Last week on Tuesday, we got an inquiry from our adoption agency.  They were going to start working with a law firm in another state.  It was our choice whether or not this law firm would have access to our profile.  We were forewarned that adoptions in this state can cost upwards of $40k.  (Compared to $20-26k in Wisconsin).  This law firm had birthmothers waiting to be matched and no waiting adoptive families.

After discussing the situation, Tony and I decided to have our information provided to the law firm.  If something came of it, we would talk about what to do then.  It couldn’t hurt to have more exposure.

Less than 24 hours later, we got the phone call that we have been waiting 6 months… 1 year… 2 years… all our lives for.  And it’s true.  Nothing at all can prepare you for that moment.  Our agency was sending us information about a birthmother from the law firm who was due in July with a baby girl.  There were some health concerns that we needed to look at.  We were asked to respond if we were interested in 48 hours.

First I think we were in shock.  Tony was in an airport, I was at work and all we wanted to do was see each other and talk about what this could mean.  He didn’t get home until after I was asleep, so the next morning was the first time we were able to talk about it.  We ended up coming up with a lot of questions, we called our social worker and she gave us as much information as she could.  I had to go to work, so Tony called the law firm to ask the questions that we still needed answered.

It was a whirlwind of what-if and how are we going to make this work?  It was 2x what we had expected to pay for an adoption.  We could make it work, but what would we sacrifice?  The list was long… we wouldn’t be able to move out of our house for quite some time, if the birthmother changed her mind, there could be a financial loss that we may never recover from… that would mean we wouldn’t be able to (more…)

I am fortunate enough to work for two amazing chiropractors, Dr. Dawn Cadwallader and Dr. Rob Cadwallader.  They came into my life by way of a friend, Jess.  Jess and I went to high school together.  Jess and I didn’t like each other very much…well, at all… in high school.  There was a boy involved, and it’s really not a very interesting story looking back on it 15 years later.  Jess and I reconnected about 4 years ago.  She knew I was looking for a job and let me know that a new chiropractic office she was working for was hiring for front desk.

I applied, interviewed, and waited…. and waited…. and called…. and called… and waited.

In January 2008, my husband and I were on a trip to San Francisco when I got the call.  They wanted to interview me again.  Two weeks later, I was working for Pro Health Chiropractic.

It is the hardest job I have ever had - the hardest but the most rewarding job I’ve ever had.  I was introduced to concepts that I had never been introduced to before.  Words like “Universe,” ”Enneagram,” “Visualize,” and “Manifest.”  I’m still hesitant to talk to a lot of friends and family about these concepts, because they are not the mainstream and I’ve always been a peacemaker.  I don’t make waves.

I have had personal training and life coaching from both of these doctors that not everyone may understand, but it’s the best thing that could have happened to me.  I’ve come to realize what my role is in this thing we call “Life.”  I create whatever I want out of my life.  It can’t come from someone else.  I am the only one who can concentrate and put all I have into who I BE.

Last weekend, Pro Health gave a seminar for a healthy lifestyle challenge we are doing for our patients.  My boss, life coach, and dearest friend Dr.Dawn gave a talk on Visualization.  Concurrently, we are reading a book as a part of training at the office called, “Manifesting Change: It Couldn’t Be Easier.”  Both the seminar and the book shed more light on visualizing the end result - focusing on your end result and not focusing on all of the steps and the hows of how you are going to get there, but knowing what you want in the end.

I realized while listening to this incredible woman speak that I had failed to carry over the training I had gotten from work into my personal life.  Going through all of the paperwork and books and steps of how to get from point A to point B in the adoption game, I forgot what the real focus should be on: my end result… my baby. (more…)

As an “about-to-be” adoptive mother, I have worked through the grief.  I have grieved for my unborn child and have peace with the fact that I will never be pregnant. I am truly OK with that. But no one and nothing can prepare you for the sting that inevitably comes every time you hear the words, “Hey!  Guess what?!  I’m pregnant!”

The pregnancies that have been announced as of late in my world have been those that have been planned for and hoped for as well as those that have been unplanned and a surprise blessing.  I am so truly happy for each announcement.  What greater gift than that of a child.

But it still hurts.  There is still a sting there.  And I think it will always be there.  No matter how many children I adopt.  There is still a deep down pain in the depths of my soul.  It stings in my heart, then it reaches down, grabs me deep in my gut and doesn’t let go for a few minutes.  Tears well up, but I don’t allow them to flow until I’m alone.  I’m supposed to be happy for this news!  I am supposed to be OK with my situation.  And while I am, it still hurts.  And it is really hard to get this across to others.

I am reading a book right now called “Journey of Souls“.  It was recommended to my by my boss, and more importantly, one of my best friends.  It’s helping me realize that even if I don’t conceive my child, I don’t choose my child… my child chooses me.

I take comfort in knowing that what is meant to be will happen.  And it will happen at the right time.  Sometimes when that “time” isn’t on “my time”, it will eat at me and frustrate me to no end.  It’s hard to accept that it’s out of my hands.  It’s in the hands of the Universe, God, whomever is in charge of time and space.  And I accept that.  But it’s ok for me to struggle every once in a while.  It keeps it real.  There is a blessing with every pang in my stomach and with each tear that I shed.  It’s helping me realize how ready I am, how much love I have to give and how blessed I will be by the soul that chooses me.