Does anyone wish....
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September 18th, 2008, 04:33 PM
Join Date: Nov 2005
Yes I do. I actually kind of grieve over this - its a strong word, but i do. I feel really bad for not being able to give my son (my first) the beautiful birth i had with my second. I feel kind of guilty actually. It sounds whacky, and I'm sure most wont "get" it - but there really is something magical & special that you just cant recreate in a hospital room, in a building you don't live in. Having my family there, it being so special, spiritual, a family event, nobody - NOBODY - was a stranger, someone who wasnt there simply to celebrate MY baby's birth. My MW was so close to me by then, it was like having anothe rfamily member there. It was so awesome.
I look back, and all I remember emotion-wise frmo my sons birth, was worry, fear, exhaustion, pressure, time constraints, rushing, and when ti was over thinkign "Thank god". Then more worry, fear, exhaustion, pain, pressure, time constraints, deadlines, tests, etc. When all i wanted was to hold him and memorize every feature, he "had" to be warmed by a lamp, inspected by a guy who was only there b/c it was his job, id never met him before, etc. Some nurse almost whisked him away to the nurseyr, and i had to ASK for him back. My own baby! I just worked hard for this kid, grew him for 9 months, then pushed him out of my womb, and i have to ask a stranger ive never met for MY baby back?! And then DR has to "approve" it first?! Youre kidding me?!
I didnt have a bad experience dont get me wrong. But it was most definitely NOT the experience I first had.
And of course, I'm sure theres a reason for it all - I likely wouldnt have appreciated those little things, like not having to "ask" for my baby back, like not having to "ask" whats going on - i called the shots. I led the way. My instinct held greater weight than all the other stuff. If *I* said there was a problem, by god there was a problem, and nobody had to "double check it" with a fancy medical tool. They had medical tools for emergencies, but we were there for a baby to be born, not an emergency
I held my baby when i wanted, as long as i wanted, and *I* took care of my baby after I gave birth to her.
Only hands that loved her touched her after her birth, she was wrapped in blankets that we owned, picked out, had there special just for her. Nobody needed permission for anything.
Ok, I could go on forever lol. But - really - i'm sure that as much as i really feel like i jipped my son out of the biggest day of his life, his birth was still special - and without it i might have taken for granted all the little things
I regret havingmy first three in the hospital. I regret letting things happen to me that I really did not want. Why oh Why did I let a stranger calm me as I pushed my daughter out totally sidelining my DH. Why did I let the OB do all those degradng cervical checks. Why did i consent to the IV after I first said no.
I wish I would have stood up for myslf better. I wish I did not let myself be coherrced, belittled, and bullied.
My homebirth healed me, but I have regrets about the first three births.[/b]
I know what you both mean
I hope I get a HBAC this time. They tried to control everything last time and they did a good job @ it
Wife to Jesse since 2/14/2004. Mommy to
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