Rational
Parents = Rational kids
By
Sally Sacks
www.sallysacks.com
If
you want to have kids who use their brains effectively,
you have to communicate with them rationally. In other
words, you must make sense.
If you
as a parent are rational, fair, open minded and diplomatic,
you will parent just fine. This doesn’t mean
never yelling, or getting angry. It doesn’t
mean saying yes politely to all requests. It means
thinking things out and assertively directing your
child toward a better choice when needed.
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For example,
my sixth grader recently wanted a cell phone. She
told me that she was the last kid in her class not
to have one. I realize that now this is true, although
I don’t understand who these kids are calling,
maybe Ghostbusters!
It seems
ridiculous to me to pay money for a phone, to look
cool -- Razors, Chocolates, Parfaits, Angel phones
– when there is no one to call other than a
friend to ask “What’s up! Did Angie talk
to you today?” Now, if a child needs to reach
a parent because of family needs, that’s a different
story, but these cases are rare. I say to my child,
“ I know you would like that phone. Who wouldn’t
when everyone has one?” But I don’t think
it is necessary to have a phone in sixth grade, and
I really can’t spend the money for things we
don’t really need.’’
My answer
is met with squeaks, anger, endless questions, but
I hold fast and assertively to my idea with understanding
of her desires living in a culture where this is the
norm in upper middle class towns. If the squeaking
gets too out of hand or annoying, I announce my need
to leave, she slams the door, I remain calm, and 10
minutes later she comes in to hug me. I accept the
hug and nothing is mentioned, It is over and I am
happy. For now!
Rational
thinking and assertiveness always gets the point across.
When you have teens, you really need to use this.
Always use it with understanding and kindness, not
critical judgment. You might say to a teen who gets
in trouble for ringing doorbells as a prank, late
at night, “I can understand the fun that would
bring to a 14 year old, but think of the consequences,”
and list them. “You might get a really angry
person who calls the police.” “You could
wake up a child, who the parents spent hours trying
to get down.” “You may scare someone.”
You are understanding developmentally where the child
is, but offering rational thought to influence behavior.
Rational parenting stretches children’s minds
to see more choices and consequences in behavior.
The most flexible mind, with the most choices is always
the most effective one in dealing with life, people,
and life’s challenges.
How you
can become a more rational parent:
1. Listen
to your kids and evaluate what they are saying.
2. Think of all the choices that you have in offering
advice or direction.
3. Ask them questions, and challenge in a teaching
way, why that may or may not be a good idea.
4. Offer stories about rational thinking. Give them
an example of a bad choice that you made and how you
made a better one and life was better for it.
5. Remember all mistakes are opportunities to learn
for you and your child.
6. Be the thinking you want to see in your child,
provided you have insight into yourself to know your
thinking is rational.
7. Work on yourself and your own personal growth daily.
8. When you fall as a parent pick yourself up. Allow
for mistakes. That is the key to rational thinking.
9. Enjoy the parenting journey. It ends all too fast.
About
the Author:
Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a licensed psychotherapist, with
20 years of experience, counseling individuals, children,
families and couples. Sally is the author of How
to Raise the Next President ,
a groundbreaking parents' guide to teaching and instilling
in their kids the qualities they'll need to be happy,
successful and productive, no matter which path they
choose in life. Sally offers personal and group coaching
and can be reached through her website at www.sallysacks.com.
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