DD's BIO FATHER *UPDATED AT BOTTOM!*
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October 7th, 2008, 08:18 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
I think you need to decide what you want the final outcome to be. Are you looking for him to have a relationship with your DD? Are you wanting him to step up to the plate and be a real dad to her? OR are you secretly hoping to erase him from your life as well as your DD's? He may not be the best father in the world but he is her father and someday she is going to want to meet him and get to know him (speaking from experience) and when she does, she'll be seeing him from the point of view of an adult...not a child. Trust me. Some day no matter how horrible he was to her she will want to meet him again if for no other reason than to confront him. When she does, he is going to be sweet and charming and she'll blame you for keeping him from her all those years. You've got to be willing to deal with that and to accept that it may temporarily damage your relationship with her. So, if that is indeed what you want to do, never say anything bad to her about him or even when she's nearby and can overhear you. If she does ask about him, keep your personal feelings out of it and tell her objectively about him. (What he does for a living. Where he lives. What he looks like) When she does want to meet him, be supportive and tell her that you will help her find him. Let her come to her own conclusions about him no matter how much it hurts! My mom sat by and allowed me to look my father up and meet him and try to develop a relationship with him even though she KNEW it would only hurt me. It did but I respect her more for having let me figure it out instead of trying to talk me out of meeting him. He's a liar and a cheat and a BSer like you wouldn't believe! I know now that he is completely unworthy of any kind of relationship with me or my kids but I had to figure that out myself. I know that he is a worthless human being and that I am glad to have had him removed from my life permanently but if she had kept me from finding that out myself, I would always have wondered why she didn't want me to see him...was she hiding something? Instead, I was allowed to find out for myself and draw my own conclusions instead of trying to disprove what I'd been told all those years. The same with my ex and my kids. They knew him, of course but I never badmouthed him like he did to me. As a result, they have no respect for him nor do they desire to have a relationship with hm. They talk to him when they need to and will avoid his calls whenever possible. On the other hand, they call me all the time and anytime something happens in their lives (I have two grown kids and one 17 yr old living with me) I am the first one they call and their dad usually hears about it through the grapevine. Although nothing would give me greater pleasure than to have him simply drop off the face of the planet, my kids don't know that. As far as they're concerned, we just grew apart and could not get along.
It sounds like your ex's parents are good people and have no clue what is going on. Talk to them and see if you can't arrange for them to see your daughter--with or without your ex. Maybe they can spend the night at a hotel in your town every so often and keep her with them? Maybe you can drive halfway to their place and they can meet you? Tell them you'd like to arrange these things with them instead of through your ex and explain the situation between the two of you. Since they DO want a relationship with her, I would not seek severing his parental rights. In essense, all you'd be doing would be to sever his responsibilities to her and he'd wind up seeing her when he wanted to anyway without having to pay a dime in support. It would also confuse your daughter.
As far as this weekend goes...hey. YOU are her mother! If YOU decide she's not going up there with him they'll either have to accept that or make other arrangements. I'm with you. I would not want my small child driving in a car for four hours up and four hours back with someone she wasn't comfortable with and someone I didn't like or trust! That's just responsible parenting! She doesn't know him and he isn't responsible. Who knows how distracted or upset he may get over something like the 47th time she has to go potty or is missing mommy or wants to go home or is just tiired and cranky! If his parents want to see her, they'll make arrangements. Otherwise, sorry!
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