Seven years ago today I held a perfect redheaded angel in my arms. For just a few moments the grief slipped away as I was surrounded by and in awe of her. I didn’t get to hold her in my arms for long, but separation will never change that she was, is and forever will be mine, because families are forever.

I love you sweet Cora Rei. Thank you for all the gifts you have given me, and the person your presence has helped me become. I hope you are celebrating your beautiful day will all the other angels in heaven who love you. Thank you for the friendship of their mothers. You have more impact than I could ever have imagined.


We went out for her birthday dinner yesterday

And today we had her cupcakes.  Blackberry, because she told me to.   Read the rest of this entry »

April 30th, the last day Cora was alive.  As much as I have come to terms with some things, it’s still hard.  I STILL have the “if only I’d done this,” and “I should have done that,” thoughts that pop into my head, forever haunting me.

In the end, no matter what, she’s not here.  She’s not here.  And that hurts more than anything I could ever express.

I’m supposed to be planning a birthday party.  Instead I’ll make cupcakes and release butterflies.  As much as I love that tradition, it’s just not the same.

*sigh*

So, I have become pregnant again.  It wasn’t planned, but I’m excited…most of the time.  When I’m not terrified.

I have such a hard time talking about pregnancy with people.  I’ll only be 6 weeks on Monday, but since I get so very sick, I don’t even try to keep it a secret.  And of course, pregnancy means people want to talk about babies.

They don’t understand what torture that is for me.

They don’t understand that every plan of after birth is prefaced by a “Hopefully.”

Hopefully, when the baby gets here….

I’ll be nursing this baby. Hopefully.

Erin’s going to love helping with the baby. Hopefully. If all goes well.  If my baby doesn’t die sometime between now and then.

Read the rest of this entry »

Cora’s caterpillars arrived.  Hopefully we have warm weather this year so we can release the butterflies and have them be warm enough to fly away.

This picture was taken April 2, 2006, 7 years ago tomorrow.

This was a woman who, though still very much struggling with hyperemesis, was happily expecting a baby.  And not just “expecting” in the pregnancy euphemism sense, but literally expecting a baby.  There had been a lot of loss in my family, but I had made it not only out of the first trimester with a living baby, but I was so close to the end.  I was 34 weeks pregnant in this picture and a baby’s chances of survival at birth at 34 weeks are nearly as likely as a full term birth.  Not only that, but she was perfectly healthy.  The ultrasounds and tests all came back perfectly.  I was going to have a baby, it was only a matter of time.  I loved looking at baby clothes and had everything planned out at least a year in advance.  And I was so ready to just not be where I was anymore (sick), and just get on with the whole mom thing.

That woman is gone now.   Read the rest of this entry »

January 21, 2013 ~ Steps Back into Life
Share about your first steps back into life. What helped you survive in the world outside as you took those first tender steps? Are there still tender areas for you today, living in a world that doesn’t embrace or understand the loss of a baby/child? How do you cope with those struggles? What advice would you offer those new to this walk to encourage and bring hope? How has this changed for you from the beginning? If you are in early grief, what do you fear/struggle with as you try to navigate a new normal….life without your baby?

For the first 3 1/2 years of our marriage, Matt was going to school at BYU-Idaho in the very small town of Rexburg, Idaho.  I was pregnant with Cora there.  I worked at a gas station/convenience store that would sell 40oz soda for $.60.  Being a college town, you can imagine how busy we were because of that.  And there were the regulars.  It was amazing how many people came in multiple times a day for their soda.

So they knew me, and it was quite obvious that I was pregnant.   Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes it just hits me over the head the little moments I have or will miss.  I was watching Erin, thinking about all the things I’m looking forward to with my living children, and it just hit me that I’m not going to experience those things with Cora.

I don’t get to watch her pick her own clothes out for the day, or go shopping with her.  I don’t get to hear her talk about her day or what she wants for her own future.  She doesn’t get to tell me her dreams, even the bad ones. I don’t get to see her interact with her siblings, and ask me for another baby.

I’ll never get to pick out/make prom dresses with her, or see her graduate from high school or play a sport or an instrument or be in a play.  I won’t get to hug her on her wedding day, or sit with her while she is in labor with her own babies.

I know I’ll get to see her again someday, deep in my heart.  But that doesn’t fix this.  It doesn’t give me back all the things I’m missing now.  And that hurts.

When he was 19, my husband served a mission for my church for 2 years.  While on his mission he got compared with other young men as a “companionship.” This would change every 6 weeks to a few months, depending.  As you can imagine, he developed some lasting friendships and is still in contact with several of his old companions.

Today he found out that the wife of one of them just lost twins (I don’t know what gestation).  I told him to tell David to let his wife know I’m here if she needs someone to talk to.  And there are some things that I definitely want to say.

~It’s okay to be devastated.  It doesn’t matter when it happens, having a baby or babies die is one of the most horrible things that can happen to a woman.  It shatters your very sense of self.  It doesn’t matter when it happens, either.  The moment you know you are pregnant you start having hopes and dreams and plans for that child.  And having those stolen from you hurts, whether it’s the day after your positive test, or years after the child is born.

~It’s okay to Read the rest of this entry »

I recently discovered this blog series.  It’s over this week, so I’ll be playing catch-up.

January 7, 2013 ~ Introduction and Where are You Now?
Tell us a little about yourself, your baby, and how you’ve come to this walk. Also, where are you now in your grief and healing? Are you new to this, still in the depths of fresh grief? Have you been walking this path awhile?

I’m Brittanie.  I’ll be turning 30 this year, and am the mother of one sweet angel girl, and 3 rainbows.  Cora Rei was my first baby, and I was so excited to be pregnant.  Unfortunately I have suffered from hyperemesis gravidarum with every one of my of my four pregnancies, pretty much from conception, all the way until delivery.  With my first pregnancy, since it was unexpected, it got pretty severe before I started getting treatment for it.  So my pregnancy with Cora was quite difficult, but I was still so very grateful.  I was due May 14, 2006, which that year happened to be Mother’s Day.  On May 1st (38 weeks and 1 day), I woke up and when I took my shower, Cora didn’t move.   Read the rest of this entry »

January 14, 2013 ~ Clinging in the Pit

If you are not new to loss, talk a bit about early grief. What was it like, clinging for hope in the pits of despair? What did you cling to for hope? How did you survive the early days? What helped? What do you wish you could share with someone new to this walk, clinging in the pit? If you’re in the pit, currently, share your struggles. What can others do to encourage you?

First of all, I really want to reiterate how sudden it was for us.  Cora was perfectly healthy.  Everything at the ultrasounds looked great, and we always had really great prenatal appointments.  I had worried about miscarriage at the beginning, but after having such a great mid-pregnancy ultrasound (and I asked a LOT of questions and made the tech show me everything), I figured we were in the clear.  I didn’t know stillbirths still happened as often as they do.  So when I woke up that morning and couldn’t get her to respond, even though I knew in my heart what the answer must be, I had convinced myself it couldn’t happen. It took a while for me to be able to get into my doctor and a while longer waiting for them to Read the rest of this entry »