What is your story??
View Single Post
September 10th, 2008, 11:26 AM
I may bend, but not break
Join Date: Mar 2008
My story starts back really in 2005. After some pretty hefty fighting, short breaks ups and plain old being miserable, we made the choice that I would move home and live with my grandparents until the end of the year, and then we'd try living together again. It was working great, except for the 1hour trip each way required for us to visit each other. My now-ex and I were preventing using only condoms because BCP's give me headaches and make me practically useless for most of the month. I had just started a new job, and one evening when he was down to visit (July 4th) the condom fell off at some point. It was CD15 for me, tho I didn't think of this, because if I had, my next decision possibly would have been different. Because I had to work the next morning, and he couldn't stay because he had to work too, I refused to go and pick up the MAP (morning after pill), figuring we'd had accidents before, we'd be fine.
Days went on, and I didn't think much of it. I was set to start my period with in two weeks, and sure enough, on the day I was set to start, I spotted like normal. He'd been worried about pregnancy, so i immediately called him and told him I'd started. The spotting stopped with in an hour. Figuring my body was just taking its time, I let it go. But by Wednesday I was starting to worry because I hadn't started. I was going to spend the weekend with him, so I figured I'd give it until Friday to start worrying. Friday afternoon I went to the grocery store and bought two very odd purchases, Little swimmers and a box of pregnancy tests (lol... first purchase was for my aunt, but the lady gave me a priceless look). That night my dad drove me to see him, and I told him that I still hadn't started. He panicked and wanted to run out and grab a test. When I explained I already had them, and was going to take one in the morning he settled down a bit.
I got up that morning, drove him to work and then drove out to the cemetary where his father is burried. I sat leaning against the columburrial and just cried. We weren't ready for a baby, we were barely floating on the relationship level. I begged his father to tell me what was going to happen, and the sky that had been bright and full of sun lit up with lightening and I got soaked. I didn't take this as a good sign. I went home and took the test. It took less than one minute for the bright pink 2nd line to show up, and I just shook. I knew this meant the end of our relationship.
And I was right. He begged me to have an abortion, I refused, then agreed, then refused. I saw my doctor, started my prenatals, and then the day he and I broke up (August 3rd) I started bleeding. At first it was brown, then it was pink, then it was red. We called the ER (I'd had my pregnancy confirmed three days before at my Dr), they told me it sounded like a miscarriage, to watch it closely and come in if it got worse. It stopped that night. I saw my doctor (who is also an OB) who ordered more blood work. the numbers had barely tripled in four days.. not good. She ordered an ultrasound, and my mom went with me. The tech, who was very rude to me, pointed out two very small babies.. omg... TWINS! However they were only measuring three weeks, and I was six. (LMP June 20) I spent the next week having blood drawn every other day. My body was producing enough HCG for a singleton pregnancy, not twins. After three draws, they weren't doubling anymore. My doctor wanted to check if there were heartbeats and sent me back for another ultrasound. It was now a week since the first. Baby a (matthew) was measuring 4w2d. Baby b (mark) was measuring 5w2d. I was now over seven weeks pregnant. My blood work was all over the maps, including the fact my cortisol levels were over the moon.
After my final blood draw, where my levels had not increased or decreased in two draws, my doctor told me that I was looking at a miscarriage. I could wait it out, where my body could keep trying to develop the babies, increasing the stress on my body and causing me to produce more cortisol, or I could opt for termination. I requested my blood work, and did some research. The cortisol levels in my body could cause a miscarriage, weight gain, and even tissue damage to me. My thyroid levels had dropped so far down they were worried if it was even working (my levels with out medication are just below the expected levels, so not that bad). Weighing the pros and cons, I agreed to termination. But I warned everyone, if my final test results came back with promising results, I would not go through with it.
On August 24th at 9w2d I had my final blood draw and u/s. Baby a had no heart beat and was measuring 4w4d. Baby b was measuring 5w6d with a heart rate that steadily declined during the us from 60 to 30 and stayed low for over 10 minutes. Over two weeks had passed since the last u/s and things should have looked much different. I chose to go through with the procedure.
Fast forward to February 2008. My new doctor in Halifax had been able to finally secure the testing my other doctor had requested. Because we'd opted to avoid the D&C, I'd had to go to the hospitals abortion clinic for the Suction option. This means all my medical records pertaining to the procedure are sealed and private. But after some arguing with the hospital, we got the genetic results. I HAD ANSWERS. My babies were both diagnosed with Trisomy 8 complete. They had 0 chance of survival, and it was confirmed I'd made the right decision. My body could have carried on, fighting with itself and the babies, until Marks heart had survived. Babies with Trisomy 8 complete are always miscarried or result in a post 16 week stillbirth.
In April of 2008, after two months of positive tests right before AF was supposed to show, I passed a large painful clot during AF. I could see what it was just from looking at it, but I rushed to my dr who confirmed in my hand I held an 8 week embryo and "placenta". Because AF had started the month before, I had figured I'd had a chemical pregnancy and put in my next month of Nuva Ring. If I hadn't put in the ring, there was a better chance I would not have miscarried the 2nd month. After testing I found out I'd lost a little girl who'd measured a perfect 8 weeks, however the other tissue was measuring insufficient. The nuva ring had done its job in making my periods shorter and lighter... and had cost me another baby, a daughter this time.. I called her Mattie.
The same afternoon I'd lost Mattie, I got a phone call from my ex (father of the twins) he needed my help, his GF was losing a baby, a baby they were going to keep. She wouldn't go to the hospital. I got him to come get me, and I went to talk to her. She was literally hemmoraging and I did convince her to go to the hospital. She went by ambulace with her mother, I drove my ex's car with her father and him to the hospital. She insisted on laboring naturally (she thought she was 19 weeks) and after five hours she gave birth to a little girl who was still born. The doctor approached me, and asked if I would give permission to have my records pulled to compare fetal test results to. So I got even more news. My boys didn't die of a fluke, they died of a genetic trait passed down from their father. My ex, who'd had some weird unexplained health problems as a kid, had Partial Trisomy 8, which can go undetected in .09% of people with it. However, it can be passed as complete Tris 8 to offspring.
On April 8th 2008 I held two angels in my hands. Mattie Anne and Madison Ashley (she insisted on calling her after me). My ex also got his first look at the information on his sons, information he'd avoided seeing. Before my loss I'd assumed they were a boy and a girl, so I'd named them Matthew and Madison, but had changed it to Matthew and Mark in February. I found it very fitting that after they'd signed the certificate for their daughter, he realized it was the same name I'd chosen.
I just had my third angelversary of my boys... and I'm doing better than I have in a long time. I know it will hurt when Mattie's angelversry and EDD are here.. but I'll survive, because I have three of the best guardian angels I could ever ask for looking out for me! And to top it off, Mattie has a half sister (her father and someone I know had a still born daughter together) and Matthew and Mark have a half sister! So they're not alone! yay!
So that's my story.
~TTC #1 together 1 year and counting ~
Battling Estrogen Dominance, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and Recurrent Miscarriage one day at a time
Awesome siggy made by Jaidynsmum
Matthew and Mark 08/24/2005 9w1d, Mattie Anne 04/07/2008 8w Mel and Dee 01/18/2010 (8 weeks) and 5 chemical pregnancies
"Pea" 09/06/2013@ 3w3d
View Public Profile
Find all posts by plan4fate