Archive for the ‘Trying to Conceive’ Category


Monday, July 12th, 2010 by by

This might sound like a strange thing for someone who is 17 and a half weeks pregnant to say but recently something that has been on my mind a lot is TTC (trying to conceive).

We have had our children fairly lose together and we started TTC more or less as soon as my fertility returned each time. I think a lot of people have shaken their head and tutted at this, but we have good reasons and it’s our decision, not theirs. My endo has put me on borrowed time and with a history of recurrent miscarriage it takes us a while to get a sticky one.

I love our girls being so close in age. They’re growing up together and they are extremely close. There are as many pros and cons to choosing to have your children close together as there are to waiting a few years and there are no right or wrong answers; it has to depend on the family, the situation and a decision between two people – not their extended family and friends.

I didn’t realize I wanted a big family for many years. I grew up as an only child; my mother was also an only child. For some reason I thought that meant I should only have one child too. I was diagnosed with (more…)


The lowdown on babymaking…

Friday, June 25th, 2010 by by

No, I’m not pregnant.  Yes, we’re still trying.  I decided I was getting a little crazy about planning everything and not just enjoying it.  So, now we’re sort of NTNP (not trying not preventing), although I am paying attention to when I’m expecting to ovulate.  The last couple of months, I got really bummed seeing all those BFNs (big fat negatives), and I don’t want to keep doing that to myself.

Hubs got pretty bummed over it too.  I think he felt bad that I was getting disappointed.  Not that he doesn’t want another baby, but he’s more of the “it will happen when it happens” type of guy.

Right now, we’re just enjoying Junior and lots of fun time with just the three of us.  We took Jr bowling for the first time last weekend.  That was interesting.  Jr did impressively well and had an awesome time, but reminding a 2.5 year old to wait his turn and watch out for other bowlers was difficult.  We’re definitely going to be going again!

Visiting the "Vodoo" Doctor for Infertility.

Thursday, May 13th, 2010 by by

Okay he’s not a voodoo doctor- he’s a homeopathic doctor that my mom goes to. I’m in the land of “looking for options to get better, not just take Clomid and get pregnant” in terms of my PCOS. So I made an appointment and went to see him.

The first thing he did was something called “muscular something or other”. Very scientific name. In his office it made perfect sense- even if it was a little weird- but out in the real world, when I’m trying to explain what he did, I feel like I just got scammed.

Basically he was saying something about how everything has some type of aura thing, and your body responds to things it needs. He had me hold different supplements to my belly button and then he would check the lengths of my legs. Apparently if I needed a supplement, the muscles in my legs would respond to the aura? energy? of the supplement and shorten one of my legs. I was a little suspicious but he showed me (more…)

How Far Would You Go?

Saturday, April 17th, 2010 by by

I’m emerging from the emotional hole I got myself into earlier this week. I expected it to a great degree, despite always having at least a tiny bit of hope. I didn’t want to spend the last few days driving myself crazy with wondering, so I took a pregnancy text last Sunday. Negative, of course. After 29 cycles of trying to conceive, it was no great surprise, and yet still so devastating. This gave me the platform to embark on a Healing Temple meditation that I had read about just a few days prior in A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. Well, that turned into an hour-long sobfest!

In my meditation, I pictured my favorite spot we visited in Bali last October, the holy spring pools at Tirta Empul. The Balinese bathe in the sacred waters at Tirta Empul temple to heal their body and purify their mind. Tirta Empul was by far the most beautifully moving place we visited in Bali, and is first on our list to return to when we hopefully get back to Bali in 2012. This time we intend to get in the waters ourselves.


Deserving A Baby

Thursday, April 15th, 2010 by by

I know this girl. Actually I know two girls who, everytime I pray to get pregnant again, I can’t help but stop and ask that, if at all possible, they should get pregnant first because they deserve it so much more.

I have a lot of experience praying for the chance to get pregnant. Back in 2007, a doctor threw a chart on the table and said, “Yeah…you’ll never be able to get pregnant on your own.” I was pregnant at the time, but went on to miscarry. It was a year of waiting, a year of praying – a very dark year up until the very end. I learned a lot, but I will loudly proclaim that I hope to never live through that kind of year again. Suffering from the loss brought up so many other issues in my life besides the main issue of trusting God to take care of me.

So the other night, I was in the garden, planting my millionth strawberry plant (more…)

Strange Days and HPTs

Sunday, April 4th, 2010 by by

The last few days have felt incredibly surreal. I am still waiting to wake up from this extraordinary dream.

On Wednesday, I had what I could only describe as a really rubbish, rotten day. One thing after another went wrong, not least of which being the arrival of AF in the afternoon. I cursed under my breath as I wiped and found blood, and over the next couple of hours it became heavier, thick and red. I had put all thoughts of a BFP out of my head the week before. It had all felt too big and too dark to handle any longer. I was still disappointed when the witch showed up, but I had expected her.

What I hadn’t been expecting was that a few hours later she had almost disappeared again. The bleeding had trailed to some watery, orange spotting. I didn’t know what was going on, but (more…)

One of Those Days

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010 by by

You know how sometimes you just have a really rubbish day? One of those days where nothing particularly awful happens, but so many little bad things happen that by the end of the day you just feel totally devoid of joy? Well, I had one of those days today.

It started at 3 this morning. I am still full of this flu, and overnight it got worse. I’d struggled to get to sleep in the first place, so I’d only had 2 hours when I woke up. I tried in vain to get back to sleep, but the flu kept finding new ways to keep me awake. First I got hot and sweaty, then I got cold and shivery, then my throat hurt so badly I started to think I maybe had tonsillitis instead. I ran back and forth to the bathroom five time to check my tonsils for any suspicious behaviour. Then I started coughing, over and over again.

I was struggling not to wake up my DH. I tried everything (more…)


This will hopefully be my last post on this

Monday, March 29th, 2010 by by

I don’t like to be a moper.  I like to deal with things and move forward.  When I had my ectopic loss back in 2007 I grieved for a while but then I moved forward.  I don’t know if my way of dealing with things is healthier or less healthy than someone else’s but it’s how I am.  I don’t like to be depressed –not that anybody does – so I try really hard to not stay down for too long.  I find that the sooner I get back into my normal routine the better I feel.

But, I am still having a hard time with moving forward and just need to get a few unresolved feelings out there.  Every time I look at my kids I start thinking the next time I am going to hold a baby of my own it is going to be my grandbaby.  Then I start getting down again.  I wanted to be done when I had my last baby.  I didn’t want the choice to be done to be taken away from me.  I was going to be ready.  I just wanted one more.

And, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone.  Since I am dealing with secondary infertility (more…)

Thank you to all my friends at JustMommies

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010 by by

For helping me get through a very difficult day.  I didn’t blog about our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle.  We had our IVF cycle in December and then in March we did an FET cycle.  I didn’t want to blog about this because I knew this would be a stressful month and I just wanted to get through it by myself.

We decided to thaw all five of the embryos we had frozen.  I had already decided before we even started that this would be our last cycle trying to conceive.  When I went in for our initial IVF consult I had every intention of doing three cycles.  But, I did not know how hard IVF was.  I did not know how I would feel when my cycle failed.  I went into this very naively.  I really just thought that it had to work.  In fact, I was so scared that I was going to end up pregnant with twins or multiples. We only transferred two embryos the first time.  I was very insistent on that.

Then when my cycle failed, I was crushed.  I told Kelly that I didn’t want to (more…)

To Be or Not to Be Done

Sunday, March 14th, 2010 by by

I sit back and watch all of these BFP’s (big fat positives) pop up around me and I can’t help but feel that motherly urge to have another!! I’m in such a hard place right now because 3 is plenty, but I don’t feel done yet. I’ve always heard if you’re unsure, don’t do it (vasectomy and/or tubal). Logan is only 6 months old so I really don’t understand why I have this urge. I’ve been having endometriosis symptoms since after Gavin, but I didn’t know what they were. I just dealt with the pain and when I got pregnant with Logan they suddenly went away. I also read that that does happen to a lot of women. So when I got my first period after having Logan, the pain was back. :( I’m not talking about normal period pain either, I lay on the couch in a ball and try not to breath.. it’s bad.

After some research, I’ve found that the only thing that explains my symptoms is endo, which runs in my family. So if it is in fact endo, I won’t be fertile much longer because it will spread. I’m going to my doctor to get a proper diagnosis and hey, maybe I don’t have it!! But if he tells me I do, I know exactly what I’m gonna feel… (more…)