The news
is full of stories about how our children are growing
up to fast, exhibiting behaviours that we experienced
at a much later age. We only thinking of bullying as something
to worry about once our children enter school but more
and more common now is the ‘toddler bully’.
Play dates are supposed to be fun but your child may
encounter another child who likes throw his weight around,
who likes to hit, intimidate other children, who likes
to steal their toys and just basically make play time
anything but.
So how do you deal with a toddler bully? Do you scold
them? Do you go to their parents and what happens when
their parents aren’t willing to believe that their
‘angel’ could possibly be a bully?
Tianna Xander, a 43 year old author from Michigan had
such an encounter when her two children attended a play
date with a few other children. “Unfortunately
there was a child that would bully both my son and daughter
and if they didn't do what he wanted, he would bite
them. My daughter being older just told his mother.
I did as well. His mother was of the mind that her son
could do no wrong and it was someone else biting my
children so she did nothing. It wasn't until my son,
who was younger than the boy, finally bit him back that
he stopped. I guess he didn't like the retaliation.”
While violence isn’t advocated as a solution
all the time, it is important that we teach our children
to stand up for themselves when parents of bullying
toddlers don’t seem to be willing to step up and
correct their child’s behaviour.
As much as you may want to, you can’t parent
someone else’s child, even when you think they’re
doing a crappy job. Your focus should remain on your
own child. So the best way to teach your child to stand
up for yourself is by setting a good example.
Let’s say you see this little bully taking a
toy your child was playing with, instead of getting
angry and yelling at him, simply walk over, take the
toy from him and explain very calmly but firmly that
your child was playing with it first and when your child
is done, he can play with the toy. Suggest some other
toys he can play with in the mean time. When your child
is done with the time, make sure they understand why
they now have to give the toy to the other child and
explain why the bully’s behaviour wasn’t
acceptable.
Hopefully this will be all it takes for the bully to
know that he cannot treat your child or any child in
a mean way. However if the bully retaliates by hitting
your child it’s time to bring his parents into
the situation. If you’re the guest at the play
date and the parents are around, wait to see how they
handle their child striking out. If they do nothing
explain to the bullying child that what they just did
was very wrong and you know they’re parents wouldn’t
want them to behave like that. Hopefully they’re
parent will step in and back you up, but prepared, they
may not.
If they take offence at you trying to discipline their
children, explain calmly but firmly that their child
was treating your child badly and you have to make your
child’s feelings and safety a priority. If they
continue to be angry with you make it clear that you
don’t want to step in and parent their child but
if they are not willing to show their child that their
behaviour is wrong, you’ll have to cancel any
further play dates with them. Be prepared to walk out
or tell them it’s best for them to leave if they
are at your house.
Parents are as varied in temperament as their children.
Some of them never outgrow the tantrum stage and you
never know how a parent is going to react to the news
that their ‘angel’ is a bully. You can’t
control how they’re going to react but you can
control how you bring their child’s behaviour
to their attention.
If when the bullying child displays his aggressive
behaviour the parent is not around then you need to
make it very clear that you will be telling his parents
that he was misbehaving. When the parents return to
pick up their child, make sure you explain what their
child did, again without being accusing or confrontational,
before the child has a chance to spin the story to his
benefit. Explain that you would like to continue having
their child over for play dates and you think it’s
best to give them a chance to talk with their little
one first before setting the next date. The best case
scenario will have them thanking you for bringing the
matter to their attention and they talk to their child
so that he amends his behaviour and the play dates can
continue on a more fun path for both of your kids.
While it is disconcerting to know that bullying can
happen as early as the toddler years, it’s also
encouraging to realize that if it’s happening
early, it can be corrected early and the little terror
won’t grow up to become the schoolyard bully we
all remember.
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