July 5th, 2012 by

Trust is Hard

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly this child grows and learns! He has been discovering how to use his hands, and I can just sit and watch as he stares intently, then works so hard to open those tiny fingers just at the right time. He is getting it down, and has discovered the joys of bringing stuff to his mouth – nom nom – as well as grabbing stuff he shouldn’t, like plates on the table. He is so pleased, though, giving these little squawks and squeals and noises that also amaze me.

But I have to work to trust it all. I have this urge to compare him to other babies, and to check and obsess constantly with milestone lists and charts. Is he keeping up? Is he slipping behind? Should he be doing this or that?

I know it’s no use comparing, all babies go at different rates, but after having to work so hard with Danny and watching him slip further and further behind, it’s hard.

Breastfeeding has been much the same. I hear so many stories of women worrying about their supply. Is baby getting enough? Will it change? Is it the right mix of types of milk? So many stop in the first couple of months because it’s so hard to trust. Having been a formula mom, I get it. In many cases, formula is the right mix automatically – you don’t need to worry whether you’re eating the right foods, whether you have an imbalance of foremilk and hindmilk, whether something is messing with baby’s system. You can measure exactly how much baby is drinking, so you know when the growth spurts hit, when baby is eating less and might be sick. Breastfeeding, you just have to trust.

When they are so tiny and precious, trust is hard. You want to KNOW.

I’m past those rocky early months now, but the thought still crosses my mind sometimes – is my milk still good, still right? Just like development, I force myself to trust…but it takes effort.

He is doing awesome, though – growing fast, developing steadily – and that makes it easier. It’s my job, after all, to trust him too. He’ll let me know if something is wrong. Until then, I just want to sit here and enjoy every little step along the way.

Now I only he would get out of this 3 month growth spurt so I could be awake to enjoy it!

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