A strange thing has been happening to me over the last month. After 2.5 years of unexplained infertility, I think I just might be finally letting go.
The first inkling of this came a few days after we returned from my husband’s 40th birthday cruise in mid June. We had spent a week with good friends who have 7- and 10-year-olds that are so painfully shy that it hurt me to see how uncomfortable they are in the world. Even after spending a week with them, they hadn’t really opened up. Then, I considered other dear friends who have a 19 month old who has a form of albinism. Because of her albinism, she has vision issues that keep her in baby sunglasses and away from sunny days on the playground, plus hardships later in life.
Thinking of the hardships some parents go through, I thought in the shower one morning, Tuesday, June 22nd to be precise, that maybe it would be okay if my husband and I didn’t have children after all. It was the very first time in my entire life, not just the past 2.5 years, where that thought didn’t make me cry.
Even more recently, I’ve been thinking of the travels we’d like to take in the next few years. We intend to return to Bali as well as Thailand in 2012. Suddenly I thought, if we still don’t have children, why not go away for three weeks instead of just two? Instead of that thought focusing on the depressing fact that we may not have children in another 2.5 years (or ever), it actually exhilarated me to think of fulfilling my dreams to travel the world in depth.
Where all of this “letting go” is heading, I have no idea. I’ve been waiting for over a year for the “knowing” to hit me that we should pursue medical intervention or adoption. But as I still wait for that moment to hit me, I find that I’m getting closer to letting it all just be. Perhaps that’s just what I need to finally get pregnant. Or maybe that’s just part of my journey in accepting this particular life circumstance that we’ve been dealt. Either way, I just might be succeeding in this one little area of the eternal obstacle of letting go that every human being faces in abundant ways. It can only benefit me, and after 2.5 years of heartache, I welcome the peace and acceptance.