Shortly after Cora died, I felt like everything I saw around me symbolized her. We were very very poor, and I could imagine myself up to my ears in pictures in figurines if I bought every one. So I made a promise to myself, that I would buy things when, and only when, something really and truly whispered to me. So, I have a few things. It just so happens I find more things around Christmas, and maybe that’s because it’s such a sentimental time. I had managed to get something for her every Christmas until last year. I just didn’t see anything that spoke to me. And I accepted that. If limiting myself from buying too many things is okay, I need to accept the opposite as well.
But when it was happening again this year, it did upset me. I have an ornament for everyone in our family already. I love walking through the Christmas stuff, and I love decorating, but it just made me so sad. Maybe because we’re yet another house further removed, and I’m just not feeling her here as much yet (we haven’t gotten her shelf up yet, I only located the shelf last night). I guess I needed that connection or something.
So I was just wandering at Target, when I saw this ornament. A single, ceramic white feather. It was almost electric, my fingers went tingly. One of my original baby loss mother friends (I can’t for the life of me remember who), mentioned that when she saw lone feathers floating around it made her think of her baby. It felt like her telling me she was still there, and I really needed that.