Last week on Tuesday, we got an inquiry from our adoption agency. They were going to start working with a law firm in another state. It was our choice whether or not this law firm would have access to our profile. We were forewarned that adoptions in this state can cost upwards of $40k. (Compared to $20-26k in Wisconsin). This law firm had birthmothers waiting to be matched and no waiting adoptive families.
After discussing the situation, Tony and I decided to have our information provided to the law firm. If something came of it, we would talk about what to do then. It couldn’t hurt to have more exposure.
Less than 24 hours later, we got the phone call that we have been waiting 6 months… 1 year… 2 years… all our lives for. And it’s true. Nothing at all can prepare you for that moment. Our agency was sending us information about a birthmother from the law firm who was due in July with a baby girl. There were some health concerns that we needed to look at. We were asked to respond if we were interested in 48 hours.
First I think we were in shock. Tony was in an airport, I was at work and all we wanted to do was see each other and talk about what this could mean. He didn’t get home until after I was asleep, so the next morning was the first time we were able to talk about it. We ended up coming up with a lot of questions, we called our social worker and she gave us as much information as she could. I had to go to work, so Tony called the law firm to ask the questions that we still needed answered.
It was a whirlwind of what-if and how are we going to make this work? It was 2x what we had expected to pay for an adoption. We could make it work, but what would we sacrifice? The list was long… we wouldn’t be able to move out of our house for quite some time, if the birthmother changed her mind, there could be a financial loss that we may never recover from… that would mean we wouldn’t be able to start the adoption process again for several years. If we spent that much on this adoption, the odds were that we would not adopt again. Our dreams of a bigger family wouldn’t happen. But… what price do you put on a life? What if this was our baby? We SAW the sonograms… we SAW what this little girl’s mom, dad and brother looked like. He was only 19 months old and one of the cutest kids I’ve ever seen! She was being handed to us… but at what cost?
That is the worst thing about adoption by far. So much is dependent on how much you can spend. The cost is so enormous, some people have lost literally everything in the hopes of having a child.
It kills me to say this now as much as it killed me two days ago. The tears are still fresh and I still choke up a little when I think of the pictures of her family and dream of the little girl that could have been ours. But we had to say no. I’ve always had a hard time telling people no… and this was an exceptionally difficult moment.
We have taken our profile out of the law firm’s pool because of the expense in that state. We have changed a few things in our profile here to open up the pool of potential matches we will have here. We’re still hopeful of a match soon… but I can wait a while. The sting of saying no is still very fresh and I don’t know if I can handle another roller coaster right at this moment.
We learned a lot from this experience. I learned more about myself and how I really was able to step back and look at the situation in a very real way. I was way less “baby-crazy” that I thought I would be when we got matched. It still hurts though.
We appreciate all of the support from our parents during this time. We hope extended family and friends understand why we didn’t pick up the phone or get on Facebook and tell the world! Trust us, there are so many of you that we wanted to call to tell about the potential situation. But in the end, the match process has become something very private for us. One, because we want to make the best decision for us without a thousand opinions coming at us and two, if something doesn’t work out, it’s something that we want to hurt as few hearts as possible.
“It was quite the ride… there were ups and downs, zigs and zags, a few days later when I thought I’d had enough of the roller coaster. I was ready to get off completely and ride the much safer merry-go-round. I looked back, changed my mind, threw my hands in the air and screamed, ‘Let’s do that again!’” ~Me