The ‘popular
kids’ are always the same. I was in school 40
years ago, and it was the same as kids describe now.
The kids that wear the expensive clothes, Abercrombie,
American Eagle, Hollister are the big ones now, and
play sports, and can do school well, be cheery and
outgoing , (and a big huge home helps), become popular.
The kids who are not the straight cookie cutter variety,
often are left out, misunderstood, or considered weird
. The popular kids either deliberately or inadvertently
make life hell for the others.
As a parent,
watching kids go through this is very difficult, sad
and anger provoking. Kids will come to me in counseling
and tell me that they sit all day in fear of a girl
dissing them, embarrassing them or rolling their eyes
at another girl about them. These kids are terrified
to speak up because then their reputation will be
ruined. They can’t tell a teacher because going
for outside help is a sign of weakness. And most assured,
going for help will cause reason for retaliation.
Kids, due to this stressful experience, get stomach
aches, anxiety, and all kinds of medical ailments,
that are stress, turned inward to the body.
The kids need tools to deal with this problem.
As a parent
careful thought is needed because it is easy to say
the wrong thing and anger your child, or render them
feeling more helpless. Here are some wrong ways to
handle it. The following are comments that DO NOT
work.
1. Do not
tell your child that she is prettier than that girl
that thinks she is all that, and the girl is just
jealous. This isn’t believable to your child
and isn’t the point, therefore doesn’t
offer a tool to solve the problem. The child will
have a come back for you about how not helpful you
are.
2. Do not
tell your child not to let it bother them, and that
they are fine the way they are. The child will tell
you how you don’t get it, and that this is their
life. How dare you make light of a huge problem, and
tell them they are fine the way they are, when clearly
they aren’t or the others would like them more.
3. Do not
tell your child how much smarter and interesting they
are than the others. Don’t criticize the others
for their emphasis on Abercrombie and other trendy
stores, saying that you find them stupid and unnecessary.
Children want to fit in. They don’t have that
level of reasoning capacity.
Kids need
to know what to do when they are in this situation.
Here are examples of what to do to actually help your
child. The first thing to do is:
1. Listen
to your child’s story of what is going on for
them without making judgment. Hear them out. Empathize
with their difficulty without overreacting, or under
reacting. They need someone they can trust and talk
to.
2. After
they tell their story, ask them non judgmental questions,
trying to understand what they would like to see happen
in their situation. For example, I had a child who
was upset because 12 kids in her class planned on
going to the park together. She and her 4 friends
were not invited. She felt unpopular, hurt and left
out. I asked her what she wanted, and she said to
be able to go with them. She felt she couldn’t
just invite herself, she’d look too desperate.
I asked her why she thought she might be left out.
Without judgment, this question helped her to think
at a higher level than she had been.
3. Explain
kid’s behavior to your kids. Sometimes kids
leave people out because they don’t see you
all the time, or feel if they ask you, they have to
ask all your friends. Sometimes they need to know
you better. Sometimes it may not be deliberate. In
the case of the girl above, I gave her an example
of how she might ask to go without being intrusive
or too needy. Sometimes asking is a good thing. Sometimes
you have to be assertive to be included. Take your
child’s lead and ask what they think about this.
What would be hard about this for them, or not so
hard about asking to join in? Listen again without
judgment. Gather facts and work with them.
4. Try
to help your child make more choices and expand their
thinking by widening the idea of, “They don’t
like me; I’m not cool”, to maybe they
overlooked it, or they couldn’t have more kids
and had to pick their closest friends. Teach them
how they might be noticed more or become a closer
friend.
5. Let
them know that believing in themselves and creating
what they want for themselves is possible and necessary.
Let them know how fortunate they are to have the close
friends that they have and how to even meet more friends
if their group is getting thinner, which it does.
6. Help
them to get involved in activities that connect them
to new friends and new ideas and options in their
lives. Go for the take action strategy to change the
things you don’t like in your life, and waste
less energy feeling bad about things. This is a lesson
everyone must learn to get ahead in their lives.
7. Share
examples with them about you, and overcoming those
painful social school experiences.
About
the Author:
Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with
20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children,
families and couples. Sally is the author of How
to Raise the Next President ,
a groundbreaking parents' guide to teaching and instilling
in their kids the qualities they'll need to be happy,
successful and productive, no matter which path they
choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching
and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com.
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