It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since I had my first miscarriage, and one week since my second. I did not announce my pregnancy this last time, because I thought it would be easier for me to cope if things didn’t go well again. I was wrong. Now I just feel like I’m coping alone. I do have much support at JustMommies; the loss boards especially have been very comforting and helpful.
But life must go on. We did not tell the little kids this time around either. I couldn’t stand the thought of telling them, Daniel especially, that there would be no baby. He still randomly asks about the baby that we lost in March, and it kills me a little each time to tell him that there will be no baby.
I have to be honest. This loss did not hit me as hard as my first one. I think it’s because of how it went down. My doctor had me do blood work to check my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels, and they were so low that he wanted me to repeat the test. I think having to wait those two days prepared me for the bleeding when it started. In March, it totally came out of no where, and I was not prepared. I did not even entertain the idea that things would not go well for me.
I still long to have one more baby. I don’t know why the yearning will not go away. I am so afraid to be pregnant again, and if I do end up getting pregnant, I know that I won’t relax until I hold my baby in my arms. I am so torn right now. I am afraid to get pregnant, but at the same time I can’t stand the thought of my loss being my last pregnancy. I think that, unless you’ve lost a child, you can’t understand. Certainly you can sympathize and offer support, but you just don’t know. And I don’t want you to, either.