For
many parents Time Outs have become a “Go to
your room!” or a “Get out of my face!”
banishment or rejection. Ideally Time Outs provide
a breather between two parties who are in tension.
Time Outs can be used by parents, children, spouses
or countries at war. Often it is the parent who really
needs a Time Out. And, it’s OK to do just that.
It provides great modeling of self-responsibility
and self-soothing. You could say something like, “I’m
feeling really frustrated. I want to handle this problem
calmly. I’m going to take a 10 minute Time Out
and then we can talk some more.”
Isn’t
this what we would like our children to be able to
do for themselves? Don’t we want to teach our
children how to be responsible individuals and to
have the skills to better manage their emotions, thoughts,
words and behaviors? Is so, then we will want to give
a healthy meaning to Time Out.
In
addition to modeling the usefulness of a Time Out
there are times when we can say to a child, “Do
you need a Time Out so you can come back and start
fresh?” Have children decide when they are ready
to come back and TRY AGAIN with new and different
behavior. Some time and distance from a situation
is often what many of us need. For many children Time
Outs have become either an experience of being rejected
to their bedroom when the going gets tough or freedom
to play in their Disney World-like paradise. The first
bedroom scenario can create a hated room where children
have trouble sleeping at night while the second scenario
provides a “so what?” attitude of escape
from relationship and responsibility.
Otto
Weininger, professor emeritus in the Early Childhood
Education Department at OISE, describes Time In. His
belief is that when children are not managing themselves
well they need more attention. He encourages parents
to say something like, “I see what you are doing
and saying. It seems like you need more help. I am
here for you. Let me know when you can manage on your
own.” A Time In may involve taking children
out of challenging situations such as fighting with
playmates or siblings. Once separated from the scene
parents can discuss the unacceptable behavior and
encourage children to choose appropriate conduct.
Some parents may worry that children will misbehave
to seek attention and Time In sounds like giving into
that demand. Seldom do children misbehave to receive
attention where parents hold them accountable for
their behaviors and require them to choose responsible
alternatives.
Whether
it’s a Time Out or a Time In, ask yourself what
you want to accomplish and what you want your child
to learn. In the between times get some Time Out and
Time In for yourself.
About the Author:
Patricia Morgan is a counselor and speaker who helps
parents and others lighten their load and brighten
their outlook. She has authored Love
Her As She Is: Lessons from a Daughter Stolen by Addictions ,
She Said: A Tapestry of Women’s Quotes and four
upbeat booklets.
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