Then along comes baby number two. Suddenly, this new
baby gets all the attention. The older child feels his
parents love the new baby more because of how they fawn
over it. There’s a sense of competition because
the older child feels he must now fight this tiny thing
for their parents love.
A little competition is a good thing. We can’t
develop to our full potential without it. But what happens
when competition turns to antagonism? Are there things
parents can do at the outset to make sure their children
develop strong bonds of love and friendship as opposed
to anger and resentment?
Most parents agree that preparation far in advance
of the new baby’s arrival is crucial. Sonia, a
26 year old client services coordinator from Toronto,
Canada has a two year old girl and a new baby due this
November. While she concedes that the little girl is
probably too young to full understand what’s going
on, it was important to her prepare her toddler for
the new arrival so that she wouldn’t feel threatened
that her place in mommy’s heart would be replaced.
Sonia and her husband decided to ease their little girl
into the huge transition by making some of the big changes
early, before the baby arrives so that their daughter
wouldn’t ‘blame’ the new baby for
the upheaval. “We moved her out of the nursery
and into her 'big girl' room early so that she wouldn't
feel that the baby was kicking her out. We made a very
big deal about the painting and decorating. She took
it really well. In fact, she no longer thinks of the
nursery as her room and knows that's where the baby's
going to be sleeping.
We've decided that it might be best if he's the one
holding the baby when it gets introduced to my daughter,
that way she won't feel that it's stealing my attention
from the first moment she meets it. And, since people
visiting at the hospital will probably bring gifts for
the baby, we're going to have the baby 'bring' a gift
for my daughter, and have her bring one for the baby
(which she will choose herself) as well. I know people
who have done this and it's worked really well for them.”
Perhaps there’s a chance for an easier adjustment
if the first child is considerably older when the new
baby arrives. Such is the case with Denise, a 26 year
old stay at home mother of two from Etobicoke, Canada.
Her then five year old daughter was very excited when
Denise and her husband informed her of the baby to come.
“We talked a lot about it and read kids stories
about introducing a new baby.”
It may be easier because the older child has had more
interaction with other children. She has learned to
share and has had more years to build her confidence
and feel secure in her parent’s affection that
once the new baby arrives, she doesn’t see him
as a threat. It also helps that a baby’s needs
and the needs of a preschooler are quite different so
that the older child doesn’t feel like the parents
are denying their needs to fulfill the baby’s.
However as the new baby grows to a toddler and develops
his own personality along with the ability to communicate,
friction might develop between the two. Denise explains,
“The younger can argue his point back now so they
argue more because they both can speak! And of course
there’s always the battle of the toys, ‘how
come she/he gets it.’”
So what happens if sibling rivalry develops later in
life? Parents who have lucked out the early years may
not be out of the woods when it comes to friction between
siblings. Sibling rivalries can reach notoriously high
levels in adolescence because of the changing dynamics
of not only how parents deal with their children (more
rules, more responsibilities) but also how the siblings
deal with each other (competition, resentment). Throw
in a teen’s changing hormones and the household
could become a powder keg, vulnerable to the slightest
spark of animosity. This was definitely the case for
Sandi, a 52 year old executive director from Los Angeles.
Things started off well. “My daughter was 3 years
old. She was very excited to learn that she was going
to have a baby brother. She was in a daycare setting
and understood younger children very well.” But
once the two siblings hit their teen years, things began
to change. “The children competed academically.
They accused us of loving one more than the other.”
When Sandi’s marriage ended, this seemed to have
been the spark to her children’s rivalry, despite
their parents’ best efforts. “We treated
them equally and fairly, ensuring that one didn't get
more attention than the other nor did they ever receive
more than the other in terms of love, affection, gifts
and opportunities. My children are the victims of divorce
and their sibling rivalry impacted their choices regarding
where they chose to live once my ex and I divorced.”
Sibling rivalry may have been a part of the human condition
since Cain and Abel in the biblical era. The general
consensus seems to be the earliest the potential for
rivalry is addressed; the better chance of heading it
off before it becomes unmanageable and tears a family
apart. As long as parents remain stead fast in showering
both children with equal measures of love and affection;
sibling rivalry, while not completely avoidable, can
be managed effectively.
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