Last year I decided that I should pick a girl Cora’s would-be age and get a gift for her in memory of Cora, so I could feel like I was buying a present for her. Of course, by the time I decided that it was too close to Christmas and the trees weren’t available any more.
And this year, I can’t FIND one. Maybe they’re waiting until December to put them out?
Anyway, our church Christmas party is tomorrow, and they’re doing a toy drive for The Action Center, so I decided I could buy a toy for Cora and donate it there.
Standing in the toy aisle I started to cry. NONE of the toys seemed right, or good enough. After staring at it all, I realized it was because I wanted to buy a toy for Cora, not for someone else in memory of Cora. So I settled on something, left sad because in the end, I was robbed of the chance to buy Christmas gifts for my child. I was left forever wondering what she would want for Christmas. And it hurts.