About our blogger: Brittanie
Brittanie was married to Matt in June of 2005, and shortly thereafter became pregnant with their first child. Unfortunately Cora Rei was stillborn on May 2, 2006 (38w1d) due to a cord accident. Brittanie has since had two "rainbow babies" (so called because rainbows bring color back in to the world after a storm): Erin Rielle was born June 7, 2007 and Patrick Reese was born February 25, 2009. She is currently a stay-at-home mom, enjoying every moment she has, and trying to see every day as the miracle that it is.
May 9th, 2012
I have often regretted not going to the hospital Cora’s last night, when I was at work and a coworker offered to take my place so I could go in because I told her I felt “off” - especially after looking at the ultrasound from 23 weeks and it becoming painfully obvious that her cord was around her neck then.
I’ve often told myself that “if only I’d known” about her cord placement, I might have gone in, and maybe they would have seen her distress and could have saved her.
But in thinking about it today, the anniversary of the day we confirmed she was no longer living, I realized something. I was thinking about the last movement I remembered, a long stretch into my ribs that prompted me to ask her not to hurt me, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was the last I remembered because it was the last. If that is the case, then even if I had gone to the hospital then, it would have been too late.
This actually gives me peace, even though some might think it would do the opposite. It means that my inaction didn’t alter the outcome.
I still hurt immensely for her. I miss her today of all days, as I relive the trauma of the doctor’s awful words “her heart’s not beating,” and that still image that is seared into my mind. But it gives me some peace.
April 27th, 2012
This week was the 13th anniversary of the Columbine High School massacre. I’ve reflected a lot on that day since moving to Littleton, and even more today, my first anniversary here.
I was a sophomore in high school, and I was sick that day, so I stayed home. I don’t quite remember how the news got turned on, I was probably flipping through channels and saw something, but I watched the whole thing through. I spend the day crying, watching in horror as the terrorized students ran towards the news cameras. I couldn’t understand how someone could commit such senseless violence.
I’ve been taking the kids to Columbine library for almost a year now, many times playing at the park next door. I’d seen signs for the Columbine memorial, but I’d never been over to see it. And I honestly had no clue that the high school was just over the hill.
It was really beautiful. I had no idea it would have that much of an emotional impact on me. The atmosphere was quite reverent as we walked in. Even Erin felt it - she was shushing Patrick. I didn’t know any of those who had been killed, but I it still hurt so much to see. So many lives lost.
Each victim had a plaque with whatever the family felt appropriate to put on it, and one plaque, Rachel Joy Scott’s, had something she had written about a month prior.
“I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, then it will start a chain reaction of the same. People will never know how far a little kindness can go.”
Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all learned to do just that?
Read the rest of this entry »
March 29th, 2012
There’s another angel Cora that is special to me. Her name is Cora McCormick.
Cora died at 5 days old due to an undetected congenital heart defect. Sadly, a very simple test could have detected it and saved Cora’s life. It’s called a pulse oximetry test (the little white plastic thing put on the tip of the finger…SO simple). Cora’s amazing mother has been campaigning trying to get bills in several states to make pulse ox tests for newborns standard and mandatory. And she’s doing an amazing job.
Go read Cora’s story. Then contact your representatives and tell them you support a pulse ox bill to be written or passed in your state.
March 16th, 2012
”If you know someone who has lost a child, and you’re afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died — you’re not reminding them. They didn’t forget they died. What you’re reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift.”–Elizabeth Edwards
February 25th, 2012
We were out eating lunch today, and Erin started talking about sisters. She told me she had one sister, and I explained to her that she actually had two, because Cora was her sister as well as Allison. She knows about Cora, but I guess it just hasn’t registered that she’s her sister too. Anyway, she asked if we could go visit her (which reminded me of the song at the end of this post). I had to explain that you can’t go visit Heaven, it’s just not possible. That made her sad, and with a little pout she said to me “I miss her, Mommy.”
Through the tears I could only answer, “I miss her, too.” *sigh*
January 4th, 2012
I was watching a documentary on King Tut the other day. (”King Tut’s Final Secrets,” if you’re interested. I found it on Netflix.) It was mostly about the CT scan on his mummy, trying to figure out once and for all definitively why he died, but they also mentioned the contents of his tomb. They talked for several minutes about the two mummified babies. For some reason, Howard Carter thought the smaller one was stillborn and the larger died shortly after birth, but you can’t really tell that from the mummies. Both were smaller than a full term baby. Anyway, in talking about this, they described the babies’ deaths as a “terrible tragedy,” and it was so nice (especially in light of comments and controversy around the stillbirth of little Jubilee Duggar) to have it recognized as a tragedy when a baby dies.
They also ended the documentary with a quote, that sums up the reason why I write this blog, the reason why I do things in my daughter’s name:
”To speak the name of the dead is to make him live again. It restores the breath of life to he who is vanished.” ~Egyptian Book of the Dead
December 17th, 2011
New studies show that, amazingly, cells from the fetus stay in the mother’s blood system for decades after that baby’s birth.
The best part? It’s not just full term births, but any pregnancy.
“And, says Carol Artlett, who studies fetal cells at Thomas Jefferson University in Philadelphia, even if a woman has a miscarriage or an abortion, even if there is no baby, the cells of an unborn child will stay in the mother for decades.”
There’s some debate about whether this ultimately proves harmful or beneficial for the mother, but the idea that there is a part of Cora literally always with me…is amazing. I love that her siblings are too, but it’s most amazing when thinking about Cora because I don’t have her in my arms from day to day. She’s in my very cells. I just love it.
December 7th, 2011
How do you take a picture of your family when your family isn’t complete? I’ve seen families include a portrait of their lost one, but I don’t really feel comfortable doing that. We went for a subtler approach. In 2009, for Cora’s birthday, we bought a Shining Stars stuffed beagle with a code to name a star. We named a star near Orion’s belt for our Cora Rei (okay, I know it’s not really legitimate, but that’s okay). Anyway, we then took a family portrait on Cora’s birthday and included the puppy to signify her.
Well, we got a great coupon for The Picture People, and since it’d been so long since we’d had a professional portrait done (we hadn’t had one since!), we got one done today. And the puppy joined us again.
I don’t know how long I’ll include him. As long as I can. It’ll probably be weird once I stop having young children, but I don’t care. It makes me feel like she at least got to be in our family portrait somehow.
November 11th, 2011
The holiday season is hard. It starts with Halloween. I found myself having imaginary conversations with Cora. It started with talking to Erin about what she wanted to dress as (Rapunzel) and wondering what Cora would want to be. She had red hair, would she have wanted to be Ariel? Or would Ariel have been old news?
“But Mom, I want to be Rapunzel!”
“But Rapunzel has blonde hair, and so does Erin.”
“So I always have to be Ariel, because I have red hair?”
It has continued on with conversations with Erin about what she is grateful for, and what we should take to Grandma and Grandpa’s house, and then what she wants for Christmas.
I hate that these conversations have to be imaginary. It hurts that I didn’t get to have family traditions and experiences with her.
October 22nd, 2011
Erin’s been really interested in family relationships lately. With Allison’s birth and having grandparents and other family in town, it’s been fun trying to help her understand how we’re all related. Her favorites are her brother and sister though. lol
Yesterday in the car, she announced that she had 2 sisters.
I said, “Yes, you do have 2 sisters. Who are your sisters Erin?”
“Baby Allison!” she squealed. She loves her baby sister.
“Yep,” I answered, “Who else?”
She paused for a second. ”Not Patrick,” she said, thinking. “He’s my brother.”
“It’s true. So who is your other sister?”
“Um…” She frowned for a second, and then her eyes went wide. “Baby Cora!”
I love that she is aware of her big sister. I wish they could have grown up together, but the best I can do for Cora is have her siblings know who she is, right?
