All sorts of anxiety. (pregnancy mentioned)

The times I had ultrasounds with Cora I was just excited beforehand.  There was no real worry.  There was vague worry about things I’d heard from others about missed miscarriages and things like that.  But not to the point where I was terrified.  I was mostly just hugely excited.  Until that last ultrasound anyway.  I hoped I was freaking out over nothing but deep down I knew she had died so I did not want to walk into that ultrasound room and have a doctor tell me what he told me.  What I knew he was going to tell me.

Now, I have that same feeling of dread before ultrasounds, even when I have no reason to think there’s a problem.  But today it was worse.  I had some bleeding this weekend and of course it just made me scared.  They got me in for an ultrasound this morning, and the dread was nearly what it was like with Cora.  I expected to hear those words again.  “I’m sorry, but there’s no heartbeat.”

There is a heartbeat, though.  Little Skittles is measuring just 1 day behind my dates, which is the closest any of my babies have been.  I teared up with relief, and the tech was so nice.  I keep staring at my picture, so thrilled that there’s really a baby in there.  A living baby.  There’s no clear reason for the bleeding either, everything looks okay.  I am so very very happy.

But I hate that one bad ultrasound has ruined that excitement I used to have.  I wish I could have that back.

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