Posts Tagged ‘miscarriage’

Little things

Friday, February 24th, 2012 by by

It’s amazing the little things that can set off grief. I guess I’ve always known that this was the case – I guess I just forgot. Nevertheless, it always catches me by surprise.

The most recent was watching Father of the Bride. The scene where Nina (mom) learns of Annie’s (daughter) engagement. In this scene, Nina is smiling and crying as she cusps Annie’s face. Kinda like this:

This picture was taken as right as mom learned about the twins. My heart breaks even more knowing the pain she (and so many others) experienced with the loss of our precious babies. I know it’s not my fault, and that nothing could’ve been done, but yet I feel guilty. I loved sharing my babies with everyone for those few days, but I feel like an ass for dashing their hopes. :(


To try again, or not to try again?

Thursday, January 19th, 2012 by by

As I always do after a loss, I’ve been questioning whether or not I want to risk going through another miscarriage. A good friend and I were talking about it last night, and I think I’ve decided.

I probably will risk it again. Chris really wants a living (biological) child, and it wouldn’t be very fair of me to flat out refuse that option. I couldn’t ask him to get snipped knowing how badly he wants a child, and I’m never doing hormonal birth control again.

The losses are hard on me, yes, but they’re hard on him too. After all he’s done for me, I can’t not take his feelings into consideration. Are his feelings more important? No. But, likewise, mine don’t outweigh his either. I have no right to take away his chance at a biological child.

That being said, I will continue to try (or at least not prevent) for a while still. Since I lost my left fallopian tube with this pregnancy, the risk of another ectopic is just the same as everyone else’s risk. At this point, the risk is the same as it was before we conceived the twins.

In the hospital

Thursday, January 5th, 2012 by by

This past Tuesday evening, I began to have a little pain in my side. I immediately thought about calling the on call doctor but decided that I was probably overreacting, so I chose to wait until my already scheduled appointment.

On Wednesday at the appointment, we received some bad news. The baby had already passed. The tech did make sure to look at the tube, but there was nothing to be seen.

Thursday evening, the pain came back with a vengeance. By 4am Friday morning, I was nauseated and in tears from the pain. I woke Chris up, and we headed to the ER. In the ER, they found something in the tube but couldn’t be sure about what it was they were seeing. Obviously, they were concerned about it being a baby. However, the area didn’t have an increased blood flow like a baby would have. It was decided that I would go home on the promise that I come back to the ER if it got worse, and I would return Saturday (no matter what) for repeat tests.

The pain subsided greatly, but apparently things had gotten much worse. I ended up being admitted pretty quickly. By 7:30 that evening, I was in the OR for emergency surgery. We were pregnant with twins in a rare heterotopic pregnancy. My left fallopian tube was bleeding out in several places. Unfortunately, the doctor was unable to save my tube. Because the baby implanted so close to the uterus, the doctor also had to take a small corner of the uterus that was damaged.

Recovery from surgery got off to a rough start (thanks to being allergic to Delaudid and a nurse that didn’t notice that). Yesterday’s day nurse caught it pretty much right away, and things went MUCH better after that.

As of right now, we’re unsure of when we’ll get to go home. Maybe this evening, maybe tomorrow.


Friday, November 18th, 2011 by by

October and November have been hard months for me for the past 10 years.  November 2nd, 2001, was the date that I said goodbye to my first angel, and then strangely enough two of my three other losses occurred between October 21 and November 19… So in the space of less than a month, I have three angelversaries.  Zhavier’s anniversary is October 21st (2007), Jayden’s is November 2nd (2001), and then Micah’s is November 19th (2005).  Of all the days they could fall on, I still don’t really understand how they all managed to fall so closely together.  The anniversary of my fourth and final angel is January 6th (2008) – so still relatively close.

I do consider myself healed from my losses. I still think about my four angels, but usually it is just a quick thought here and there, that  I forget about a few minutes later… But the past few weeks, my babies have all been constantly on my mind. I’m used to feeling this way at this time of year though.  I find it hard not to think, and I guess that is understandable…  It’s hard to not think about what life was like then and now, hard not to remember going through each individual loss.

Certain sights and smells make me think of my losses, silly things. (more…)


Gwendolyn’s Legacy

Monday, February 28th, 2011 by by

Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

Last night in TCF chat, I asked for suggestions. I wanted something I could do to honor Gwen tomorrow. The response I got was wonderful. A very wonderfully supportive woman named Joanna suggested that I ask people to do a good deed in Gwen’s honor to continue her work. Maybe I should explain…

You see, when I miscarried Gwen at 11w, I was devastated. In my grief and fears for new pregnancies, I found I quickly signed up and found the ladies to be wonderful. After a few months on the site, I began hosting the recurrent loss board, where I have been able to provide support to women for more than two years now.

Shortly after becoming host, a member posted. Her rainbow baby was very, very sick. They thought he had cancer. During his hospital stay, I emailed her to check on him. She was happy for my concern and gave me her # to check on him any time. I’m sure you’ve figured it out by now, that precious rainbow baby is Joey, and he didn’t have cancer…it was worse: histiocytosis. As you likely already know, I have become VERY involved in raising awareness and volunteering for the nation’s biggest histio charity.

All of this was set into motion by Gwen’s passing. This precious little girl has made such a difference in so many lives despite never getting to take that first breath. I’d like to follow Joanna’s suggestion and take it one step further. If all of my readers would do just one good deed in Gwen’s honor tomorrow…think of the difference she’d make. If you can’t do this, for whatever reason, it would mean a lot to me if you’d just light a candle in her honor at some point tomorrow.

If you do a good deed, tell me about it. I’d love to know what’s being done in my baby’s honor. If you light a candle, I’d also love to know. If you can, take a picture of it and send it to me. Thanks in advance!

Gwendolyn Elizabeth

Saturday, February 26th, 2011 by by

Three years ago today, we lost our baby girl.

I’m at a loss for the words to express the grief we feel. You see, when you miscarry, it’s not just about losing that partially formed baby. It’s so much more. It’s about the loss of dreams; the loss of opportunity.

We did not get to hear her first cry. We will not see her walk, learn her abc’s, ride a bike, get a boyfriend, go to college, have kids of her own. We will not be able to parent, to raise her up into the beautiful woman I know she would have been. I won’t get to breastfeed, to change her diaper, to hear her laugh, to hear her say “Mommy” for the first time and it hurts.

A lot of times, people who haven’t had a pregnancy loss don’t understand the intensity of the grief. It has been almost four years since my first loss, and let me tell you, it hurts just as much if not more than it did that day.

Of course, with the emotional pain comes the physical pain. Luckily, that doesn’t linger as long. Did you know that when a woman miscarries, she essentially goes into labor? I didn’t…at least not until it happened. Let me tell you, I don’t think there is anything worse than lying in your bed, having contractions, and knowing that it’s because your baby is dead, that this unbelievable pain is not at all going to be worth it!

In addition to the different pains comes fear. I’m terrified. If I get pregnant again, will it just happen a fifth time? Will I just keep losing my babies and populating Heaven? What if I never become a “mother”? In my heart, yes, I’m a mom, but I know others don’t see it that way. How much more can I take? How much more can Chris handle? When is it enough?


Sunday, September 12th, 2010 by by

One year ago today, I saw two very beautiful pink lines. I’d thought my period had started the day before, but when the bleeding became watery and started to fade, I was confused. I didn’t expect that this was implantation bleeding. This wasn’t the light brown/pink spotting I’d heard of; this was proper, heavy red bleeding. When I took an internet cheap test that night, I was only really doing it because I am an HPT addict – I didn’t expect to see a faint line. I’ve seen plenty of evaps on those tests, so I dipped a second, and the same thing happened. Finally I broke open the First Response tests I’d bought that day to ‘cheer me up’ and look forward to the next cycle, feeling that I would for sure be wasting one. The resulting beautiful pink line made my heart soar.

I only had 11 weeks and 6 days with Daisy. I was one day short of the fabled 12 week milestone when I lost her. I had never before, nor since, bonded so quickly during pregnancy. Not with my girls, nor this time, nor any other loss. I don’t know why. I remember going to bed the night I got my positive test and just laying there with a huge grin across my face, bonding with her instantly.

You know the feeling when something terrible has happened, and you awake in the morning with a blissful moment of ignorance before you remember? Well, for the first and last time, I experienced the opposite of that. I woke up with no memory of my positive test the night before for a moment or two, then I recalled what had happened and the grin spread across my face again. The grin didn’t leave my face for weeks. (more…)


My angel babies…

Sunday, August 1st, 2010 by by

Sometimes I almost forget that I have four angels watching over me.  That makes me feel terrible.  My four angel babies all had such a huge impact on my life, yet as time passes and my life changes, I seem to momentarily forget. No, forget is too strong of a word – I seem to stop thinking about them… Then something happens, and the memories of each of them flood back to me, and I battle the tears.

Jayden… my precious Jayden.  He was my first angel. I loved him from the moment I found out about him, however, no one else did.  Only just 18 when I found out I was pregnant – not yet strong enough (as a woman) to do what I knew was right for me or for my baby – I gave in and had a very unwanted termination.  I tried to make myself believe it was for the best, though I knew it wasn’t… I tried to trick myself into believing that I wouldn’t be affected by having a termination, and that the pamphlets I had read were right. I would “feel a strong sense of relief” after my termination, I would “get on with life as normal, soon after.”  But I didn’t.  I suffered severe depression for four years. My whole being changed, and suddenly the old Emma had disappeared, and a new one was created – one I didn’t know, one I didn’t like, and one that I wished would go away.  I hate that I had a termination.  I hate that I let my first baby go so easily.  A million times I have wondered what he’d have looked like, been like, and how he’d have changed my life. I never fail to feel guilty, because I know that *I* am the reason I can’t have the answers to those questions. I am the reason I don’t know what he looks like, what he is like, or the impact he would have had on my life.  I try to take a positive from every situation, and I do my best to remind myself that Jayden taught me to be strong, to stand up for myself, and to listen to my own heart.
~Jayden Scott~
conceived – 1st September 2001
lost – 2nd November 2001
due in my arms – 28th May 2002 (more…)

Life after miscarriage

Sunday, July 11th, 2010 by by

It has been 3 months and 2 weeks since I had my first miscarriage, and one week since my second.  I did not announce my pregnancy this last time, because I thought it would be easier for me to cope if things didn’t go well again.  I was wrong.  Now I just feel like I’m coping alone.  I do have much support at JustMommies; the loss boards especially have been very comforting and helpful.

But life must go on.  We did not tell the little kids this time around either.  I couldn’t stand the thought of telling them, Daniel especially, that there would be no baby.  He still randomly asks about the baby that we lost in March, and it kills me a little each time to tell him that there will be no baby.

I have to be honest.  This loss did not hit me as hard as my first one.  I think it’s because of how it went down.  My doctor had me do blood work to check my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels, and they were so low that he wanted me to repeat the test.  I think having to wait those two days prepared me for the bleeding when it started.  In March, it totally came out of no where, and I was not prepared. I did not even entertain the idea that things would not go well for me.

I still long to have one more baby.   (more…)

The what ifs…

Thursday, April 29th, 2010 by by

I sit here watching my children play and I’m grateful for them. But at the same time I think of the What If’s…What if the first baby would’ve made it? What if we would’ve have a girl first? What if that baby would’ve stuck, would we have gone to Texas or just stayed here? What if…

It’s weird to think that we would have a 4yr old already. If that baby would’ve stuck and been a girl I wouldn’t have my Shaymee. And now after recent events its odd to think that we would’ve most likely had another reason to be joyful at Christmas time. The mind wonders, sometimes good and sometimes bad.

But tonight I want to say I’m thankful for my children. I want to send hugs to those with infertility and those that have had losses. It’s never easy no matter who you are. (more…)