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August 31st, 2008, 07:44 AM
Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
My DH is the same way & so is his ex-wife, hence the issue STILL going on after all these years. I guess I can only say is try another route. I know you want to say "I'll miss you" b/c you want to make sure you tell them all those things before they go in the case that "something might" happen. Again, def tell them that you love them, nothing wrong w/ that, I tell my son that too, but I don't get into it, I let him think he's going & he'll be back before he knows it. If I made it a production, he'd be nervous.
As far as the phone call thing, I am "sure" you have vmail, if you don't, you live in NB, Canada w/ my grandparents (LMBO)...allow the child to leave a vmail, you can tell if it's an urgent call vs. a call out of being needy, KWIM? I dunno... I've BTDT, both ends. I see what does work & what doesn't work.
My DSS is the same, he wants nothing to do w/ coming here at our house & it's well known before we even "try" to get him to come over. But that's the thing, he's a child, he doesn't have a right/say in where he goes, or what he does (unless of course there's something bad or illegal happening there). He has to go & visit his other family, period. Sure, he would love to "control" the situation, & from the sounds of it, that happening. His calls, his begging not to go, making him, it's all screaming "attention" & "manipulation".
A child doesn't have the words to articulate that they aren't happy w/ people or how they didn't "choose" any of these situations. But they sure know how to act out or be needy. KWIM? It's all a matter of taking a step-back & evaluating what's REALLY going on. Is it REALLY urgent to talk to the child all the time when they are gone? Not if it upsets them, and until THEY feel safe inside & THEY also feel that you are comfy in the situation (and it's obvious that you are sad when he's gone too), that's the projection that you get in return. It's a cycle that will repeat over & over until you let down some rules.
My DSS is almost 11, he cries, screams, pitches fits, makes up stories about myself & my children to his mother, it's awful. In the end, out entire house is a mess, we're all crying & I can't wait to get the child out of my house. The mother is upset b/c she's wondering what on earth is that bad that her son can't spend time w/ his dad over the house. Meanwhile, every Mon. & Tues. night, my DH has his DS at his mother's house (my MIL), and all is well, no fighting, no crying, etc. You want to know why that is? It's because the child has his father all to himself, no competition, nothing. At our house, it's different, we're a FAMILY, we do things differently. We have RULES & we make him do chores & when he sees his step-brother & half-brothers & his step-mother, it's a reminder to him how things are never going to be the way they were.
Now I am not saying my situation is exactly like yours, but it's pretty darn close from the examples.
My DS & my ex, we don't have a perfect situation, no one is or does, however... my son loves his bio-dad & step-mother, there are no probs in that area & he has no problem going from our house to their house & back. Do I call them every now & then to say "hi"? Sure I do. But my son isn't begging to come home either. The only time he wants to come home & is crying is "if" he is ill, which is only normal, I am his mother, he wants his mama when he's sick, that's "usually" the case. Other than that, I don't get many calls from him begging to come home & he likes seeing his other family who also loves him.
I don't know what other advice I can give you, just examples on how I've seen things work & not work & how certain behaviors are screaming for certain manipulations in these matters. I hope that something I offered helped & that you can take a step back & re-evaluate what is happening & move forward w/ a different set of eyes. It's hard, I know it is. You hate to see your child sad, but again, life doesn't revolve around the child, the world doesn't revolve around 1 person, we all have to learn that we have to do things we don't want to do in life to get to where we all want to be. He has to learn that until he's 18 he has to be a trooper & spend time w/ his family who also wants to see him. I dunno... I do hope that I've helped.
Again, keep us posted
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