Three years ago today, we lost our baby girl.
I’m at a loss for the words to express the grief we feel. You see, when you miscarry, it’s not just about losing that partially formed baby. It’s so much more. It’s about the loss of dreams; the loss of opportunity.
We did not get to hear her first cry. We will not see her walk, learn her abc’s, ride a bike, get a boyfriend, go to college, have kids of her own. We will not be able to parent, to raise her up into the beautiful woman I know she would have been. I won’t get to breastfeed, to change her diaper, to hear her laugh, to hear her say “Mommy” for the first time and it hurts.
A lot of times, people who haven’t had a pregnancy loss don’t understand the intensity of the grief. It has been almost four years since my first loss, and let me tell you, it hurts just as much if not more than it did that day.
Of course, with the emotional pain comes the physical pain. Luckily, that doesn’t linger as long. Did you know that when a woman miscarries, she essentially goes into labor? I didn’t…at least not until it happened. Let me tell you, I don’t think there is anything worse than lying in your bed, having contractions, and knowing that it’s because your baby is dead, that this unbelievable pain is not at all going to be worth it!
In addition to the different pains comes fear. I’m terrified. If I get pregnant again, will it just happen a fifth time? Will I just keep losing my babies and populating Heaven? What if I never become a “mother”? In my heart, yes, I’m a mom, but I know others don’t see it that way. How much more can I take? How much more can Chris handle? When is it enough?