November 5th, 2011 by

A New Kind of Dream

Over the years, I’ve had many dreams about our journey, none of them happy. Most of these dreams have involved another miscarriage. Usually, in the rare dream in which we successfully carry to term, the babe is diagnosed with histio shortly after birth. The dream I had a few nights ago was different.

I dreamed that I was very pregnant, only I wasn’t showing. In my dream, my water broke, but I wasn’t really contracting. The hospital was very okay with me having a natural birth. Despite my water breaking, they sent me home to wait.

At one point, while waiting to go into active labor, we were at a store. I was sitting down to rub my belly during a mild contraction. A teacher from one of my schools saw this and asked me if I was pregnant. Beaming, I told her “yes.” She then asked me how far along I was. Only, because I wasn’t showing, she wouldn’t believe me when I told her I was already full term, that my water had broken, and that I was contracting.

Also, in the dream I was telling both Chris and the doctors to just take the baby already. I was terrified at the thought of an infection now that the baby didn’t have any amniotic fluid to protect it. I know that this bit stems from losing my brother this way. I kept saying, “This baby will not die like Donald Nicholas did!” I think this is the only situation in which I would opt for (and possibly demand) a c-section. Those who know me know that I am (and always have been) very pro-natural birth.

Anyway, I can’t quite figure out what was up with me being pregnant and not showing. Maybe it has something to do with our plans to adopt. All I know is I was thrilled to have a dream where the baby was both alive and healthy. Perhaps this is a sign that my subconscious is finally starting to heal.

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