I don’t like to be a moper.  I like to deal with things and move forward.  When I had my ectopic loss back in 2007 I grieved for a while but then I moved forward.  I don’t know if my way of dealing with things is healthier or less healthy than someone else’s but it’s how I am.  I don’t like to be depressed –not that anybody does – so I try really hard to not stay down for too long.  I find that the sooner I get back into my normal routine the better I feel.

But, I am still having a hard time with moving forward and just need to get a few unresolved feelings out there.  Every time I look at my kids I start thinking the next time I am going to hold a baby of my own it is going to be my grandbaby.  Then I start getting down again.  I wanted to be done when I had my last baby.  I didn’t want the choice to be done to be taken away from me.  I was going to be ready.  I just wanted one more.

And, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone.  Since I am dealing with secondary infertility, the only support I seem to really get is from my JustMommies friends.  In real life people are nice to me but at the same time they make their little comments about large families and only wanting to have two kids.  I am sure that they think what do you even need another kid for?  They probably think it’s a good thing that I am not pregnant.  And that makes this all the more difficult.  When I was trying to conceive Jeremy, everyone knew we had been trying a long time and that I had had several losses.  They were so supportive of me.  I had a huge baby shower from all my work friends because they were so excited when I finally got pregnant.  This time around though, it’s not the same.  Nobody cares and nobody gets it.  (I don’t want to say nobody since I know that I have a lot of support on JM but in my real life nobody gets it.)

Both my mom and my dad have made comments about how I was going to get pregnant now that I have stopped trying.  I am sure they think we just wasted a ton of money –which of course we didn’t need to waste – on IVF.  Since I have always been able to just pop out babies, another one is just surely around the corner.  I just need to relax.  My mother in law doesn’t even know we were trying.  She thinks we should have stopped two kids ago.  We won’t even discuss this too much since I do worry that one day she will get the internet – not very likely since she doesn’t even have a computer – or that someone else that knows her will stumble across my blog and tell her all about this.

I cancelled my maternity coverage – or am in the process of doing this anyway – so if I do manage to get pregnant I guess we will have to pay for it all out of pocket.  We have been spending a fortune on maternity coverage for almost three years.  And, the crazy thing is now that I have dropped it, I sit and worry that this will be the time that I actually get pregnant.  Then, not only will I be stuck footing the bill but I will have to listen to all the people in my life say, “See I told you.”  Don’t get me wrong if I somehow ended up pregnant after all this, I could live with the I told you so’s but why do people have to be so insulting.  How do they think that this would make me feel?

P

Tags: secondary infertility

This entry was posted on Monday, March 29th, 2010 at 2:30 pm and is filed under Trying to Conceive. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.