Archive for the ‘Grief & Loss’ Category

It’s been a long time.

Monday, July 21st, 2014 by by

I feel bad that I didn’t post about her birthday. I haven’t posted much at all anywhere lately. My life feels like it keeps getting away from me.

But we had a birthday celebration. Cora’s butterflies arrived and hatched early, so we released them on April 26th instead.



When things whisper to me….

Tuesday, December 10th, 2013 by by

Shortly after Cora died, I felt like everything I saw around me symbolized her.  We were very very poor, and I could imagine myself up to my ears in pictures in figurines if I bought every one.  So I made a promise to myself, that I would buy things when, and only when, something really and truly whispered to me.  So, I have a few things.  It just so happens I find more things around Christmas, and maybe that’s because it’s such a sentimental time.  I had managed to get something for her every Christmas until last year.  I just didn’t see anything that spoke to me.  And I accepted that.  If limiting myself from buying too many things is okay, I need to accept the opposite as well.

But when it was happening again this year, it did upset me.  I have an ornament for everyone in our family already. I love walking through the Christmas stuff, and I love decorating, but it just made me so sad.  Maybe because we’re yet another house further removed, and I’m just not feeling her here as much yet (we haven’t gotten her shelf up yet, I only located the shelf last night).  I guess I needed that connection or something.

So I was just wandering at Target, when I saw this ornament.  A single, ceramic white feather.  It was almost electric, my fingers went tingly.  One of my original baby loss mother friends (I can’t for the life of me remember who), mentioned that when she saw lone feathers floating around it made her think of her baby.  It felt like her telling me she was still there, and I really needed that.


Wednesday, September 25th, 2013 by by

Yep, we’re moving.  Quite unexpectedly.  Matt got an amazing transfer offer, and it’s the kind of thing that would be a great opportunity and we had no real reason to stay where we are.

So right now, I’m in the process of getting the house ready to sell.  Part of that is “de-personalizing.”  Apparently it’s better not to have your personal family pictures up on the walls, so the prospective buyers can picture themselves there, rather than just seeing you.

So tonight I’m packing Cora’s shelf.  I hate putting it away.  The other pictures…well…I have the rest of my family HERE every day to look at, so that’s not really a big deal.

But it’s so sad to me.  Her whole life fits into one small box.

There’s the added emotion of moving further away again.  It’s not just time that separates us, it’ll be another few hundred miles as well, and it’s amazing how much that hurts.

Other women’s babies

Tuesday, July 9th, 2013 by by

It’s interesting how a picture can take you right back to the emotion of the moment it was taken in.  I was looking at old pictures a while back, trying to find pictures of me and my youngest sister (long story).  And I came across some pictures of me after Cora was born, but before I became pregnant with Erin, holding other people’s babies.

I’ve shared this one before

It was taken 5 days after my best friend had her baby that she had been pregnant with me with.

Later came the blessing of that same sweet baby.

And then the baby of another friend I had been pregnant with, just another month later. (more…)


ROHHAD: Kira – 9 years old – passes away :(

Monday, June 3rd, 2013 by by

Kira, 9 years old, gains her ROHHAD angel wings

Dearest friends….it is with a heavy heart and sadness that I must share that one of our sweetest and dearest friends has lost her battle with ROHHAD and gained her angel wings.  I have known Kira and her family for a few years now and am blessed to have known her and had her in our life.  We will miss her but take comfort knowing she is

Happy 7th birthday Cora

Friday, May 17th, 2013 by by

Seven years ago today I held a perfect redheaded angel in my arms. For just a few moments the grief slipped away as I was surrounded by and in awe of her. I didn’t get to hold her in my arms for long, but separation will never change that she was, is and forever will be mine, because families are forever.

I love you sweet Cora Rei. Thank you for all the gifts you have given me, and the person your presence has helped me become. I hope you are celebrating your beautiful day will all the other angels in heaven who love you. Thank you for the friendship of their mothers. You have more impact than I could ever have imagined.

We went out for her birthday dinner yesterday

And today we had her cupcakes.  Blackberry, because she told me to.   (more…)

I hate this day

Thursday, May 9th, 2013 by by

April 30th, the last day Cora was alive.  As much as I have come to terms with some things, it’s still hard.  I STILL have the “if only I’d done this,” and “I should have done that,” thoughts that pop into my head, forever haunting me.

In the end, no matter what, she’s not here.  She’s not here.  And that hurts more than anything I could ever express.

I’m supposed to be planning a birthday party.  Instead I’ll make cupcakes and release butterflies.  As much as I love that tradition, it’s just not the same.



"Hopefully" (pregnancy mentioned)

Friday, May 3rd, 2013 by by

So, I have become pregnant again.  It wasn’t planned, but I’m excited…most of the time.  When I’m not terrified.

I have such a hard time talking about pregnancy with people.  I’ll only be 6 weeks on Monday, but since I get so very sick, I don’t even try to keep it a secret.  And of course, pregnancy means people want to talk about babies.

They don’t understand what torture that is for me.

They don’t understand that every plan of after birth is prefaced by a “Hopefully.”

Hopefully, when the baby gets here….

I’ll be nursing this baby. Hopefully.

Erin’s going to love helping with the baby. Hopefully. If all goes well.  If my baby doesn’t die sometime between now and then.



Thursday, April 11th, 2013 by by

Cora’s caterpillars arrived.  Hopefully we have warm weather this year so we can release the butterflies and have them be warm enough to fly away.

That woman

Thursday, April 4th, 2013 by by

This picture was taken April 2, 2006, 7 years ago tomorrow.

This was a woman who, though still very much struggling with hyperemesis, was happily expecting a baby.  And not just “expecting” in the pregnancy euphemism sense, but literally expecting a baby.  There had been a lot of loss in my family, but I had made it not only out of the first trimester with a living baby, but I was so close to the end.  I was 34 weeks pregnant in this picture and a baby’s chances of survival at birth at 34 weeks are nearly as likely as a full term birth.  Not only that, but she was perfectly healthy.  The ultrasounds and tests all came back perfectly.  I was going to have a baby, it was only a matter of time.  I loved looking at baby clothes and had everything planned out at least a year in advance.  And I was so ready to just not be where I was anymore (sick), and just get on with the whole mom thing.

That woman is gone now.   (more…)