About our blogger: Augie
I am a 26 year old substitute teacher in the gorgeous Shenandoah Valley. I have my Associates Degree in Education and would love to go back to school at some point.
My husband and I have been together four and a half years. In that time we have had four miscarriages. We are currently trying to conceive with medical assistance in hopes of bringing home #1 soon.
The last month and a half have been hard grief-wise. The twins were due August 19th. When you consider my family history of premature births and the fact that twins are often early anyway, it’s pretty safe to say I’d have two babies that were more than a month old already.
Reminders seem to be everywhere. My sister-in-law was due 12 days before me. She had her little one three weeks ago today. I also have several friends that have had babies in the last 3 weeks. While I love my niece (and my friend’s kids), it is going to be extremely tough as all these babies start reaching milestones and reminding me of what Kat and Sam should be learning to do at that point.
Speaking of reminders, owls. I can’t go ANYWHERE without seeing an owl. When I first found out that I was pregnant a fifth-time, I joined a due-date-club (DDC). The DDC referred to the babies as their “Owlets” until they found out genders. Every owl thing I see is a reminder that I should have two owlets. The most recent “owl sighting” was at the Renaissance Faire.
Chris and I have gone to the Faire every single year since we met. (We even got married there!) Yesterday was our trip for the season. It was harder than I expected. Never with any of the other lost pregnancies did I feel a sense of grief and longing while there. I think it was because the twins were due so close to the opening of Faire that it was one of my early thoughts in pregnancy. I looked forward to taking two tiny babies with us. It didn’t help that I spotted newborn twins there which just served as an “in your face” moment.
Lastly, school. School starts tomorrow. With school starting I got to thinking about how things would be if we had all six babies alive and well. (Now of course I know that never would have happened. We wouldn’t have had Gwen so soon after Dominic. Wouldn’t have tried for Jill if we had two/three already. Never would have had five pregnancies before a vasectomy.) Anyway, if we had all 6 here: Dominic would be homeschooling for Kindergarten this year. I’d be trying to get Gwen to do Kinder too since there was only 9 months between their due dates. If Aiden was at all interested, he’d be doing preschool at home. Jill might possibly be potty-training at 22 months old. And we’d have two newborns. INSANE!
Trying to Conceive
Since losing the twins I haven’t been at all willing to even consider trying. The whole experience was so traumatizing. The recovery, so horrible. The mere thought of Read the rest of this entry »
I could get used to this. We will be ready to accept kids within a couple of weeks. We hit quite a snag with our before/after school person backing out on us be after a lot of panic and phone calls, we’ve worked it out. Or at least, we think we have. There might be a slight problem in the afternoons but it’ll work out.
We have one more class on Saturday and background checks for family that has agreed to watch the kids if we need and that’s it! The room is almost ready. We have the bunk bed built, have the mattresses paid for (pick them up tomorrow), have the bedding purchased…We have even started buying some school supplies–something I thought I’d never get to do.
We have a list of kids we’re going to inquire about for adoption too. Our plan is to adopt one and foster another. I’m so excited.
I don’t think words can fully describe how I’m feeling. In a way, it hasn’t even set in yet. Despite, the social worker telling me, nothing will stop it at this point, I still feel anxious and reserved. We’ve gotten out hopes up so many times, only to have them dashed. Once again our hopes are up and I’m terrified something will happen to cause it all to come crashing down around us.
It’s amazing the little things that can set off grief. I guess I’ve always known that this was the case – I guess I just forgot. Nevertheless, it always catches me by surprise.
The most recent was watching Father of the Bride. The scene where Nina (mom) learns of Annie’s (daughter) engagement. In this scene, Nina is smiling and crying as she cusps Annie’s face. Kinda like this:
This picture was taken as right as mom learned about the twins. My heart breaks even more knowing the pain she (and so many others) experienced with the loss of our precious babies. I know it’s not my fault, and that nothing could’ve been done, but yet I feel guilty. I loved sharing my babies with everyone for those few days, but I feel like an ass for dashing their hopes.
As I always do after a loss, I’ve been questioning whether or not I want to risk going through another miscarriage. A good friend and I were talking about it last night, and I think I’ve decided.
I probably will risk it again. Chris really wants a living (biological) child, and it wouldn’t be very fair of me to flat out refuse that option. I couldn’t ask him to get snipped knowing how badly he wants a child, and I’m never doing hormonal birth control again.
The losses are hard on me, yes, but they’re hard on him too. After all he’s done for me, I can’t not take his feelings into consideration. Are his feelings more important? No. But, likewise, mine don’t outweigh his either. I have no right to take away his chance at a biological child.
That being said, I will continue to try (or at least not prevent) for a while still. Since I lost my left fallopian tube with this pregnancy, the risk of another ectopic is just the same as everyone else’s risk. At this point, the risk is the same as it was before we conceived the twins.
Just a quick update to say we are home. It’s been a rough adjustment. Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I capable of doing much of anything. I still need a great deal of help for even the smallest things. Chris took the whole week off of work to help me, and I am so glad. If he hadn’t, we would’ve had to have a family member or friend come stay with me. It’s super-painful to even lean forward to pick up a drink. A lot of times I find that I need help just to transition between sitting and standing.
This past Tuesday evening, I began to have a little pain in my side. I immediately thought about calling the on call doctor but decided that I was probably overreacting, so I chose to wait until my already scheduled appointment.
On Wednesday at the appointment, we received some bad news. The baby had already passed. The tech did make sure to look at the tube, but there was nothing to be seen.
Thursday evening, the pain came back with a vengeance. By 4am Friday morning, I was nauseated and in tears from the pain. I woke Chris up, and we headed to the ER. In the ER, they found something in the tube but couldn’t be sure about what it was they were seeing. Obviously, they were concerned about it being a baby. However, the area didn’t have an increased blood flow like a baby would have. It was decided that I would go home on the promise that I come back to the ER if it got worse, and I would return Saturday (no matter what) for repeat tests.
The pain subsided greatly, but apparently things had gotten much worse. I ended up being admitted pretty quickly. By 7:30 that evening, I was in the OR for emergency surgery. We were pregnant with twins in a rare heterotopic pregnancy. My left fallopian tube was bleeding out in several places. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to save my tube. Because the baby implanted so close to the uterus, the doctor also had to take a small corner of the uterus that was damaged.
Recovery from surgery got off to a rough start (thanks to being allergic to Delaudid and a nurse that didn’t notice that). Yesterday’s day nurse caught it pretty much right away, and things went MUCH better after that.
As of right now, we’re unsure of when we’ll get to go home. Maybe this evening, maybe tomorrow.
Pregnancy number 5 has begun! Once again, I’ll do a Q&A style blog again. If there’s anything I’ve left out that you want to know, feel free to ask.
When did you find out? We found out a week ago today.
How far along are you? 6 weeks 1 day today
When are you due? August 19, 2012
How big is the baby currently? Baby is a size of a lentil.
How are you feeling? Tired! I can’t get enough sleep. I’ve had some nausea but nothing too awful.
What was your first symptoms? Fatigue and a “cold.” I have gotten a “cold” with every pregnancy.
Have you been to the doctor? Just for blood work. Tomorrow is my third lab appointment.
Were you trying? Not really. We weren’t preventing either.
How did you tell? When I first saw the test, I called Chris at work and just said “Congrats Daddy” when he answered.
For my family, my niece helped me make a shirt that she wore on Christmas morning. It said “I’m gonna be a BIG cousin!!” It took a few minutes for them to read it, but once they did, they were ecstatic and bawling.
For his family, we used cookies. We used sugar cookies to write out “C + A = 3″ and “8-19-12″ below that. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law got it pretty quickly. His dad needed a little help.
Are you excited, scared, or both? Very excited. A little scared. I’m mostly excited but waves of fear definitely surface!
Over the years, I’ve had many dreams about our journey, none of them happy. Most of these dreams have involved another miscarriage. Usually, in the rare dream in which we successfully carry to term, the babe is diagnosed with histio shortly after birth. The dream I had a few nights ago was different.
I dreamed that I was very pregnant, only I wasn’t showing. In my dream, my water broke, but I wasn’t really contracting. The hospital was very okay with me having a natural birth. Despite my water breaking, they sent me home to wait.
At one point, while waiting to go into active labor, we were at a store. I was sitting down to rub my belly during a mild contraction. A teacher from one of my schools saw this and asked me if I was pregnant. Beaming, I told her “yes.” She then asked me how far along I was. Only, because I wasn’t showing, she wouldn’t believe me when I told her I was already full term, that my water had broken, and that I was contracting.
Also, in the dream I was telling both Chris and the doctors to just take the baby already. I was terrified at the thought of an infection now that the baby didn’t have any amniotic fluid to protect it. I know that this bit stems from losing my brother this way. I kept saying, “This baby will not die like Donald Nicholas did!” I think this is the only situation in which I would opt for (and possibly demand) a c-section. Those who know me know that I am (and always have been) very pro-natural birth.
Anyway, I can’t quite figure out what was up with me being pregnant and not showing. Maybe it has something to do with our plans to adopt. All I know is I was thrilled to have a dream where the baby was both alive and healthy. Perhaps this is a sign that my subconscious is finally starting to heal.
It’s back-to-school time. That means sales and post galore of the first day of school. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is a preschooler going to school for the first time. It hurts. Dominic should be starting homeschool preschool this year. (Well, technically if he wanted to we could have started last year, but this year we’d be doing it no matter what).
I want to homeschool so bad! It’s probably the thing I look forward to most…and yet, I’m forced to wait another several years before I can do so. I want to be at a park right now, or at the table working. I want to be trying to get Gwen, Aiden, and Jill to let Dominic work. (Even if that means they all have to nap!)
I want to be planning lessons and brainstorming. I want to know his learning style and be looking at Kindergarten curricula. I want to know if Gwen would decide she wants to do it with her big brother and doesn’t want to wait a year.
I hate having to imagine what it would be like. I should KNOW. =(