About our blogger: Augie

I am a 26 year old substitute teacher in the gorgeous Shenandoah Valley. I have my Associates Degree in Education and would love to go back to school at some point.

My husband and I have been together four and a half years. In that time we have had four miscarriages. We are currently trying to conceive with medical assistance in hopes of bringing home #1 soon.

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Posts by Augie:

July 15th, 2011

Failed Adoption

I contacted a woman regarding adoption a couple of weeks ago, and at first it seemed perfect. There were some red flags from the beginning, but given her situation, we decided to take the wait and see approach. However, as time went on, we became more and more uncomfortable with the situation. In fact, in her last email to me, she admitted that the paternal grandmother may try (and succeed) to convince the father not to sign TPR. That combined with many other issues was just too much.

We’ve been hurt so many times. I can’t keep this going and have it fall through in Dec/Jan. (She is due Jan 13th, but with it being twins, chances are they’d come before that.)

I had a breakdown today. The emotions completely blindsided me. It’s like I got pregnant four times only to be told “Psyche! Just kidding. You can’t have them.” Then go on to adopt twins only to be laughed at again. Oh, and let’s not forget the time we tried to adopt my nephew, only to have that fall through…and the teen that was considering adoption only to miscarry. I feel like I’m some cosmic joke…like I’m just a toy for God and the angels or something.


July 12th, 2011

Scare of my Life!

Okay, so this is a bit late, but I still wanted to post it.

On my way home from babysitting last Wednesday, I got a call from my husband warning me about an accident. He told me, “There is no way around it, but make sure you’re in the left lane, because a car is on it’s side in the right lane. The tow truck is here now.” Sure enough, I got stuck waiting. While waiting, SEVEN emergency vehicles passed. I thought maybe they were going to the accident I was in traffic for (but of course, with the tow truck there, that really didn’t make sense).

Turns out, there was a second accident on the next road I take home. Immediately, I panicked. The timing was about right for when Chris would’ve been going through there. I did the only thing I could: I imagined the worst and prayed. Prayed that it wasn’t Chris. Prayed for whoever it was that required all 15 emergency vehicles. When an ambulance left, no lights, no sirens, I really panicked. There were way too many emergency vehicles to be no injuries. I didn’t even think minor injuries were possible. In my mind, the person had to be dead. I still didn’t know that this wasn’t Chris though. That freaked me out that much more.

Finally, after an hour of sitting not moving with no cell service (and no courage to get out of the car and ask people on other vehicles if I could use theirs), I stopped the media. With my voice shaking, I asked the question I was terrified of. Did the accident involve a green Corolla?

Oh, the relief! I had barely thanked them when the tears came. Tears of absolute joy. My husband was home safe and sound! As soon as I walked in the door, I told him I loved him and pulled him in a long, tight hug. Then came the second wave of tears. With me unable to speak, he just stood there hugging me and confused.

After I calmed and told him, he told me he had known about the accident and had tried calling me to make sure I was ok. Of course, I didn’t have signal, so it went to voicemail, leaving him worried that I was in the accident. He told me he was just getting ready to come out and look for me to make sure.

It was horrible. I never, ever want to live through that fear again!

July 5th, 2011

Living with Histiocytosis

By now, it’s no secret that I am very involved with the “Histio Family” in honor of my best friend’s son. As a result of my involvement, I have “met” many warriors.

One such warrior is 9 year old Taylor. She has ND CNS LCH, or Neuro-degenerative Central Nervous System Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. What this means is that the LCH is attacking her central nervous system (think brain and spinal cord) and breaking it down. Because of this, she also has Diabetes Insipidus, or DI. DI occurs when LCH attacks the pituitary gland, causing the body to not be able to absorb water properly. Because of her illness, Taylor will always be on medications. She will always worry about the LCH flaring up again. She is currently receiving chemotherapy, which not only make her ill but also make her very susceptible to other illnesses and infections. While on chemo, she has to worry about the slightest fever. Even a low fever, that you and I might ignore, could mean a hospital admission for Taylor.

When asked if she wanted to share with others about her illnesses, she jumped at the chance. After receiving permission from both Taylor and her mom, I am sharing this, because I think the world needs to hear it.

“My mom asked me if I wanted to try to talk about histiocytosis & tell people my story, & I said yes. I want to tell people about Histiocytosis because, if I tell people I have it, they don’t even know what it is. A lot of times they say that I look fine & don’t look sick, but I don’t always feel fine inside. I know what it feels like to have histiocytosis, & a lot of the time it hurts. I have to have chemotherapy & I get really tired, I get bad mouth sores from chemo & then if I am hungry I can’t eat, I get headaches, my belly hurts, I get a lot of muscle cramps, & I even throw up sometimes. I had to go to the hospital a lot of times, because I got sick with a fever. But the worst part is I can’t do things with my friends or play soccer during chemo week, & sometimes even when I don’t have chemo because I just don’t feel good. Sometimes I am afraid to go to sleep, because I am afraid I am going to die. Dr. V tells me that I am going to be ok, & I really love her for taking care of me. Even when I feel really bad, I always try to keep smiling. I know that everyone worries about me, & when I smile they smile. I know that histio is rare, so that means a lot of people don’t have it, but it doesn’t mean that kids like me with histio don’t matter. I really want to teach everyone about histio & help Dr. V find a cure so that it goes away & never comes back.”

Read the rest of this entry »

June 28th, 2011

Due Dates and adoption

Based on EDD’s (estimated due dates), I should have an almost 4 year old (in Oct), a 3 year old (next week), a 2 year old (in less than a month), and an 8 month old (tomorrow).

I hate July. It’s one of those months that provides a strong reminder of what I’m not allowed to have for whatever reason. I know we’re working toward adoption, ever-so-slowly, but it’s not the same.

Do I doubt that I’ll love the adopted child any less? Not at all. I’ve always wanted to adopt. In fact, I wanted to adopt LONG before I decided I wanted biological children. It’s more the fact of knowing that my genes will never be carried on, nor will my husband’s. I will never create a life that gets to live outside of my womb. I will never feel a baby kick inside me. I won’t feel those first bouts of the hiccups. I’ll never have my water break. There are just so many things you cannot do with an adopted child that you could with a biological child during those first 9 months of the baby’s existence. I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss that.


May 25th, 2011

And it starts!

Within hours of the announcement we had people asking how they could help. A few of those ladies, rather than asking, offered to run a fundraiser for us. The first is now up and running:

Kristin has gracious offered to let this run for 6 weeks and is giving us 100% of her profit from this party. Please take a look and spread the word. After 4 losses and more than a year of infertility, it feels great to be on the road to a baby.

May 16th, 2011

New plan (again)

Hopefully, this will be our last ever ‘new plan.’

Today, we went to an adoption seminar. I won’t bore you with all the details. I will say that Chris and I are both glad we went. There were three attorneys present that spoke about the local laws. Going in, I was nervous that this would either make it seem like it was impossible for us or that it would cause some bickering between us. If you remember from previous posts, we haven’t exactly been on the same page about timing of all this.

Anyways, back to the plan. We’re going to start with making a list of things that we’d like done before a home study. We’ve given ourselves one week to create the list. We’re then taking one week for each item on the list.

Once the list is mostly done, we’ll start looking for an attorney and home study agency. Then, finally, we’ll start networking. :) I’m so excited and relieved to finally be moving forward with something.

May 11th, 2011

Mother’s Day

Since my losses, I dread Mother’s Day each year. As the day approaches I talk to Mom and express my sadness and what-not. Every year, she goes out of her way to do something small in honor of my babies.

This year, however, the week(s) leading up to Mother’s Day was/were a breeze. I knew it was coming, but it wasn’t as nearly as hard as the past several years. As a result, I didn’t talk about it. I didn’t need to. This led to an all-out panic on Saturday night. What if, because I didn’t make it known that I still need/want that recognition no one does anything? What if, because I didn’t mention it to mom, she doesn’t do anything? I tried to tell myself that I’d hold it together, and that it wasn’t her job to do something, and really, I shouldn’t expect it. And I didn’t expect it, really, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t HOPE that she’d do something.

Well, as usual, my worries and freak-out was unwarrented. Within minutes of arriving at Mom’s she sent Niecelet out with a box and a card. In the box was a gorgeous multi-colored pearl set that consisted of a necklace, bracelet, and earrings. Inside the card was a lovely, heartfelt, handwritten note from my sister. Turns out that set was from the baby because I’m her Godmother. Read the rest of this entry »


May 4th, 2011

A Post In Which I Talk About A Bit Of Everything

I know, I know, I’m a bad blogger. Once again it has been way to long. I’ll start off by announcing that our first NTNP (not trying, not preventing) month was a bust. I didn’t track ovulation, but I did start four days early. I’ll see what happens next month and maybe we’ll start tracking again to see what’s going on in there. Yes, old habits die hard. I like the freedom but wish I knew what was going on with my body all the same.

Now, why haven’t I blogged? Frankly, there hasn’t been a lot to say on the topic of this blog. We’re not on meds, not actively trying, and haven’t really started with the adoption stuff. We have been plenty busy and I will give a brief general update but to post as things happen, I think it would take too much from the meaning of this blog.

When I started writing, I was in a difficult spot. We had experienced three losses, were starting testing, and taking the plunge into ttc again. I needed an outlet for those emotions and fears. Now, I don’t need that as much, but I still want this blog’s main focus to be about our journey to parenthood–it just so happens our journey has slowed to a crawl. Read the rest of this entry »

April 4th, 2011

An agreement

Chris and I have reached a ttc/adoption agreement. You see, Chris isn’t ready to be done. He wants to jump into soy if I’m not pregnant. I, on the other hand, am very ready to be done. After four years of losses and infertility, I’m ready to move on.

We talked about it again this morning and have agreed that we will continue to pursue adoption as planned. I have promised to not rule out soy but have asked to at least take a break for an undetermined amount of time.

He doesn’t seem overly happy with the decision but he’s not protesting it either. I need time for me. I need to get away from it all…get rid of the stress. We will not be preventing, but we also will not be actively trying to conceive.

April 1st, 2011

Left behind?

Every few months or so on my RPL support board, we go through a changeover of sorts. It usually consists of a number of members getting pregnant. In my experience, when several conceive at the same time they almost always go on the get their rainbows together. Of course with new babies the members start posting less and less. (And who can blame them?) Occasionally a member will come back with occasional updates or even to rejoin the board as a ray of hope to the remaining ladies.

Usually around the time of the BFP boom we also undergo an influx of new member. This is what is happening now. We’ve had three new members this past week. I can’t help looking at the board and wondering if once again, I’m going to be left behind. I’ve lost count at the number of women that have gotten their rainbow since I joined. Heck, I’ve lost count of the number of women that have gotten more than one rainbow. All the while, I sit back and smile and wish them the best. I am happy for them and am truly glad they are getting their miracles; but it doesn’t change the fact that I want so badly to join them and am still so unsure that I ever will.