I want to start by saying thank you to all who follow our blog. When I first started it over a year and a half ago, I thought it would be so easy to keep up and share all of our news. The emotional journey to adoption has proven extremely hard. The choices of what to share when and with whom have been harder. Despite that, I hope people will continue to share my posts to spread the word about adoption. I hope to help other adoptive parents understand that there are others out there in the same situation as you… you are not alone.
We have had a lot happen in the past few years. I find myself receiving information about possible situations and not even reacting. It’s almost a post-trauma-like response. I have put a high guard up in regards to what I let into my innermost feelings. The “feeling something” doesn’t set in until we’re a few days into a situation. One has to understand that there are days when we receive information about possible situations via email, and to get excited for an instant when you see who it’s from only to open it and find out that it’s nothing even remotely close to something that would work for your family, whether it’s financial or otherwise, can get exhausting. But to be completely honest… you do see a glimmer of hope with each of those emails… but the expectation, for me, has become less and less. As I said, I guard.
We’ve had two situations come to our attention in the past two weeks. One that I feel we got particularly involved in before discovering that the finances were just not going to work (an inexplicably long story), and another that the birthmother decided to try parenting.
While I know and continue to have faith that everything happens for a reason, I am exhausted by the highs and lows; the excitement and the tears; the wanting to shout from the rooftops that you may have found your child, and holding back the tears when you realize that, yet again, you have not been chosen or the situation was just not the right one.
One thing remains, I have faith. Faith and fear cannot coexist.
Could I have a magic crystal ball please? Seems like that might get me through a little easier… ;)