May 3rd, 2013 by Brittanie

"Hopefully" (pregnancy mentioned)

So, I have become pregnant again.  It wasn’t planned, but I’m excited…most of the time.  When I’m not terrified.

I have such a hard time talking about pregnancy with people.  I’ll only be 6 weeks on Monday, but since I get so very sick, I don’t even try to keep it a secret.  And of course, pregnancy means people want to talk about babies.

They don’t understand what torture that is for me.

They don’t understand that every plan of after birth is prefaced by a “Hopefully.”

Hopefully, when the baby gets here….

I’ll be nursing this baby. Hopefully.

Erin’s going to love helping with the baby. Hopefully. If all goes well.  If my baby doesn’t die sometime between now and then.

Sometimes it accidentally slips out, and I get one of two reactions: That terrible pity that I hate, because it seems they think I’ve become some horrible, wounded, terrifying creature that is disfigured beyond recognition.  Or I get brushed off because I’m being morbid.  I’m worrying too much.  I’m “stuck” in my grief and I need therapy at best, medication at worst.

When those are extremes versions of what I really am.  I have been wounded, and sometimes the scars are visible.  But I’m still me.  I’m still breathing.  I’m still a beautiful being of worth.  I am not defined by my loss.  But I am also still grieving. And grief is not a disease.  It is not something that one “gets over” in a specified amount of time.  It doesn’t mean I am not capable of feeling joy.

I am just different than I was.  Cora’s death was my chrysalis.  I’m not sure when it happened, but I have emerged into a beautiful butterfly.

2 Responses to “"Hopefully" (pregnancy mentioned)”

  1. Allison Allison says:

    That was very beautiful! Made me realize that’s how I have been feeling. I still can enjoy and find happiness but I always feel a bit of sadness, that makes me happy because I know its because I loved so much and hurt so bad. Very beautiful

  2. Marina Marina says:

    Yes, yes, thats it…. Sigh.
    My son was also born 38+1. He passed @ 27 hours. Never got to hold him…
    Now Im here in the limbo of trying to get pregnant again.
    Sigh.

Leave a Reply