Posts Tagged ‘infertility’

A New Kind of Dream

Saturday, November 5th, 2011 by by

Over the years, I’ve had many dreams about our journey, none of them happy. Most of these dreams have involved another miscarriage. Usually, in the rare dream in which we successfully carry to term, the babe is diagnosed with histio shortly after birth. The dream I had a few nights ago was different.

I dreamed that I was very pregnant, only I wasn’t showing. In my dream, my water broke, but I wasn’t really contracting. The hospital was very okay with me having a natural birth. Despite my water breaking, they sent me home to wait.

At one point, while waiting to go into active labor, we were at a store. I was sitting down to rub my belly during a mild contraction. A teacher from one of my schools saw this and asked me if I was pregnant. Beaming, I told her “yes.” She then asked me how far along I was. Only, because I wasn’t showing, she wouldn’t believe me when I told her I was already full term, that my water had broken, and that I was contracting.

Also, in the dream I was telling both Chris and the doctors to just take the baby already. I was terrified at the thought of an infection now that the baby didn’t have any amniotic fluid to protect it. I know that this bit stems from losing my brother this way. I kept saying, “This baby will not die like Donald Nicholas did!” I think this is the only situation in which I would opt for (and possibly demand) a c-section. Those who know me know that I am (and always have been) very pro-natural birth.

Anyway, I can’t quite figure out what was up with me being pregnant and not showing. Maybe it has something to do with our plans to adopt. All I know is I was thrilled to have a dream where the baby was both alive and healthy. Perhaps this is a sign that my subconscious is finally starting to heal.


Broken Heart; Empty Arms

Thursday, August 18th, 2011 by by

It’s back-to-school time. That means sales and post galore of the first day of school. It seems that everywhere I turn, there is a preschooler going to school for the first time. It hurts. Dominic should be starting homeschool preschool this year. (Well, technically if he wanted to we could have started last year, but this year we’d be doing it no matter what).

I want to homeschool so bad! It’s probably the thing I look forward to most…and yet, I’m forced to wait another several years before I can do so. I want to be at a park right now, or at the table working. I want to be trying to get Gwen, Aiden, and Jill to let Dominic work. (Even if that means they all have to nap!)

I want to be planning lessons and brainstorming. I want to know his learning style and be looking at Kindergarten curricula. I want to know if Gwen would decide she wants to do it with her big brother and doesn’t want to wait a year.

I hate having to imagine what it would be like. I should KNOW. =(

The Truth About Infertility.

Monday, October 11th, 2010 by by

Truth Number One: Nothing hurts more than waiting for the first. Never knowing if you’ll be a mom. Never knowing if you’ll ever have a child. That is a hell I’d gladly never remember. Of course, at the time I was waiting for said first child, I worked fifty hours a week, spent twenty hours commuting. I spent every night alone, and only saw my husband if we happened to have a weekend off together. All that would change with a baby, and I knew that, but I couldn’t change it until I had the baby…and the baby was just not coming. (more…)

Letting Go

Sunday, July 18th, 2010 by by

A strange thing has been happening to me over the last month.  After 2.5 years of unexplained infertility, I think I just might be finally letting go.

The first inkling of this came a few days after we returned from my husband’s 40th birthday cruise in mid June.  We had spent a week with good friends who have 7- and 10-year-olds that are so painfully shy that it hurt me to see how uncomfortable they are in the world.  Even after spending a week with them, they hadn’t really opened up.  Then, I considered other dear friends who have a 19 month old who has a form of albinism.  Because of her albinism, she has vision issues that keep her in baby sunglasses and away from sunny days on the playground, plus hardships later in life.

Thinking of the hardships some parents go through, I thought in the shower one morning, Tuesday, June 22nd to be precise, that maybe it would be okay if my husband and I didn’t have children after all.  It was the very first time in my entire life, not just the past 2.5 years, where that thought didn’t make me cry.

Even more recently, I’ve been thinking of the travels we’d like to take in the next few years.  (more…)


An inspirational story…I must share.

Saturday, May 22nd, 2010 by by

I suppose when you see a friend go through a tragedy, one that you cannot prevent nor help in any way to ease the pain, you reach out. Most people renew their faith in God or another higher power. Some reach out to family and friends. Others just shut down completely and question everything, every belief they have ever been surrounded by.

When we lost our first baby – a miscarriage at 8 weeks – I was so angry, in particular, at God. I just didn’t understand why we would get pregnant the very first time we ever tried, only to lose the baby. THEN, we had to fight infertility after that. It just wasn’t fair. But I didn’t turn my back on Him. I believed we were walking our path for a purpose.

To our surprise, it was to be blessed with triplets, the 3 most amazing people in my life. Ok…3 of 4, I can’t forget Todd. We needed to go through everything to be able to have them. Not that the pregnancy or how we got them was easy, but that is a whole different story.

Along the way, I met some amazing people, many whom were walking in our same shoes. Norina was one of them. She and I went through our losses together. We were there to support one another. So, it doesn’t surprise me that she came out of the woodwork when I started writing and collecting donations for Brandi. Norina is amazing. Beautiful. A wonderful and deserving mother.

She passed along a beautiful story. A sad story. One that will make you cry. (more…)

Visiting the "Vodoo" Doctor for Infertility.

Thursday, May 13th, 2010 by by

Okay he’s not a voodoo doctor- he’s a homeopathic doctor that my mom goes to. I’m in the land of “looking for options to get better, not just take Clomid and get pregnant” in terms of my PCOS. So I made an appointment and went to see him.

The first thing he did was something called “muscular something or other”. Very scientific name. In his office it made perfect sense- even if it was a little weird- but out in the real world, when I’m trying to explain what he did, I feel like I just got scammed.

Basically he was saying something about how everything has some type of aura thing, and your body responds to things it needs. He had me hold different supplements to my belly button and then he would check the lengths of my legs. Apparently if I needed a supplement, the muscles in my legs would respond to the aura? energy? of the supplement and shorten one of my legs. I was a little suspicious but he showed me (more…)

It’s come to this: bullet points.

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009 by by
  • I have a very best friend who I miss very much. This very best friend of mine is used to my sense of humor, will tap dance in cow slippers for a laugh, and is known to wear underwear and goggles on her head should the situation require it*. She’s a gem and lives exactly 9698474636386589 miles away from me.
  • I am FOUR days away from a holiday
  • The reason I haven’t posted very much lately is not because I am in the depths of despair over infertility David and I are working on that it’s because I’ve been stuck reading over at thebloggess.
  • Have you checked out Just Mommies yet? You should. Because I’m feeling pretty lonely on the ttc blog…everyone else is (more…)