I was shopping at Wal-Mart today when I spotted a familiar face peering out from behind the sleeve of a child’s sleeper. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it was Kate Gosselin!
I’d recognize that lazy eye anywhere!
She has apparently taken enough time away from her hectic schedule of public husband slander, embarrassing divorce antics, child pimping, and slutty shoe shopping to offer moms of the world her own special brand of advice via a partnership with childrens’ apparel giant, Healthtex — who gushes on the back of this tag, “Wouldn’t it be great to get tips and emails from “America’s Busiest Mom” Kate Gosselin?”
Yes, Healthtex, it would be great! Thanks for asking! As a busy mom myself, I feel I could learn a lot from this maternal icon, and therefore I have put together a list of burning questions that I am just dying to have answered!
Dear Kate:
A national marketing campaign little birdie told me that you are graciously offering your expertise to busy moms like yourself. This is awesome, because I’m pretty sure I’ve screwed my first 3 kids up and I’m hoping that you can step in and give me a hand with the two little ones before they’re a lost cause, too. To that end, I have a couple of questions that I’d love to have answered.
1) I’ve been a mom for over 11 years now and I have not made one red cent off of my children! This has weighed heavy on my conscience for a while now. While I do have a large family, fertility and fate totally screwed me by only giving me my five kids one at a time, and not all at once. I have a feeling this is what has been holding us back from a marketing perspective. Your thoughts?
2) You manage to travel (for reasons unknown) approximately 90% of the time, yet you still maintain the image that you are a full-time, hands-on single mom. I’m lucky if I get to hit the grocery store once a week unencumbered. How I can I spend LESS time with my children but still get full credit like you do?
3) I’ve heard you talk about how broke you are on several national news outlets (I really hope that you were finally able to put those unpaid bills in your purse into the mail!). However, nearly every photo of you shows you sporting gel nails, expensive shoes, a trendy wardrobe, and of course, that haircut (although I suspect that might be one of the areas where you cut corners). Is there a secret to looking like a million bucks without spending a million? My husband says we’re on a budget but to that I say, “Just look at Kate Gosselin! She has nothing, yet she has it all.”
Well, that’s all for now, although I have a billion more ideas in my head for questions I still want answered, like “How do I get my husband to wear Ed Hardy shirts without having to actually break up with him?”
I appreciate your time, Kate, and I will be on the edge of my seat awaiting your sage advice. In the meantime, tell your nanny to tell your kids that I said, “Hi!”
Regards,
“Desperately Seeking Series”
Tags: Kate Gosselin
