kids had a swim
meet and Jim and I had planned to meet there to watch them
race. When he arrived from the office, we took one look
at each other and knew we needed to create time for just
the two of us. At the end of the swim meet, we took the
kids to McDonald's (not something we regularly do) and then
home. Once they were showered, in their pajamas, and set
for bed, we headed out the door, leaving the older kids
to babysit.
We
didn't deliberate over whether the kids were okay -- we
knew they were safe and sound. And we also knew it was just
as important for us to have time alone. We had a lovely
-- albeit short -- dinner out and enjoyed every minute of
it.
The
best gift you can give your children is a loving relationship
with your spouse. When children know -- and witness -- their
parents putting aside time for each other, kids understand
that their parents are committed to each other. They also
know that their parents love each other. In turn this love
between their parents makes kids feel safe, enabling them
to grow unhindered, following their own unique destinies.
On
the other hand when children are always put first or experience
rancor between their parents, constant fighting, verbal
violence, or a lack of trust, then children question the
very root of their foundation. Such a lack of safety breeds
internal chaos and insecurity -- two obstacles to healthy
self-esteem and confidence.
Show
Your Love
For both your children's sake and your own, it's important
to put energy into your primary relationship. Show your
love toward him in front of your kids. Take time to be alone
with your spouse. Your kids couldn't have a better gift
than to know their parents love and respect each other and
like to spend time with each other.
This
also means that you have to save some attention for your
man at the end of the day. When Jim gets home at night I
will have his dinner place set with a pretty placemat, plate,
and a big glass of water with lemon and sometimes a drink.
I try to greet him at the door looking eager for him to
get out of his car. I get off the phone so he knows I am
focused on him. I will also kiss him. When he gets home,
if I'm not right at the door, he seeks me out.
Taking
Time to Reconnect
Even if you feel wiped out at the end of the day, you will
feel reenergized simply by reconnecting with your spouse.
Granted you may not have the energy to greet him with a
beautiful smile on your face each night, but if you do it
often enough, he will know that you care about him in that
way.
Consider
these ways to reconnect with your spouse:
