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July 31st, 2008, 10:11 AM
Join Date: Sep 2006
Okay, I don't know if the Clomid is hitting me or if this is just normal TTC emotional crap or what but it all started hitting me last night.
I had been feeling fairly optimistic and happy for about a week and now it's gone again.
I was thinking about watching my niece and how much I love her, but I still know it will be different when I have my own. Because, I'll have that bond from carrying them inside of me, knowing they are my baby and loving them so much from the get go.
And that got me thinking about my back up plan. I want to be a mom no matter what and my plan in the back of my mind has always been that if I can't have bio kids, then I would adopt. And that created kind of a safe feeling, like even if I don't get pregnant/have a baby, it will still be okay.
Well now I feel like that's NOT okay. I want with all my heart to get to have that bond while I'm pregnant. I want to experience pregnancy again and have it turn out the "right" way. I want all the things I didn't get to have with Thomas. I want little baby kicks and a baby shower and a big tummy and giving birth and breastfeeding and tiny little newborn feet. I want them so much and all I can think about is "what if I never get that?"
I know logically it's not even close to the end of the road for us. We still have a couple years of trying ahead of us before I'd consider stopping TTC. It's just hard to have faith right now that my dream will ever come true. I feel like I keep getting the short end of the stick over and over (whether that's true or not) and I'm not able to believe right now that it will ever happen for me. And it is breaking my heart.
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