“When he comes home and tells me he’s
had a tough day, he thinks he’s done. Doesn’t
he know that I, too, am exhausted and have an equal
desire to park it on the couch?”
—Mary, married 5 years, 2 kids
“My
husband actually said to me, ‘What’s
the big deal about taking care of one baby? How
hard can it be?’”—Phoebe, married
12 years, 3 kids
Meanwhile,
new dads are often frustrated when their efforts to
help are shot down by their wives. Those powerful
maternal instincts can veer towards maternal chauvinism
– “no one can care for that child like
me” – and, at best, many new dads have
an assistant mom role foisted upon them. Criticized
for buying the wrong brand of formula, holding the
baby incorrectly or dressing the child in pajamas,
many retreat to the sidelines.
“For three months she didn’t let me
take Ashley anywhere near the tub, then in month
four, she bit my head off because I didn’t
know how to give her a bath.”
—Harry, married 11 years, 2 kids
“I
got so annoyed with my wife hovering over me when
I would change a diaper. I finally told her to back
off.”
- Mark, married 6 years, 1 kid
These
small misunderstandings can really wear a couple down,
especially when you’re both trying to get by
on four or five hours of sleep a night. The good news
is that there is a relatively easy way to bring you
both some perspective and mutual understanding (and
hopefully a few laughs as well) as you adjust to new
parenthood. Our patent-pending, marriage-altering
solution is called the Training Weekend.
The
Training Weekend
The
Training Weekend requires Mom to leave the house for
48 hours, and leave Dad to man the house and kid ropes
on his own. No sitters. No in-laws. No 1-800-Grandma.
No cavalry whatsoever. The point is to let Dad figure
things out for himself, to show Mom that he can do
it and bring you both one step closer to the co-parenting
ideal.
To All the Female Doubters Out There: Let Go of the
Reins
To our surprise, when we suggested a Training Weekend,
some women looked at us in horror as if we had asked
them to donate their babies’ kidneys. One of
them even said, “Is that safe?” They also
said:
- “My baby needs me; she can’t survive
without me.”
- “My husband wouldn’t know what to
do. He wouldn’t do anything right.”
- “If I went away, it would be a Baby Einstein
Extravaganza.”
- “I would have to write out twenty-two pages
of notes before I could get out the door. It just
wouldn’t be worth it.”
The baby will survive! Your husband is, we assume, a
highly functioning adult in full command of his faculties.
(If he’s not, OK, you have bigger problems and
don’t have to do the Training Weekend.) He can
do this. The occasional Baby Einstein Extravaganza never
hurt anyone. And if you have to write twenty-two pages
of notes, so be it. Just do it.
The
one legitimate objection we heard was that it’s
too hard to organize a girl trip. Most women just
won’t go away on trips and leave their families.
It took Stacie six months and over a hundred emails
to organize her college friends to go away on a girl
trip. Another friend’s first effort was aborted
when one of the women wanted to bring her one-year-old
along. By comparison, when men sense an opportunity
for escape, they quickly organize themselves like
flying geese in Perfect V Formation headed straight
for the airport.
Don’t
let a logistical dilemma prevent a Training Weekend.
Spend two days and nights on your own if that’s
the only alternative (sounds heavenly, actually).
The
Benefits
The
benefits of a properly executed Training Weekend are
enormous:
Dad
understands. By taking sole charge of
all baby- and house-related duties for a weekend, a
man better understands his wife’s challenges and
frustrations. The proverbial penny drops. He gets it,
because he’s done it. Mom returns to a grateful
and more helpful husband.
“I had a list of things I wanted to get done
when I had the kids by myself, and I was lucky if
half of it got done. I didn’t shower and I
didn’t shave. I could barely hold things together.
It gave me an enormous appreciation for what my
wife does. This was eight years ago and I remember
it like it was yesterday.”
—George, married 13 years, 2 kids
“I had no idea taking care of a baby was
so hard. How does she do this day in and day out?
I was truly in awe of her when she got back.”
—Brandon, married 3 years, 1 kid
Dad bonds with the baby. Dad will, possibly for
the first time ever, connect with the baby on his
terms. Once Mom is gone, Dad can figure it out for
himself. He gets to play by his own rules. This
knowledge makes him a more confident and competent
father.
“It gives you a chance to get to know your
kids better. It allows you to really fall in love
with them.”
—Ian, married 7 years, 2 kids
Mom understands. Once she
sees that her husband is perfectly capable of caring
for their child, Mom starts to relax her standards a
little. She realizes that while he won’t do it
the way she does it, he can do it.
Mom
gets a break. If Mama ain’t happy,
ain’t nobody happy. Everyone benefits from a
well-rested, recharged Mom.
“I didn’t know I needed it
until I had it. Boy, did I need it!”
—Valerie, married 7 years, 2 kids
Continuing
Education
Training
Weekends aren’t just for the newborn stage.
Regardless of how old your kids are, if you think
your husband is slipping a little in the appreciation
and/or action departments or if your wife is showing
control-freak tendencies, it might be time for some
continuing education. And if you’ve never had
a Training Weekend, well, what are you waiting for?!
