Augie

About our blogger: Augie

I am a 26 year old substitute teacher in the gorgeous Shenandoah Valley. I have my Associates Degree in Education and would love to go back to school at some point.

My husband and I have been together four and a half years. In that time we have had four miscarriages. We are currently trying to conceive with medical assistance in hopes of bringing home #1 soon.

Visit Augie @ http://www.augiesjourney.blogspot.com/

Posts by Augie:

March 15th, 2012

BIG update

First, we had our final follow-up a few weeks ago. I’m healing just fine. I still get some occasional pain but that’s from the scar tissue and is getting much less frequent.

At the follow-up, I asked a question I’ve wondered about for quite a while. With my pregnancy history, will I be considered high risk? The answer was an amazing NO. I can’t express how happy this makes us (me). I have always wanted a natural birth. No induction, no drugs, and certainly no section. In today’s society, it’s hard to achieve this in a hospital setting. It’s much more convenient for the doctors and hospital to intervene. Doctors don’t want to wait around on baby. Hospitals make more money when they intervene.

I have known for quite some time that I want a homebirth. However, with my pregnancy history, I was worried that I would not be able to find a midwife to take me on. Now that I know I will not be considered high-risk, this seems like a much more realistic goal (assuming we ever get a pregnancy that sticks). :)

Now for the emotional update. Like any grieving person, I have good days and bad days. Or rather, good hours and bad hours. It really is an hour by hour thing. I find that reminders are everywhere. One day I’ll be fine seeing/hearing something and the next, it brings unbearable pain.

I also find that, even ten weeks later, I still have a hard time Read the rest of this entry »

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February 24th, 2012

Little things

It’s amazing the little things that can set off grief. I guess I’ve always known that this was the case - I guess I just forgot. Nevertheless, it always catches me by surprise.

The most recent was watching Father of the Bride. The scene where Nina (mom) learns of Annie’s (daughter) engagement. In this scene, Nina is smiling and crying as she cusps Annie’s face. Kinda like this:

This picture was taken as right as mom learned about the twins. My heart breaks even more knowing the pain she (and so many others) experienced with the loss of our precious babies. I know it’s not my fault, and that nothing could’ve been done, but yet I feel guilty. I loved sharing my babies with everyone for those few days, but I feel like an ass for dashing their hopes. :(

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January 19th, 2012

To try again, or not to try again?

As I always do after a loss, I’ve been questioning whether or not I want to risk going through another miscarriage. A good friend and I were talking about it last night, and I think I’ve decided.

I probably will risk it again. Chris really wants a living (biological) child, and it wouldn’t be very fair of me to flat out refuse that option. I couldn’t ask him to get snipped knowing how badly he wants a child, and I’m never doing hormonal birth control again.

The losses are hard on me, yes, but they’re hard on him too. After all he’s done for me, I can’t not take his feelings into consideration. Are his feelings more important? No. But, likewise, mine don’t outweigh his either. I have no right to take away his chance at a biological child.

That being said, I will continue to try (or at least not prevent) for a while still. Since I lost my left fallopian tube with this pregnancy, the risk of another ectopic is just the same as everyone else’s risk. At this point, the risk is the same as it was before we conceived the twins.

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January 7th, 2012

Home

Just a quick update to say we are home. It’s been a rough adjustment. Just because I’m home doesn’t mean I capable of doing much of anything. I still need a great deal of help for even the smallest things. Chris took the whole week off of work to help me, and I am so glad. If he hadn’t, we would’ve had to have a family member or friend come stay with me. It’s super-painful to even lean forward to pick up a drink. A lot of times I find that I need help just to transition between sitting and standing.

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January 5th, 2012

In the hospital

This past Tuesday evening, I began to have a little pain in my side. I immediately thought about calling the on call doctor but decided that I was probably overreacting, so I chose to wait until my already scheduled appointment.

On Wednesday at the appointment, we received some bad news. The baby had already passed. The tech did make sure to look at the tube, but there was nothing to be seen.

Thursday evening, the pain came back with a vengeance. By 4am Friday morning, I was nauseated and in tears from the pain. I woke Chris up, and we headed to the ER. In the ER, they found something in the tube but couldn’t be sure about what it was they were seeing. Obviously, they were concerned about it being a baby. However, the area didn’t have an increased blood flow like a baby would have. It was decided that I would go home on the promise that I come back to the ER if it got worse, and I would return Saturday (no matter what) for repeat tests.

The pain subsided greatly, but apparently things had gotten much worse. I ended up being admitted pretty quickly. By 7:30 that evening, I was in the OR for emergency surgery. We were pregnant with twins in a rare heterotopic pregnancy. My left fallopian tube was bleeding out in several places. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to save my tube. Because the baby implanted so close to the uterus, the doctor also had to take a small corner of the uterus that was damaged.

Recovery from surgery got off to a rough start (thanks to being allergic to Delaudid and a nurse that didn’t notice that). Yesterday’s day nurse caught it pretty much right away, and things went MUCH better after that.

As of right now, we’re unsure of when we’ll get to go home. Maybe this evening, maybe tomorrow.

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December 29th, 2011

We have news!

Pregnancy number 5 has begun! Once again, I’ll do a Q&A style blog again. If there’s anything I’ve left out that you want to know, feel free to ask.

When did you find out? We found out a week ago today.

How far along are you? 6 weeks 1 day today

When are you due? August 19, 2012

How big is the baby currently? Baby is a size of a lentil. :)

How are you feeling? Tired! I can’t get enough sleep. I’ve had some nausea but nothing too awful.

What was your first symptoms? Fatigue and a “cold.” I have gotten a “cold” with every pregnancy.

Have you been to the doctor? Just for blood work. Tomorrow is my third lab appointment.

Were you trying? Not really. We weren’t preventing either.

How did you tell? When I first saw the test, I called Chris at work and just said “Congrats Daddy” when he answered.

For my family, my niece helped me make a shirt that she wore on Christmas morning. It said “I’m gonna be a BIG cousin!!” It took a few minutes for them to read it, but once they did, they were ecstatic and bawling. :)

For his family, we used cookies. We used sugar cookies to write out “C + A = 3″ and “8-19-12″ below that. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law got it pretty quickly. His dad needed a little help.

Are you excited, scared, or both? Very excited. A little scared. I’m mostly excited but waves of fear definitely surface!

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November 5th, 2011

A New Kind of Dream

Over the years, I’ve had many dreams about our journey, none of them happy. Most of these dreams have involved another miscarriage. Usually, in the rare dream in which we successfully carry to term, the babe is diagnosed with histio shortly after birth. The dream I had a few nights ago was different.

I dreamed that I was very pregnant, only I wasn’t showing. In my dream, my water broke, but I wasn’t really contracting. The hospital was very okay with me having a natural birth. Despite my water breaking, they sent me home to wait.

At one point, while waiting to go into active labor, we were at a store. I was sitting down to rub my belly during a mild contraction. A teacher from one of my schools saw this and asked me if I was pregnant. Beaming, I told her “yes.” She then asked me how far along I was. Only, because I wasn’t showing, she wouldn’t believe me when I told her I was already full term, that my water had broken, and that I was contracting.

Also, in the dream I was telling both Chris and the doctors to just take the baby already. I was terrified at the thought of an infection now that the baby didn’t have any amniotic fluid to protect it. I know that this bit stems from losing my brother this way. I kept saying, “This baby will not die like Donald Nicholas did!” I think this is the only situation in which I would opt for (and possibly demand) a c-section. Those who know me know that I am (and always have been) very pro-natural birth.

Anyway, I can’t quite figure out what was up with me being pregnant and not showing. Maybe it has something to do with our plans to adopt. All I know is I was thrilled to have a dream where the baby was both alive and healthy. Perhaps this is a sign that my subconscious is finally starting to heal.

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August 18th, 2011

Broken Heart; Empty Arms

It’s back-to-school time. That means sales and post galore of the first day of school. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is a preschooler going to school for the first time. It hurts. Dominic should be starting homeschool preschool this year. (Well, technically if he wanted to we could have started last year, but this year we’d be doing it no matter what).

I want to homeschool so bad! It’s probably the thing I look forward to most…and yet, I’m forced to wait another several years before I can do so. I want to be at a park right now, or at the table working. I want to be trying to get Gwen, Aiden, and Jill to let Dominic work. (Even if that means they all have to nap!)

I want to be planning lessons and brainstorming. I want to know his learning style and be looking at Kindergarten curricula. I want to know if Gwen would decide she wants to do it with her big brother and doesn’t want to wait a year.

I hate having to imagine what it would be like. I should KNOW. =(

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July 15th, 2011

Failed Adoption

I contacted a woman regarding adoption a couple of weeks ago, and at first it seemed perfect. There were some red flags from the beginning, but given her situation, we decided to take the wait and see approach. However, as time went on, we became more and more uncomfortable with the situation. In fact, in her last email to me, she admitted that the paternal grandmother may try (and succeed) to convince the father not to sign TPR. That combined with many other issues was just too much.

We’ve been hurt so many times. I can’t keep this going and have it fall through in Dec/Jan. (She is due Jan 13th, but with it being twins, chances are they’d come before that.)

I had a breakdown today. The emotions completely blindsided me. It’s like I got pregnant four times only to be told “Psyche! Just kidding. You can’t have them.” Then go on to adopt twins only to be laughed at again. Oh, and let’s not forget the time we tried to adopt my nephew, only to have that fall through…and the teen that was considering adoption only to miscarry. I feel like I’m some cosmic joke…like I’m just a toy for God and the angels or something.

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July 12th, 2011

Scare of my Life!

Okay, so this is a bit late, but I still wanted to post it.

On my way home from babysitting last Wednesday, I got a call from my husband warning me about an accident. He told me, “There is no way around it, but make sure you’re in the left lane, because a car is on it’s side in the right lane. The tow truck is here now.” Sure enough, I got stuck waiting. While waiting, SEVEN emergency vehicles passed. I thought maybe they were going to the accident I was in traffic for (but of course, with the tow truck there, that really didn’t make sense).

Turns out, there was a second accident on the next road I take home. Immediately, I panicked. The timing was about right for when Chris would’ve been going through there. I did the only thing I could: I imagined the worst and prayed. Prayed that it wasn’t Chris. Prayed for whoever it was that required all 15 emergency vehicles. When an ambulance left, no lights, no sirens, I really panicked. There were way too many emergency vehicles to be no injuries. I didn’t even think minor injuries were possible. In my mind, the person had to be dead. I still didn’t know that this wasn’t Chris though. That freaked me out that much more.

Finally, after an hour of sitting not moving with no cell service (and no courage to get out of the car and ask people on other vehicles if I could use theirs), I stopped the media. With my voice shaking, I asked the question I was terrified of. Did the accident involve a green Corolla?

Oh, the relief! I had barely thanked them when the tears came. Tears of absolute joy. My husband was home safe and sound! As soon as I walked in the door, I told him I loved him and pulled him in a long, tight hug. Then came the second wave of tears. With me unable to speak, he just stood there hugging me and confused.

After I calmed and told him, he told me he had known about the accident and had tried calling me to make sure I was ok. Of course, I didn’t have signal, so it went to voicemail, leaving him worried that I was in the accident. He told me he was just getting ready to come out and look for me to make sure.

It was horrible. I never, ever want to live through that fear again!

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