Posts Tagged ‘Pregnancy’

Bald, Fat and Crazy: The Musical

Friday, January 28th, 2011 by by

The title of my blog and this first page warrant a bit of explanation. Clearly, I was Bald. And clearly I was Fat. However, when you come to realize that my baldness was caused by chemotherapy and my ‘fatness’ was caused by being pregnant at the same time, then the mere fact that I was smiling in this photo is evidence that I was also Crazy. Add to this scenario the pending adoption of a baby girl and the Crazy goes to a whole new level.

But what about ‘The Musical’?” What is that all about?

Well, in order to survive my situation as best as I could, I needed to develop some serious coping skills. Exercise has always been my usual mechanism for dealing with stress. However, that wasn’t an option much of the time for reasons which I will explain later, so music became a major source of therapy. Often I would put on my earphones, turn on my ipod and picture a far less stressful time in my future. Music is so powerful and has a transcendent quality that allowed me to escape my present world briefly and visualize my goals of becoming a better, faster, stronger self (in addition to hopefully thinner and with my own hair back in place).

My plan with this blog is to tell my story as honestly as possible. Many of the posts will be connected to a corresponding song (that has been downloaded to that post so that you may click on it and listen) that had a powerful impact on me at the time. Each song spoke to me in its own way, helping me address (more…)


It affects everything. (pregnancy mentioned, sort of)

Wednesday, January 19th, 2011 by by

Sometimes it becomes really obvious just how much Cora’s death has affected my life.  But on days like today, it’s REALLY obvious.  I belong to a Due Date Club on forums.  And I stick out.  My perspective is totally different.
~When discussing birthing preferences, I need to be in the bed hooked up to the heartbeat monitors.  Why?  Because without it I start flashing back to the delivery without it.  When there was no heartbeat to hear.  I need the comfort of the sound, to reassure myself that things are different.  I’m also going to be induced early because of that same anxiety.  Labor and Delivery are an incredibly stressful time for me.
~When discussing baby showers…well, I’m not expecting to have one, as I’ve already got a girl and a boy.  But Erin’s and Patrick’s were both after they were born.  I have an incredibly hard time with sitting there and everyone saying “when the baby comes” while my mind is screaming if.  Cora’s was 2 days before she died.
~When discussing nurseries…well…Cora’s was the only one I have ever had.  With both Erin and Patrick we’ve lived in places where there wasn’t a separate space for a nursery.  We will be moving in June into a bigger place.  We’re not sure of details yet, but it’ll be at least 3 bedrooms so the baby can have a separate room.  Which means a nursery.  But I can’t even get my mind to start thinking about decorating a nursery.
~When discussing finding out the gender…I have to.  I have to.  It’s an emotional imperative.  I got to get to know Cora before she died.  I can’t imagine not knowing who she was until after she died.  The same thing goes for names.  I hear people saying “we’ll decide on a name when we see the baby and see what fits.”  I got to call Cora by name.  It made (more…)

Disconnected (pregnancy mentioned)

Tuesday, January 4th, 2011 by by

I feel like I’m lying to people when I talk about being pregnant.  I’m starting to feel it physically more, which is good, but when it comes to the idea of actually having a baby come August….it feels like a sham.

I had such an instant bond with Cora.  It felt surreal, in that you can’t really comprehend what it is actually like to experience something you haven’t yet, but I could dream about her in a real way.  I expected to get a baby out of it.

I didn’t with Erin and Patrick.  And especially not now.  Maybe it’s not “especially” in that it’s harder for me now than it was with them, but because I was expecting it to get better or easier being 4 1/2 years removed and having had 2 live births since.

But I don’t.  I don’t believe it.  Not yet.  And that fact makes me want to cry.


Monday, January 3rd, 2011 by by

I know I’ve said I think about babies and pregnancies in terms of “hopefully,” but it breaks my heart to hear others do it.

This evening as we said bedtime prayers, Matt was saying thanks for the last year.  He listed off so many of our blessings.  And then he asked blessings for the new year and things we are planning for and added “And hopefully to have a new child this next year.”

Hearing it from my husband just tore my heart out but really put me at peace too.  I’m not alone in this.  I’m not the only one who is scared and wonders.

Cora’s death didn’t just affect me.  It affected us.  I think it’s easy to forget sometimes that he’s a grieving parent, too, because he deals with it so differently than I do.  But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel it.


Hello, Crunch!

Sunday, September 26th, 2010 by by

It is officially apple cider and pumpkin pie season! Acorns have been making their way into little fists on the way to the park the past few days, and there is a definite crunch to my step and crisp, delicious smell to the air – especially today, after the first rain of the season. Fall has officially arrived! We are also officially moved into our new house in Mississippi!

What this house lacks in charm, it makes up for in so many areas! The yard work is done for us twice a week, the utilities are included, and all we have to worry about is paying for our internet connection! The floor plan is wonderful for us, with all the bedrooms branching off the end of the hall next to each other. It’s going to make the final transition of Naomi from our bed into her own so much easier than a split bedroom house plan. It’s your typical base house with waxed linoleum floors (thankfully, in a neutral, non-offensive color) and no special touches, to speak of. But, now that I’ve got most of the decor out and pictures on the wall, it’s feeling pretty cozy! We have a BIG field out our backdoor that leads you to a great park for the kids, and a there is a fenced-in dog run right next to that! If the kids ever grow tired of this park, there are a handful more just a hop, skip, and a jump down the sidewalk! A quick walk over to the park each evening leaves all the little creatures in our house tired out for bed! As a bonus, we have wonderful neighbors who welcomed us with home cooked banana bread and pasta, then had us over for dinner despite the fact that they only moved in two weeks before us and are due with their fourth baby any day now. She is superwoman. Officially! Their other children are two years apart (2, 4 and 6) and make wonderful friends for Lawson and Naomi. What a huge blessing! Mississippi is gorgeous and green with trees and hills everywhere you look! It’s surely going to be a good year here.

Nowhere to go!

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010 by by

I realized today that I am having (or about to have) my first postpartum ovulation – my first thought was “well I don’t need to worry – because I’m certain there is no way I can get pregnant!”, then it dawned on me… I HAD A TUBAL LIGATION – there really IS no way for me to get pregnant now (well, technically!).  I feel strange knowing that I won’t be pregnant again, that that part of my life is over… never again will I get a BFP, or have a first glimpse of my baby, or find out the sex, or complain about pregnancy-related heartburn, or cry when I hear my baby cry for the first time.

I don’t feel sad about it, I don’t regret it – but it does feel weird.  Might sound strange, but I feel a little more relaxed, knowing that I technically shouldn’t be able to get pregnant now.  I have had such bad luck with birth control in the past – that I never really felt safe with ANY of the forms of BC I used.  But this time, with all pathways to the uterus being cut, I feel pretty certain that there will be no more unplanned – or planned, pregnancies for me!

Tandem Nursing… or…. what have I gotten myself into?

Thursday, April 29th, 2010 by by

Let me first say that I love breastfeeding.  And I love that I have been able to nurse my son for 17 months now.  I never thought we would make it this far.  I was happy to see six months, then a year.  Then a few months after he turned one I found out I was expecting.  It wasn’t a shock; we weren’t trying but we weren’t preventing either.  I didn’t even have my first postpartum period until 5 days after my son’s first birthday.  With extra long cycles I had only had two before I took that test.  I feel very fortunate that we were able to get pregnant while I was breastfeeding at all!  I do not take my fertility for granted one bit because I know others who struggle.

After the idea of being pregnant settled into my brain it hit me: my son is still nursing like a fiend.  I knew weaning wasn’t an immediate option, though not out of the realm of possibility.  I had already hit my earliest set goal of one year.  I understood making it to two years is what is recommended and I fully expected to reach it.  When I found out I was pregnant my son was nursing on demand 3-8 times a day and sometimes at night.  He had reached a stage where he was mobile and would walk over to me and lift my shirt.  If I were bra-less (usually this was normal early in the morning before I had a shower) he had free access to “milkies.”

Frankly, this wasn’t my style.  I was happy to nurse (more…)


Hey you pregnant bloggers! Come here!

Monday, October 19th, 2009 by by

Have you checked out JM’s pregnancy calendar and baby names data base?  They are two very cool tools we have on JM. I am trying to get the word out about some of our cool features. If you have a blog I would love it if you would blog about them. Our pregnancy calendar is a daily calendar that tells you what is going on with your pregnancy and baby every day. You can also use the printable version so you can print out your updates.

The baby names data base has member submitted baby names. If you see a baby name that is not in the data base please help us out (more…)

No doubt about it – I’m up the duff!

Friday, October 16th, 2009 by by

Well after 6 days of positive tests, I believe I am definately up the duff!!!!!  When AF was late I finally started believing it, and then after very convincing BFP’s at 4w0d & 4w2d, I don’t think there is much denying it!  Jason seems to be very excited, but a little cautious – as am I.  My history of losses makes the next 8 weeks or so, a very scary prospect for us.  I have experienced losses at 5w4d, 6w1d, 8w0d & 10w4d – so until I reach the 12 week mark & we see our little bean, I don’t think the stress will really stop!

My symptoms are right up there though, which is giving me some confidence – I’ve been vomitting 3-4 times a day, since around 13DPO, I’m tired all day, I’ve been cramping, peeing what feels like every 10 seconds and (more…)

When the Dam Breaks

Monday, March 30th, 2009 by by

When pregnant I tend to carry my kids way out in front.   This phenomenon becomes even more freakishly impressive in the final days of a full term pregnancy.

Lately it has been fun to go out in public and watch people’s reactions.  I, of course, have no concept of how big I look or how pregnant I may appear, but I guess it’s pretty eye-popping.

Especially fun is when people ask, “When are you due?” and I reply, “In 6 days.”

You can see them frantically thinking about where they keep their mops.