I am changing. I don’t know what that means exactly except to say that lately I feel no-so-much-myself-ish. Or maybe it’s that I’ve been feeling oh-so-much-more-like myself-ish. Whichever it is, it’s a strange and unsettling feeling. It’s kind of itchy and uncomfortable, like wearing a too-small sweater. Some days I feel like I can’t breathe from all the pressure and other days I feel like I can’t breathe from all the promise. I imagine I am feeling as a snake does as it’s about to shed its skin. Tight and loose and old and new all at the same time.
I’ve also been full-to-bursting with emotions. Small things are making me cry; nuanced moments that seem less than tear-worthy are evoking just as many tears as the big, obvious-drama ones. Everything I do seems exaggerated and important - like I need to remember every second in case it’s the last memory I’ll ever have. I’ll walk past the baby as she’s lying on the floor and then walk back deliberately to pick her up. As I do, I’ll smell her neck and vow that I will try not to put her down any more than I have to. I am all at once contemplative and impetuous, excessive and reserved. One minute I am contemplating my mortality, the next I am visualizing my old age.
I worry that this is a sign of a tumor. That my body is trying to send me a message that I’m dying. That’s it. I have very few days to live. Or…I’m coming alive again. My own self has been hibernating during my years of procreation, and now that my last baby is inching closer to one, my body and mind are reawakening. This peculiar feeling is making me Alice in Wonderland-ish. I have in front of me a million little bottles. All of them say “drink me” and I can’t figure out which one to choose.
In an inspired moment I Googled “What is my purpose?” and it led me to this:
www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-your-life-purpose-in-about-20-minutes/
I’m going to give it a shot.
It might turn out that my life purpose is blindly engaging in mindless purpose-seeking exercises that I stumble upon online.
Hey! That only took 30 seconds!
Victory is mine.
“Oh Mommy, I think your purpose should be holding me all day long. That and maybe trying to occasionally wear make-up.”
