First, we had our final follow-up a few weeks ago. I’m healing just fine. I still get some occasional pain but that’s from the scar tissue and is getting much less frequent.
At the follow-up, I asked a question I’ve wondered about for quite a while. With my pregnancy history, will I be considered high risk? The answer was an amazing NO. I can’t express how happy this makes us (me). I have always wanted a natural birth. No induction, no drugs, and certainly no section. In today’s society, it’s hard to achieve this in a hospital setting. It’s much more convenient for the doctors and hospital to intervene. Doctors don’t want to wait around on baby. Hospitals make more money when they intervene.
I have known for quite some time that I want a homebirth. However, with my pregnancy history, I was worried that I would not be able to find a midwife to take me on. Now that I know I will not be considered high-risk, this seems like a much more realistic goal (assuming we ever get a pregnancy that sticks).
Now for the emotional update. Like any grieving person, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good hours and bad hours. It really is an hour by hour thing. I find that reminders are everywhere. One day I’ll be fine seeing/hearing something and the next, it brings unbearable pain.
I also find that, even ten weeks later, I still have a hard time accepting that we have six babies in Heaven. Twins really threw me for a loop. Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve lost six, it just doesn’t seem real.
Surprisingly our reactions to this loss has been very different. In the past, Chris has always been ready to go right away. He’s always been ready to try again, to move forward. Me it has varied. Some losses I couldn’t stand the thought of trying ever again and others I was ready right away. This time, though, I can’t make up my mind. I went from being indifferent, to “let’s do it!”, to I don’t ever want to be pregnant again. However, I still feel the need to get a baby in my home ASAP. I want to push forward and foster/adopt as soon as humanly possible. Chris feels he needs more time. He had more time and dr appointments to get excited. Not only did he have his hopes crushed, he had to spend a good 9-10 hours terrified that he’d lose me too. (The thought of me dying never crossed my mind until days after the surgery. I was too focused on the babies…I guess a mother’s love does that.) I completely understand this; it’s just frustrating being at two very different places right now.
So, where does that leave us? At the moment, I’m not overly sure. The next round of PRIDE classes starts in 6ish weeks. Chris and I have yet to really discuss whether or not we will attend them. I want to, I’m ready, but he’s not. Maybe he will be in six weeks, who knows.
We are however, amping up our efforts in fundraising. I have to feel like I’m doing *something* right now. We have started an Etsy shop with donations from friends. It is very small right now, but we have three people working on items they’ll be sending us soon.
We are also starting to gather items for our “community sale.” I’ve been calling it that, but really, I’m going to be setting up at the flea market. We have stuff from our house along with stuff from four people so far! Our goal is to acquire enough to make it through the summer and still be able to set up at the Rt. 11 crawl in August.
We have a couple other fundraisers in mind as well, but don’t want to have too many going at once. A puzzle fundraiser will be started in the coming months though!
I think that about covers it all. Between going back to work and fundraising, I just haven’t been able to update sooner. I’ll be back to update soon as things get under way!