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September 10th, 2008, 08:15 AM
Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
If that makes me a heartless b - then so be it. I never thought I'd end up on this road. But last year, I had to look into my five year olds eyes as she asked in tears "why can't I have a daddy like other kids?"
In 1 1/2 months, I will NEVER have to answer that question again. Because she will have a daddy like other kids.
You aren't heartless, you are realistic. In fact, I know exactly what your child went through last year b/c I too was one of those kids that wanted a family, I wanted a dad in my life, but he didn't want me & made it clear of that since I was born. Unfortunately, men (or stupid jerks AKA sperm donors) often try to put the twist & say "I'll always love you" or "you're mom moved & I couldn't get in touch w/ you..." what ever the excuse, that is exactly what it is, an excuse, it's an excuse to getting out of being a father & responsible parent. As a child, I believe those excuses & blamed my grandparents, mother & family for my father being out of the picture. I now realize that they were dead on in what he was truly about. The only mistake my family made was badmouth my sperm-donor. As a child if you put the other parent down, no matter how true it is that they're horrible, the kids can't understand that & then ultimately blame the person badmouthing b/c they have to blame someone & that's who they blame. So my only word of advice to anyone in this situation (based on my personal experience) is never badmouth the other parent, no matter how bad they are, even if they are in jail etc., let the child come to their own conclusions, & believe me, they will, they will eventually grow up & see their absent dead-beat for who they truly are, and not this great person who they WISHED they would be.
Looking back, I made so many BAD choices in my life b/c I didn't have a mom & dad environment. I was out of control, and it was b/c I wanted attention & someone to love me, no one wanted me as a child & that hurt me. I couldn't understand it. And even though my grandparents did a good job at picking up the pieces, I couldn't understand why I didn't have a "mom" and a "dad" like all the other kids. It was a tough process. I am obviously okay now, but I tell ya, it took me in a direction that I wouldn't have dreamed of. The good news in Becca's case, is she has Kal in her life to BE the role model & he's doing a great job in that.
People are too quick to feel badly for absent parents. The only reason ANY parent should be absent from ANY child's life is due to illness, death, incarceration or military deployment, other than that, there is no reason, justification not to be in their lives. Pick up the phone, send them cards, write them letters (or in today's day & age, text message or email), take a summer road trip & be w/ them. There is no excuse. No job, no other thing in their lives should be THAT important that they are not in the picture. It's a reason to be irresponsible & not pay CS, that's all it is. It stinks b/c the only ones they hurt are the kids & they don't think of that.
Sorry for ranting again, but ITA w/ m2miracles & do not think it's heartless to say that at all. And once again, just speaking from PERSONAL experience in my life. And for the record, not all dad's are dead-beats & there are different "types" of dead-beats too. There are some mothers out there that give up their rights & take off & don't see their kids. I see it all the time. I don't get that even more, as a mother w/ the instincts, it makes no sense to me. There are plenty of men out there that do step up & take full responsibilities w/ their children. I guess we don't hear those stories that much but I wanted to put that spin on it that woman can be just as dumb/heartless & men can be good people too. In Becca's case, she didn't have that type of a guy, again, way to go Kal, he's a REAL MAN!!!!
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