Well, I don’t really know who I’m introducing, but he or she is the reason for my being so quiet on here. We have all been settling into our new routine with the start of school, but a large part of that has been me settling into the new routine with this little interloper.
What that really has amounted to is a lot of napping, reading, and watching movies while the boys are at school. Why? Well, frankly, because I can, and because this little belly monster is sapping nearly every bit of energy I have – and the remaining bits are going toward housework and laundry and running errands. I think often of sitting down and blogging, but then the couch calls my name, and who am I to ignore it?
Pregnancy isn’t something I was always convinced I’d be doing again. After Danny was born, to be honest, I was so scared and shaken and overwhelmed that a large part of me was fully convinced that there would not be any more children in our house. But then, at the time, I was being warned that Danny could easily be…well…much worse off than he is. And even then, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying I wasn’t quite sure we were done – I just thought I wanted us to be.
3 years later, here we are.
In full honesty, it’s not always easy. There are times I wonder what on earth we’re getting ourselves into. There are times I’m a little bit terrified that something might happen to this little one as well. People talk often of the fear and worry that goes into pregnancy after loss; I don’t think a lot of people talk about the fear and worry that goes into pregnancy after a special needs baby. In my case at least – maybe because Nat losing Devin is so completely woven into the tapestry of Danny’s life, since their pregnancies and births were so close to each other – it feels the same in many ways. I’m jumpy. I think and worry about losing this baby like I never did with my other pregnancies. I ask myself the “what if” questions: what if the baby has this disability or that, is premature, is lost entirely.
And then there’s the added layer of worry: will I be able to adequately meet all of Danny’s needs and still properly care for this baby?
Getting past all of that, though, I’m excited. We’re excited. These are all the smaller thoughts in my head, and while they come at me at times, they are not at all overwhelming. I’m actually quite calm and collected about this pregnancy compared to where I thought I might be! I have no reason to think this little one will have any problems, and so far the pregnancy is going quite well. Though I fret and worry sometimes, I have no doubt that John and I can take great care of our three kids, and I know they’ll all be just fine.
And we have a few months to get ready yet – the little one isn’t due until March, after all! That leaves a lot of time for me to plan and daydream, to worry and wonder, to resist buying adorable outfits for the child whose sex we don’t know yet. Yeah, I’m already wanting to shop… If that doesn’t show I’m excited, nothing will!
For the sake of record keeping, because I’ve found I did a woefully inadequate job of that with Danny’s pregnancy, I’ve had 2 appointments so far, one to do bloodwork (which all came back clear) and one for an ultrasound (which showed a very energetic, healthy little baby in there). The heartbeat is measuring 171bpm at 11 weeks, and baby is about 2 inches long. It was too early to tell whether it’s a boy or a girl, of course; we’ll do that around the end of October.