August 29th, 2011 by

Feeling It Now…….Fear

I hate that word: fear. I’ve never been one to “fear” anything (other than spiders), but with the divorce finally starting to become real – we’re getting ready to file papers as soon as we can figure out what the Hell most of it means – I’m realizing that I am going to be on my own! All alone!! Not only the money situation scares me; it’s the not having that extra pair of hands or the extra set of eyes to help keep my kids safe. Lo is at that age where she is starting to just bolt, and OMG is it scary!! I was that crazy lady in the pet store parking lot screaming “LOLITA ANN JOLIE!!!! FREEZE! FREEZE!! FREEEEEEEZE!!!” and chasing her around the car. It was not one of my prouder moments. It’s moments like those that make me grateful that I didn’t let Kevin talk me into “just one more.”

I know that, somehow, probably with me working my ass off, everything will be okay. And when I say I work my ass off, I mean it. All day, every day. I’m so glad that we are now back on school time, the kids are asleep at 8 pm! WOOT WOOT!!! You have no idea how much easier that makes things for me. I was letting Lex have “movie nights” and let him stay up later than usual, like 10pm, and then Lo would be up all damn night with night terrors, and then I’d be up early, and well, you know how it goes. So when I think of being alone, it scares me. When I think of supporting three kids on my own, it scares me. When I think of how many spiders I’m going to have to kill myself, it scares the heck outta me. BUT that is just how sure I am that I do not want to be married anymore. I’m willing to do this alone. Kinda sad actually, if you think about it. Poor Kevin. He’s really not that bad. It’s just, well……ok, maybe he is. LOL!! I kid, I kid!! Let’s just say that his humor has saved him many times.

I look forward to the end of this chapter and the beginning of the new one, because frankly, I’m kinda sick of talking about “the divorce,” being a “single mom AGAIN,” and so on. I want to get back to life, blogging more and finally setting up my damn clothes line that’s been sitting in my mudroom for weeks! Maybe tomorrow I’ll post pictures, something fun. ;)

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