It
actually helps if your child has gotten one of these
must-have presents the last year that was supposed to
be soooooo cool and soooooo amazing and it turned out
to be different than the commercial. You can remind
your child of that this year. “Things are not
always as they seem.” Explain to your child that
“wish lists” are just that, wishes and they
do not all get filled. They are for you (and Santa if
he is part of your holiday season) to choose from. They
may remain wishes. One thing my dad always used to say
to me when I asked for things when I was growing up
was, “Joanne, it’s always good to want things.”
Meaning: it’s okay to want something just know
you won’t always get it, but it’s something
you can strive for and maybe earn it over time if you
really still want it.
I
remember one year (and this is showing my age) I really
wanted a 3-Speed English racer bicycle. I really, really
wanted it. I was dreaming about riding that shiny black
bike long before I got it. My dad patiently sat me down
and told me he’d like to get it for me for my
birthday but that we just couldn’t afford it and
maybe I could help. I was about ten years old. How was
I going to help? But somehow, a few relatives gave me
money for my birthday and I was able to chip in. We
went to the store together and bought the bike. It was
so thrilling! I know I felt proud because I helped buy
it.
At
the time, I hated when my father said, “Joanne
it’s always good to want something.” I hated
hearing that because it usually meant I wasn’t
going to get it. And like every child, my wants were
so strong and so immediate, like I had to have whatever
“it” was. Slowly, over time I realized that
a lot of those things I really wanted, when I didn’t
get them, and other friends did, I often wasn’t
as impressed as I thought I’d be, and it was really
“okay” not to have it. Or, if I got a less
expensive off brand that worked as well, I learned the
benefit of shopping for value rather than name brand.
Sometimes I learned that when I did not get the item
in any way shape or form, that the desire went away
and life was really okay without having that “thing”
I had wanted so much. Another lesson was that my taste
changed and sometimes a short time later I didn’t
even want “it” anymore. That one line taught
me so many things. It’s one of the lines I have
chosen to repeat with my child only with a longer explanation
than the one I received. He still doesn’t like
hearing it but hopefully he’s learning some of
the same valuable lessons I learned.
So
how do we teach our child respect and limits this holiday
season? Here are 8 ways to nurture respect in your child:
1.
Be honest with yourself about your limit.
2. Share your limits with your child and discuss them
so your child understands.
3. Make some gifts together so your child can feel proud
about helping and creating a gift for someone else.
4. Make cards together having your child dictate messages
to loved ones if he or she is too young to write a message.
5. Listen carefully when your child speaks and tell
your child what you are hearing him say to say you.
6. Ask your child if you’ve heard him correctly.
If you haven’t, take the time to go over it again
until you know you’ve heard what’s important
to your child.
7. Teach your child the differences between needs and
wants, especially how both can feel very intense but
they’re not the same. If you can teach your child
that, you’ll be giving the best gift you can give.
8. Be respectful with your child: talk kindly, be patient,
focus on your child, give your child positive messages,
slow down to your child’s pace, listen for your
child’s needs, and respect your child’s
limits. When you treat your child with respect you will
get respect back. It follows naturally.
About
the Author:
Dr. Joanne Baum is a therapist, speaker, author, mediator,
and columnist. With more than thirty years of clinical
experience Dr. Baum specializes in issues faced by couples,
parents, families, and individuals. Joanne does parent
coaching in person, via phone or e-mail. Dr. Baum also
works as a divorce coach, child specialist, and Child
and Family Investigator for divorcing families. Joanne
is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, a Board Certified
Diplomat in Clinical Social Work, and a Certified Alcoholism
Counselor, Level III. Dr. Baum has authored four books
including her recent book, Got
the Baby…Where’s the Manual?!?
She has a private practice in Evergreen, Colorado. For
more information visit www.respectfulparenting.com.
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